In Your Face

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    • 130415 When the police were around Gretchen would often lose her head.
    130412 "I'd shake your hand but I just did a cavity search on an obese panhandler."
    130405 The wedding was called off. The diabetes was in full swing.
    130403 Of course she got away. Have YOU ever tried running with a stocking cap on? It ain't easy.
    130402 "You wanna see under the hood," she asked. Pfffft.
    130331 Hey. Did I mention I'm into Scientology?
    130312 You wanted a sandwich, I got you a knuckle sandwich. You still hungry?
    130311 Meg's head was gone, Reggie's was on backwards... What is this world coming to?
    130309 It was a birthday surprise he'd never forget. He was expecting Judy and the girls with cake. Instead he was tortured.
    130306 Pinto beans and milk. Juan knew the date would be ruined when she walked through his fart zone.
    130305 Peter proved himself right; the Craigslist ad really was too good to be true.
    130304 It's like taking tobacco from a baby.
    130303 "Gang Fight" by Calvin Klein
    130301 "Well, Timmy, then I invested in Groupon, and..."
    130301 "Well, Timmy, for many years I was a priest in the Catholic church, then..."
    130226 "Wouldn't ya know it? I accidentally brought my shovel bag."
    130220 Jack brought the Skrillex, Marianne brought the blunts.
    130124 Republican Steam-Room Stories. Episode 1: The New Guy
    130124 "Get over here and give us a hug!"
    130124 "Welcome. Yes we do pull here, but not fingers."
    130123 Upper Class Bitches: a favorite at the "Human Zoo"
    130112 Johnson wouldn't negotiate. That is, he wouldn't negotiate until Smith began his Jedi Yodeling.
    130111 Brokeback SpaceShip
    130109 "I don't see what the big deal is," Kim would later exclaim, "the car has been there for years. I though it was hungry."
    130103 Naval volunteers at the Budweiser bikini contest.
    130101 I managed databases for a while, too, but have been much happier in the design and ui department.
    130101 Mitch gets a visit from New Year's Past.
    121227 Poor Tyler... suffering from a serious case of Post-Christmas Reactive Video Game Binge Disorder: Caffeinated.
    121219 Mom, Cortez and I have a few question about dad.
    121218 Harvey shows Erik how the crotch massager works.
    121218 Erik slowly pulled his iPhone out of his pocket, trying to decide which Instagram filter to use.
    121217 Hey! Have you seen my slicker?
    121217 "This is the dumbest costume party ever."
    121213 Sir, I'm afraid the Soup of the Day will require you to take your special pill.
    121126 Hey boss, I don't think theys under cover cops.
    121123 1950's Superheros were mostly lame; and "BugorMan" was no exception.
    121007 After countless years of searching, authorities find Waldo.
    120613 During Mr Rogers "LSD" Phase, the show became distractingly strange.
    120521 Can you make it all impressionistic and all?
    120521 I think you should name your painting business "Easel Does It"
    120510 In an awkward moment, Margo caught Raymond watching her lick while the family sheep was aggressively sniffing his crotch
    120223 Pinky would soon regret, for the umpteenth time, being duped by a another crazy pyramid scheme.
    120215 Elephants are smart animals. They can even teach clowns to dance.
    120210 What? You're the one who thought the mushrooms looked yummi to eat!
    120204 All I know is I want to get this bastard. What kind of idiot uses papyrus for a ransom note. I hate that font.
    120111 Moooore Ambien Sooooup...
    120111 We just completed 10 hours of requirements gathering. Feed us!
    120110 Don't worry guys. Trickle-Down Economics will benefit us someday.
    120110 Whoah! Tommy, don't ever pull Hank's finger again.
    111217 Alright missy! Your purse strap is WAY too long. Now Reggie's all tangled up in it.
    111217 Alright, leave him alone everybody. We've all been tangled up in our phone cords before, too.
    111201 In my country taxi driver magnet. Get all the chic.
    111201 Where my cab take you? Go to disco boogie for take nice ass grab?
    111130 Maybe the revenue projections will be more compelling on a bigger piece of paper. What do you think?
    111129 Welcome to the team, Jimmy. Just need you to sign this insurance waiver.
    111128 Sweety, don't give me that look. I told you 3 times to take the trash out.
    111127 This is NOT what I meant by a Blues Bar.
    111122 That's the last time I go to THAT saloon.
    111031 Soon as dad leaves I got something I wanna show ya.
    111024 Thanks Doctor. That Apricot Jam feels great on my hemorrhoids.
    111022 Oh gosh, these Newt Gingrich news releases are hysterical!
    111021 If this doesn't work, let's just try renegotiating with them.
    111019 One time I landed on the Hudson River on a dare.
    111010 Aw gawd! I never got to try Bubble Tea!
    111009 Pull my finger, Lisa! Dammit!
    111008 Just tell them it's Conan O'Brien and I'm very pissed.
    111007 The news is not good. I'm afraid it's Bi-Lateral Leg Weakness.
    111006 Oh geeze, here comes that Canadian kid again.
    111003 Actually, it's a horse poop constrictor. Slows the flow.
    111003 No, you keep it. You've earned it.
    111002 Stop playing with your balls, Rusty!
    110928 Wow, Rusty, that must have been one HUGE fly!
    110926 If those things don't kill you, I will.
    110925 These new helium tampons are great!
    110923 I'm sure my insurance will cover this, my deducti... Oh yeah, I own all the insurance companies. We're in luck!
    110922 No, we're not interested. And take this number off your list.
    110921 I should have switched to tea.