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  • 150131 Before Prohibition, the American Pubcrawling Team always took home the gold medals. Later, a few drank for Australia.
    150130 Well, the acceleration's lousy but look at this neat wood paneling!
    150129 "No, Mr. O'Brien. Peter Pan always has wires and a harness. You need them to fly onto your set."
    150128 Well, it was a great arrangement for 1st tenors with parents who got the blazers wholesale.
    150108 You're right, honey. These helmets make a big difference when we fall out of the plane.
    150107 The family suffered from Cheap Sunday Comics Disease. They all had the rash but Sis lost her eyes and teeth.
    150106 So rectal feeding is no big deal? Today's menu starts with oysters on the half shell, followed by rack of lamb.
    150105 It's the No-Eyed Bandit!
    150104 Fill out this release form and you'll be the model for the next Chia Head.
    150103 How To Spot Vampires In the Daytime Part 1.
    150102 Doc you've got to help me! There's some kind of bird pecking its way through my helmet!
    150101 Oh it's all from the Home Shopping Network. Buy 50 lbs and you get new ancestors.
    141231 ...but please tell the media that economics is an exact science and our devices use the finest 1970s mood rings.
    141231 PEOPLE's secret lab predicts which celebrity body part will be overexposed next.
    141230 This Van Dyke kid gets on my nerves. Trips over things for a laugh.
    141229 Aw jeez, Justin Bieber's being an a-hole again.
    141228 He's wearing the funny hat so he has to sleep in the hammock.
    141227 The psychic told the mob that ATM robberies were the crime wave of the future.
    141226 One of the 1st items returned after Xmas was the giant inflatable Walter Cronkite.
    141225 It's the magic of nouvelle cuisine: olives are plated, then flown across town for the drizzle of sauce.
    141224 Just wait till eBay hears I'm auctioning the Sammy Davis eyeball!
    141223 His Majesty cheaped out when he ordered a bidet.
    141223 ...and right here is where we put the lake.
    141222 Sick of being doodled in, torn up, and forced into smelly lockers, the textbooks went on strike.
    141221 Don't go! The doctor says he's on the verge of a cure for brown lumpy things on the left side!
    141220 Don't be silly, it's a state-of-the-art music system.
    141219 No! I will resign before I help the Kardashians give mascara to the homeless!
    141218 If you want me to elope you'll bring a ladder and a car! <sigh> Men these days!
    141217 The budget for the school show was cut. This is how the kids flew off in the clouds with ET.
    141216 Buns the Clown and Pickles the Dog were fired when Buns revealed they got paid in Chikkin Chunkz.
    141215 Time for revenge on that plastic surgeon doc! He had his eyes crossed the whole time he done our nose jobs.
    141214 I told my wife I'd be damned if I'd face another hard-boiled egg.
    141213 The new Saab Reindeer comes with anti-lock hooves.
    141212 Tom Sawyer IV suggestively upsells the plan to outsource the fence-painting but Huck and Becky stay negative.
    141211 I got the mumps from Pablo Picasso.
    141210 Hey Dad! Mom has a friend and he's got hair just like mine! That's neat, huh, Dad?
    141210 My dumb kid and his misplaced cowlick. That Jay North's gonna make millions. Think I'll shave my kid bald.
    141209 Yes I keep the desk sign like that since I can't always remember if "Jones" has an S or a Z.
    141208 So don't give me that crap about how your mom drives a Volkswagon.
    141207 The press is here about the cure for baldness. No, you tell him, I'll tell him about the miracle diet.
    141206 Milk isn't supposed to be crunchy. Gee I wish we were back on Earth.
    141205 Who ordered the burnt tortilla?
    141204 Michael Gross,sick of being remembered as Michael J Fox's TV dad, loses his mind.
    141204 Buster was so embarrassed by the campaign speeches for the Bull Moose party. And the white socks with black shoes.
    141203 Patch Adams performing the first known chicken-dectomy.
    141202 The boss says we gotta cut back on inter-office singing telegrams.
    141201 The psychiatrist had that dream about the diving board again.
    141130 Put him in my room with the rest of my things.
    141129 Thanks but I'm gonna read for awhile. I don't really need you to tuck me in.
    141128 That joke about the NRA and Ferguson--probably too soon for that.
    141127 The lawn party ended when it rained cigars.
    141126 Halfway through the cocktail hour Lady Agnes pulled the house down.
    141125 Ukrainian curling.
    141124 I'm Benson and this is my partner, Hedges.
    141124 Honey, come here, you've got to see what they've done with this place. It's just what I want for our sun room.
    141123 Sure do enjoy readin the mail fore I sort it.
    141122 And that's when I realized I was a black female talk show host trapped in a white man's body. You get a car! All of you!
    141122 And that's when I realized I was a bowling team trapped in a squash player's body.
    141122 And that's when I realized I was a woman trapped in a man's body.
    141122 Yes these two young men were in my suite. They're my nephews. We're a close family.
    141121 I'm a shoo-in for the Most Boring Costume of the Year!
    141120 Ronald Reagan is blasted off Planet Zoot-Suit in the B movie "You Wore THAT in Outer Space?"
    141119 Look at this guy, trying to pass the drivers' test with the answers written on his hand.
    141119 I'm also on the dental hygiene force. I detected gingivitis while I wrote that speeding ticket--Bud, my mirror,STAT!
    141118 Her Ladyship does not wish to hear about the Kardashians, Sir.
    141117 Nein! You may not haff to make Amerikaner tube top!
    141116 We got the idea from Kim Kardashian.
    141116 Hell, we just get waxed and come here to pose, we're not real sailors.
    141115 To soothe patients at the asylum, the men in white coats gave out free ice cream.
    141114 I've got a human clothing fetish too! We gotta talk!
    141113 Yeah, there's the hair thing, but does this guy know the best place for a Reuben sandwich or what.
    141113 The professor lost his license trying to demonstrate his "speed of light" theory.
    141112 Jah, Papa, Fraulein Craig opens der shop im Schmaltzenburg today!
    141111 You're gonna be a balloon in the Thanksgiving Day Parade, you sonofagun!
    141110 I'm here about the hair emergency.
    141109 I forget, which is appendicitis and which is labor pains?
    141108 What's the deal? They were pretty rough on you last weekend here.
    141107 Howdy neighbors! Just moved in. How 'bout a lil wine an' CHEESE tonight, we kin chat.
    141106 To save water, the town sprayed citizens with deodorant every evening.
    141106 Got too good for the likes of us since he knocked down Cary Grant.
    141105 Every night around this time Dorothy got weird about some flying monkeys.
    141104 The flat-screen TV was a big distraction. HD made everyone look funny.
    141103 Really awkward at class reunions when they don't do name tags.
    141102 Yeah, I never saw a robin that big, either. Did you bring shampoo?
    141101 These pants make my thighs look big.I know it.
    141031 He said TWO flies in the soup. Well, there goes her tip.
    141030 This is your brain after too many PSAs with fried eggs in them.
    141029 Yes! He's finally going to say it! The magic words: "I think we're lost!"
    141028 And Lo, the Vision Spaketh! "Behold, Renee of Zellwegger, for I am Thine Future Face!"
    141027 Wizzy's parties were so lousy he could only get guests by altering the magnetic poles.
    141025 Extremely rare, landing a real estate salesman of this size.
    141024 Now that we're the Flaming Scouts, there's a badge for home decorating.
    141023 Geez, the chaperone takes one trip to the punch bowl and look what happens.
    141020 Some of those 3-D movies were really good even if the special effects didn't make sense.
    141020 Early 007 ejector seats often overshot Bermuda and landed in New Jersey.
    141019 My treasured concubine sells the ruby in her belly button and buys her freedom.
    141018 I feel I look my best with a manly coating of Vaseline.
    141017 Not only are gay couples adopting, wait'll you see this year's Oscars!
    141016 But Master, why must we wear these awful toupees?
    141015 Gramps said the snowshoes and bathrobe made spying fun.
    141014 So that was the noise I've been hearing all week! An express train comes through this office suite.
    141014 --but the pollen is a de-sensitizing tool for the patients!
    141013 The dashboard figure was a joke gift. Until it demanded a gun and conservative talk radio.
    141012 Affordable housing in a good neighborhood? Just look. It even has a view of the moons of Jupiter.
    141011 Doncha just hate coming home and your neighbor's having a hot date on your couch again?
    141010 High-definition TV really does show everything.
    141009 You know, for a crossing guard you come on kinda strong.
    141008 Giggletrigger's providing free laughing gas for the total giggle experience.
    141007 She hoped the batteries in her date were charged.
    141006 They tell me the view is spectacular. Alas I can only smell it.
    141005 Bing searches for the sight gag: no hole in the square life saver, har!
    141005 Egad! We've struck cough drops!
    141004 In honor of the Scotsman, the snake charmer called the Loch Ness Monster out of her basket.
    141003 Van Johnson finds the bastard who cheapened the Oscars' coating. Movie stars went green--not with envy!
    141003 House-Cleaning Man knocks out the Moldy Menace, hurray!!
    141002 new for Xmas: CUTE LIL IMMIGRANTS! Dress 'em up! Hide 'em from the authorities! Make 'em work for nothing!
    141001 Being scared sucks--noo! Don't throw up--noo! The only thing we have to fear is fear itself--aHA! FDR
    140930 Things The Muppets Can Teach You.
    140929 Tour the Sahara! The mirages will blow your mind!
    140928 "The Road to the Airport" has the stars on the run after the USO show with the routine about the admiral's girlfriend.
    140928 Glenn Quagmire mutters his filthy plans for his co-stars.
    140926 Dr. Schlubhoffer says this dream represents oral fixation, superego implosion and a fear of balloons.
    140924 I'm QUESTIONING. And it washes off.
    140924 Next week he would get the rest of the tattoo: THIS END UP.
    140923 Just the right mix of Nehi Grape to alcohol, and Manischewitz has kosher wine ready for Rosh Hashonah.
    140922 And I suppose you want to know how much wood a woodchuck chucks. (siiiigh)
    140921 Morticia used to tell her bad dates she had to go to the little girls' crypt.
    140920 While waiting for his mail-order mirror, Bill hired Phil to be his reflection.
    140919 Buddy was a pioneer in the field of child psychiatry.
    140919 It was nothing like what the other kids meant by "playing doctor".
    140917 You're gonna be the town flasher? Hey, when do you get the dirty raincoat?
    140917 Please, tell us there's something to do around here besides sit around in old clothes!
    140916 So how does Gladys keep that pin-up figure after 120 years? It's that "Chock Full O' Hormones" baking!
    140915 Fee fi fo fum, gorging on Englishmen made this giant sick to his tum, and will you look at that tooth decay.
    140914 "RIQUE" cologne--available by the jug! For the guy who wants to reek!
    140913 She was really impressed with a hat like that. The crossed eyes and the wax lips--not so much.
    140912 At "Let Us Haggle For a Deal", Jeff picked Tent #3.
    140911 Flying with more than 3 Munchkins in the bag made her wobble and then fall off.
    140909 A few thousand miles back, someone said "I think we're lost".
    140908 The increasingly senile Wizard of Oz continued to fly, but his last spacecraft crash-landed on the Yellow Brick Road.
    140906 They taste terrible, but when we put them on the windowsill the TV reception came in great all of a sudden!
    140904 I wonder if anyone's ever flown out of a panel on a really big talk balloon....
    140903 Once Gertie passed her CPR training there was no stopping her.
    140902 How long do we have to be quarantined for this terrible skin condition?
    140901 Stop, Thief! Drop the boy's hat! And someone get me a decent suit!
    140831 Then they fought about who got to take a bath first.
    140830 Not all of the Hogwarts staff made it into the famous books.
    140829 Deleted scene from "Whose Line...?" Drew Carey's improv with a barrel of gunpowder.
    140828 Bo said he just came along to the eye exam for moral support. That way no one suspected a thing.
    140827 It was a bad day on the set of the pantyhose shoot.
    140825 --and I put Wite-Out on that picture of Mr. Harris like you said to, Boss.
    140824 Yes, a pigeon flew by, but it's the 16th century, my love, and we don't wash much.
    140822 At the Paris shows, it's all about the Bastille Look. Rags and chains make quite the statement for the major labels.
    140821 Herb discovered, after his drive-thru snack, that his car fit like a glove.
    140820 Mr. Shepherd hoped Dr. Woof could help him with his obsessive need to mark territory.
    140820 Dr. Woof had even taught his building to take its leaks outside.
    140819 OK, OK, there's an ATM. How much for one of those air-conditioned turbans?
    140818 George bit down on his pipe stem as the hand moved lower. He had finally opened up about his postal carrier fetish.
    140817 Wait, don't tell me--you're wearing your handle on the other side! Suits you.
    140816 Yes, I can build you an extra brain cell. Just don't think over 35 mph.
    140815 Your mother's always looking for proof I'm a bad housekeeper, so I left it where she could find it without bending over.
    140815 "Antiques Roadshow" was here. I just gave them all those suits you insist are perfectly good.
    140814 Instructions over 2-way wrist radio: "Dump the midget in the tar pit, but keep the dog, he knows semaphore."
    140813 On location, Lindsay Lohan tried to befriend the natives by sharing nose candy.
    140812 The seat's murder, but look at the plusses: no screaming kiddies and plenty of foot room!
    140811 Gosh, you're a cheap date. I bring you a bunch of weeds and you're too full for pizza.
    140810 --and Joe DiMaggio had never suspected that Marilyn Manson and Ben Franklin even knew each other!
    140809 I just came from the kitchen. They need your helmet for the Jell-o mold.
    140808 <sob> I --I just found out about Liberace-<sniff>-he's got a crush on Elvis!!!
    140807 A; 'Wheel of Fortune' is much older than we thought! B: I'd like to buy a 'glurph'...
    140806 Philip, you make a lovely girl, but you've still received your draft notice.
    140805 Am so making dinner, there's a salmon steak inside this golf shirt.
    140804 It's a kettlebell workout and it's very hip.
    140801 My family does so got better eatin' manners than Honey Boo Boo's!
    140731 Well, there was no way to put helium in the bucket, so the balloon ride was off.
    140730 Too poor for a torch, athletes of Spazvania carry the Olympic Mop through the streets of their capitol.
    140729 She was nearsighted. She thought it was that Dorothy kid.
    140727 Please, gentlemen! My Russian friend will be happy to do a Cossack dance for you.
    140726 Yes, I've been the stunt hair double for both Mr. Donahue and Mr. Leno. If the wind blows, I can take it.
    140725 When they were first married, Betty Ford used to help Jerry with chewing-gum-while-walking practice.
    140724 Just be real careful with the ticking honey pot till you get to the Hoover Building.
    140723 He didn't have a mind, and it was starting to matter.
    140722 You said you'd help me practice for barber school. Now, do it or I'll tell that sideshow where to find you.
    140721 Arlo? My kids would just love it if you'd come over and sing "Alice's Restaurant", man!
    140721 You've just been selected for a makeover! The bad news is, you have to sit next to Kathie Lee Gifford.
    140720 "American Idol" has a new panel of judges this season.
    140717 --so when the heat and the music hatch the unicorn egg, the baby will see me first and think I'm the mother unicorn.
    140717 --and if I don't re-materialize by this time tomorrow, call JK Rowling.
    140716 Horace, if you don't go to Bed Warehouse I'm turning you into a frog!
    140715 Brad was having such an awful time, he started hitchhiking while he was still sitting at the counter.
    140714 Girls, for those of you without a gay best friend, Tinkerbelle makes house calls.
    140713 One of Peter, Paul and Mary's earliest publicity photos for their flop, "If I Had a Hammer, I'd Hit You With It."
    140712 Tragically, the Kardashian-Jenner family was caught in a tornado and the storm blew their makeup off.
    140712 A rare picture of The Scarecrow at home. Two days later he would be assigned to a field bordering The Yellow Brick Road.
    140711 Next time I'll let you draw the crop circle.
    140710 OK, an oldie but a goodie: my genitals!!! Go and post this in the men's room.
    140710 Here's a good one--"pull- my-finger"--!!! Huh? Didn't I tell ya? Gonna get a million votes.
    140709 I told you, TWO humps, with a luggage rack and a/c. I can't find anything here.
    140708 She knows this is my poker night on Io.
    140707 Holy %^&*! Pinnochio, is there anything else you don't got anymore?
    140706 The thing is, we really don't see ourselves marketing cosmetics to the burqa demographic as such.
    140705 Nick Cage says his toupee can lick any other toupee in the joint.
    140704 Thought you could get away with those cheap slip-covers, eh? Well, there's a special hell for your kind...
    140703 Yes, you would have made a lovely Gibson Girl. But you need a corset and a shave, Marvin.
    140703 We're going to find those bastards who ran off with your forearms and half your jacket.
    140702 I'm still not over it. He left me for a flying squirrel.
    140701 Never saw a bee-size mouse before. Guess it's mighty hard to get a nice outfit.
    140701 You know, with the hive population low as it is, we could really use a cross-dressing mouse to help out.
    140630 It's our first order! What do you think? I like the name "Uggs".
    140629 Coming soon: the Pentagon's version of "So You Think You Can Dance".
    140628 After I kill you and hide your body here, all your kohl eye pencils will be mine! MINE!!! BWA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!
    140627 Uhhh, Dave? That's Astroturf.
    140626 The real Fred Astaire sang about "Blue Skies", not "Blue Cheese".
    140625 This table is quarantined,we caught some kind of weird nose rash.
    140624 "Wear a hat that looks like a condom" and "shoe polish makes great hair color!" My fashion tips for the week.
    140623 Due to technical difficulties, this site will be hooked to a backup generator, please excuse the BbFzzZTT)>@!!
    140618 I'm a friend of the animals! I'm going to free ALL the Easter bunnies!
    140617 This "Guy". You say he fly in a bird machine? Our weapons they are useless--AAHHH. Tell me of this giggle the trigger.
    140616 Jill's lovesick stalker had to prove he did so take baths.
    140616 It's that Mr. Poseidon again.
    140615 Yes, I'm really Batman. I just put on a few pounds and can't wear the regular Bat-suit.
    140614 Yes. That's exactly how drunks walk home after last call.
    140614 Excellent, Max! A few more maps like that and we'll never have to hear "Why don't you ask for directions?" ever again!
    140613 It's a lot like that terrible feeling you get when you realize Kris Jenner is right behind you.
    140613 Moments before his death, he realized who'd been messing with GiggleTrigger.
    140612 They're asking for extra tune-ups and more recharging time. Just hear them out.
    140611 Yes, even during an alien attack, your hair can still look super-fantastic with ZLoNK shampoo!
    140609 Either it's a refillable cartridge for the printer or it makes soft drinks at home. I forget.
    140608 My son's friends are always coming over since we got the wide-screen TV.
    140607 You want something from the diet menu? Go ahead, I got the no-calorie order pad right here.
    140606 He thought he'd just gotten "Firefighter Barbie" for his birthday.
    140605 Phil, I'm coming out of the closet. It's smelly and dark in here and I'm tired of wearing your suits.
    140604 Roger: skulls don't lay eggs. And I'm not calling "Maury" cause I'm 100% sure you're not the father.
    140604 Right, now that gay marriage is legal you make everyone "horny". Don't quit your day job, dude.
    140603 He just nodded. So what if he was lost, and 3,000 light years from the space station? He was still a man.
    140602 Desperate for publicity, Kim and Kanye also got married at Disneyland, Macchu Pichu, and on 3 of the 7 moons of xZo^t>.
    140602 Have you ever considered what a deck will do to the value of your home?
    140601 Until he was a full member of the gang, Jake had to have Big Tony do all the shooting while Mario told him what to say.
    140531 JFK tells Alfalfa that he appreciates the support but it isn't necessary for a Vice-Presidential candidate to sing.
    140530 Santa experimented as a young man, but "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Duck" was a bad idea from the start.
    140529 Hi kiddies! Today we're going to talk about CORN SYRUP! Make sure to tell Mommy to bring home lots of yummy CORN SYRUP!
    140528 Hi, Mrs. Jones. I'm from the Acme Fence Co and we'd like to apologize for our shoddy workmanship.
    140527 Can't you read? The sign says "_O SMOKING"!
    140526 Wonder Woman flew by in her invisible plane. "Beats up all them Nazis an she's still so darn purty."
    140525 The A & F catalog has a new look this season! For thought-control cap, see back page.
    140525 This was a different sort of smoking cessation course: light up and Lou Ferrigno wrestles your pack away from you.
    140524 I told the witch doctor I was in love with you. He laughed and sent me to the next hut for some tests.
    140523 Dide! You called on me just cause you couldn't rewind the tape? I've got kidnapped girls in Africa on my mind,'K?
    140523 Just wait till I get my hands on that Mel Gibson.
    140522 If you can't hide your chubby legs in jodphurs, we've got TNT so you can blast the fat right off!
    140521 Karl explains that the Emperor has just seen a Carmen Miranda movie. Their helmets will be replaced with fruit bonnets.
    140520 Madame Tussaud's is amazing!! Grandpa just plain flipped out after the Angie Dickinson statue.
    140519 We tested the novelty BALD-MAN radio-lamp, and he was easy to tune, plus he lit the room with a lovely 100-watt glow.
    140519 When the president of the Yul Brynner Fan Club started a medley from "The King and I",someone phoned Security.
    140518 Hope, Crosby and Lamour in "The Road to the Coca-Cola Bottling Plant".
    140517 It's pretty much a "fixer-upper" but it comes furnished.
    140516 Screw both of ya, this haircut's gonna look great when I grow the Chaplin moustache.
    140515 Well, the stewed tomatoes were a fail, but after a brief consult Operation Breakfast went ahead.
    140514 Mademoiselle! I cannot accept a brassiere as cab-fare!
    140514 The odd little man roamed the streets, stalking women and demanding piggy-back rides.
    140513 Tom: nobody puts handles on the cheese or the dinner bell, and I think you're cheating on me.
    140513 The Community Players present "I Can't Get This Thing Off My Head!"
    140512 He said he didn't mean no harm, jes wanted Cary Grant's autograph, Officer!
    140511 Hey, buddy, it's a no-smoking flight. Using your pocket as an ashtray isn't fooling anybody.
    140511 I hear they're gonna try showing the movie on one big screen at the front of the cabin next time.
    140510 Art Carney flubbed his one line: "Oh, Madame Wu, your zipper is broken!"
    140510 Say, it takes a real special dame to work a room with a wooden tulip sticking out of her head.
    140509 Don said he played the trumpet, but he didn't remember exactly how.
    140508 It was the first time Sven had tried the salsa verde.
    140508 Jim never got the hang of blushing like regular people.
    140507 Lay off the sarsaparilla,Charlie. You're not Mohammed Ali.
    140507 The rest of Wonder Woman's family had invisible vehicles, too. Her Uncle Jim loved his invisible "choo choo train".
    140506 Ha ha ha. Yes, I'm an excellent swimmer. Here are two brown ten dollar bills to go away.
    140505 The "Art on Submarines" project (meant to be calming) did nothing to stop the murderer with the meat cleaver.
    140504 Your "Love Boat" crew!
    140503 Dearest, I've invented the Thigh-Master.
    140502 Why not knit the mohair sweater (2nd from left) and send it to someone you intensely dislike?
    140502 Those tanning beds aren't good for you anyway.
    140501 Now I've got to starch and iron your father. The Grand Dragon's wearing him tomorrow night. Go right to sleep!
    140501 The Balloon triplets were terrified of the babysitter, who said if she heard any squeaking she was gonna pop 'em one.
    140430 I just said I'd get 'em clean. I didn't say nothin' about gettin' them so's you could eat off of 'em.
    140430 OK, you can bring in the rest of 2012, we'll start on 2013 next week.
    140429 The A & F catalog theme was, Hate Crimes: Look Super While You Do Them!
    140428 Oskar panics as he realizes his SS training didn't cover British slang for cocktails.
    140428 This girdle is killing me.
    140427 Morton, your legs are driving me wild.
    140427 This wall gives me an idea. Let's go to New York and open a bar that will someday be a gay rights landmark. OK, sweetie?
    140427 Say Brother! Here's an idea: I'll stop shaving. We'll make cough drops. But will "Pfirsichbaum-Smith" fit on the box?
    140426 Ozzy Osbourne walked out of his dressing room and into his 650th drug and alcohol intervention.
    140425 The new reality show, "The Real Housecats of Beverly Hills" has the inside scoop on everything Fluffy and Tiger do!
    140424 When Huck, Hickory and Zeke returned from Oz, Aunt Em had burned all their clothes, so they looted a rummage sale.
    140423 Billy spent weekends at his dad's new house now, where his dad lived with his special friend Victor and his fondue set.
    140422 We'll fix the fender but I'll have to get back to you about the bald thing.
    140421 Bridezillas want what they want, and Carol wanted alterations on that tux jacket NOW!
    140420 David Crosby and Roger McGuinn, c. 1966. "8 miles high, and when you touch down"--yeah. Hey, let the guitar drive now.
    140419 Chemical warfare? Nothing to worry about. Gotta go, if the stick changed color I'm pregnant.
    140418 We worship Bette Davis on our planet. She is our goddess. Which of you is Joan Crawford? Must destroy! Must destroy!
    140418 That was the time Amos slept in his new contacts, forgot it was Saturday, and lost the job at the lake!
    140417 Debbie Reynolds went to her first audition for "Singin' in the Rain" puzzled about this "couch" everyone talked about.
    140416 Uh, Jiminy Cricket couldn't make it today. But I see from his notes he was scolding you about--embezzling! Stop it!
    140416 The first comic-book "Robin" was the size of a bird. Too bad a glass door ended his crime-fighting career.
    140415 --but I said I didn't want to live in a dorm with any bookworms!
    140414 After too many slammed doors took their toll, the Jehovah Witness-bot was turned loose on an unsuspecting public.
    140414 Avon calling. Avon calling. We really mean it. Your weapons are useless against us. Avon calling....
    140413 "Cousin Itt Goes to Gilligan's Island" sometimes shows up on late-night TV.
    140412 The low-rent superhero Ratman couldn't afford a Rat-Cave on his salary, and his sidekick Bobbin lived at the Y.
    140411 Disney never knew about the skanky friends of his stars hanging out on the back lot til the Ronald Duck incident.
    140410 A meeting of the Confused Fans of Jimmy Cagney.
    140410 Yeah, I said your mother was a snake and I mean it. Put this on her breakfast tray.
    140409 Common household pests are developing immunities to all the old sprays.
    140408 Marge Bouvier Simpson never resembled her handsome father much, but the hair was due to a recessive gene.
    140408 I thought we could get some news, but this thing babbles about people named Eisenhower and Jerry Lee Lewis.
    140407 Not till the damn Kim and Kanye circus is over with. Why?
    140406 News of the Michael Jackson tour spread quickly. The people would sew the glittering gloves. The children would eat.
    140405 In this scene cut from "The Sound of Music", the Nazi butler tells Maria there have been rumors about that abbey.
    140405 Your mistress called. My God, Jim and I have been so careful to make sure you didn't find out about us.
    140404 Harry the Hare wasn't proud of some of the things he did, but he just had to get his teeth fixed.
    140403 Queen's Xmas album is only available as a bootleg. Their label censored the lyrics about the lords a-leapin'.
    140402 Tuition costs were sky-rocketing. Alex was in an early training program for a scholarship, with daily laps to the soap.
    140401 A fan waves to the marching band. The University of Pluto is hosting Pluto Tech and everyone's got that _+^*>%_/ spirit!
    140331 Every couple of years the Dilbert Fan Club has lunch with the Friends of Marcel Marceau. Shop talk at the bar, anyone?
    140330 That's right, officer, there was a mustache fight, and the best man won.
    140329 OK, so they'll hafta go on their hands and knees, but they can get outa New Jersey. Problem? No problem.
    140328 Close analysis revealed an accident in the frozen sperm lab.
    140328 The Teletubbies get a makeover and try for success as a boy band. Their single "EE blib blib bab bab" drops Tuesday.
    140326 --that ^&*#! Tyra Banks better keep her weave inside the ship on the next asteroid.
    140325 Hi! I'm the man on the paper towel wrapper and I'm here to clean up.
    140325 The worst thing for Lindsay was that she was driving drunk on the way to the spa.
    140324 The earthling demonstrated your Break Dancing. Now he is broken.
    140323 --insert line about finding GOP concern for the little people here--
    140322 "The Young Werewolves" were a sensation, but their manager had to chain them up a couple nights a month.
    140321 Brad didn't have the usual angel vs devil problem. He had a CPA on one shoulder and a little foreign car on the other.
    140321 In 1963, nothing spelled "success" like a bright orange tan with hair grease on top.
    140319 Alfred Hitchcock wanted to remake "The Wizard of Oz" with a psycho killer in Munchkinland this time.
    140318 It was going to be a difficult, possibly illegal, bocce move. But a lot of fun.
    140317 The new "American Idol" judge was really sick of hearing "Am I Blue?" and "I Dream of Genie With the Light Blue Face".
    140316 I said I wanted to see a ballet, and I wanted to see it NOW.
    140314 You see, boys and girls, if you stay in there Too Long the Devil will think he's made a new friend.
    140313 Due to budget cuts, the Coast Guard will consist of Barbie dolls and garden gnomes until further notice.
    140312 yeah, we're Beavis and Butthead. We can afford a better artist now, hehhehheh.
    140301 It was the first time Dad saw Miley Cyrus in her "Wrecking Ball" video. He knew he didn't like barbells anyhow.
    140228 Not many people know this, but one summer young LBJ coached the Michigan varsity football camp. That's Jerry Ford (rt).
    140228 Not many people know this, but the Michelin Men used to have their own football team.
    140227 Kids! You take cell phones for granted. You should have seen the first ones. Weighed a ton! "Never catch on", we said.
    140226 Luke. I'm your father.
    140225 Amazing1 After a few days in the desert, they swore Gen. MacArthur was returning!
    140224 Matt didn't understand. He could burp the alphabet and do great 3 Stooges impressions, but he never got a 2nd date.
    140224 Jackie Bouvier got tired of frat boys doing that "sorry-did-I-touch-you-there-I-got-something-in-my-eyes-no-really" bit.
    140223 Yes we hear very much news from Olympics. You make very proud your countrymen. Now is single bronze suite ready for you.
    140222 See "Charlie Chan in Berlin"! Number One Son goes undercover as Eva Braun's driving teacher!
    140221 Yeah, sure, I can make you a Cosmo.
    140220 Now I want to see two big bites of those vegetables disappear, boys.
    140220 OK, I brought a manicure set with me in my carry-on bag. I know it was wrong. But it's got the cutest little case!
    140219 Dad, look, time's flying!
    140219 Superman's skipping manhole covers across the railroad tracks just like he said he would! That nutty strongman!
    140218 Henry Kissinger had a little sideline career managing a clown-hypnotist. He said, "Ist chust like der diplomacy. Har!"
    140217 Honey, you look just like Fred Flintstone when you're mad!
    140217 You're the mayor of Toronto? Really? Oh, I bet you make an ass of yourself in the most glamorous places!
    140216 Gordon has some questions about Dave's new ultra-light, air-conditioned toupee.
    140215 Didja know that yodelin' cowboy style kin make the cattle stampede?
    140215 My friend Slim's gonna teach me how to be a cattle rustler! A gal's gotta have a career these days.
    140213 The SNL skit about The Clown Pope Who Can't Spell ended very badly. Fights broke out in the aisles, rumors are flying.
    140212 They were too late. There was a crater where the Bieber estate had been, and the smell of rotten eggs was overwhelming.
    140212 I felt that way the first time I heard the Rush Limbaugh Show. I'll get you a couple aspirin and some water, OK?
    140211 Ed Grimley just got the news that "Wheel of Fortune" is having auditions, and he's really excited I must say.
    140210 Even Justin Beiber's teddy bear was up to no good these days.
    140209 Before Col. Tom Parker managed Elvis, he was in a Mexican sand-dancing act.
    140209 Somebody dropped his mustache.
    140208 Sure, you think a tan looks good NOW, but this former leading man was only 35 in this B-movie. Use sunblock!
    140207 Sure, let's go to Kareoke night, you said. We can do Sonny and Cher, you said. I know all the words, you said...
    140206 Sometimes the figure on the restroom door liked to go for walks and startle pedestrians.
    140205 Jeez, get down to the Coach outlet store right now, Biff. Stop wearing that cheap crap from Old Navy.
    140204 ...and they fixed the chimney with the stale fruitcakes. The vanilla frosting, however, was eaten by squirrels.
    140203 I was looking for the White Rabbit, sir. Are you perhaps a White Rabbi?
    140202 The other Marx Brothers--Pervo, Weirdo, and Blotto--in "The Night We Got This Incredibly Strong Hash in Casablanca".
    140201 Hey, over here! It's a porthole out of the 1970s!
    140131 Nobody does a sunset like Maxfield Parrish.
    140130 The act was lame, so Whiney the Clown made sure the audience was, too.
    140129 It's high time you Duck Dynasty men got yourselves a new look.
    140129 It's our bargain price deal: no shaving cream, a crummy old blade, but we do your face and your whole scalp!
    140128 You must be here for the "Phantom" auditions.
    140128 Just peel that off in 10 minutes for radiant clear skin!
    140127 Sorry, Officer, but I thought the flying egg ran the light.
    140127 Yeah! I was that face at the end of "Star Trek'. I'm here shooting an infomercial.
    140126 In his spare time, Martin Short taught children to part their hair.
    140125 Freud was treating neuroses in the earliest stages, but it was hard to see them on those itty bitty couches.
    140125 Freud searches for an explanation for Holmes' coke addiction. Freud is just an occasional user. Everyone knows that.
    140123 The cosmetic dentistry business picked up once they got Tiffani to stand outside a lot.
    140123 Men dropped at her feet. Her Grandmother's old banana peel trick worked every time!
    140122 In the new version of "Sanford and Son", the Sanfords--wear these real dorky pants.
    140122 Ed Grimley and Bozo the Clown dowse for next season's sitcom inspirations.
    140121 Special event for next Olympics. Chernobyl track and field. Here athlete's shirt has melted from thrill of victory.
    140121 Nelson Eddy swore the best thing for his manly baritone was a nice hot bath in pea soup.
    140120 Liz, darling, please tell young Charles he simply can't have the school staff beheaded.
    140119 Their comedy act pretty much consisted of shaking hands with those buzzer things in their palms.
    140119 Now appearing at The Blue Room, Grace Slick!
    140118 What the well-dressed astronaut will be wearing this year. Don't go into orbit wearing last season's space suit!
    140116 They lost the dice and broke the roulette wheel so they played "Spin the Dealer".
    140115 Yeah, I dunno why they call it "pancake makeup" either. You gonna be in a closeup with a side of hash browns?
    140115 Judy Garland was lost. The man with the lollypop suggested she hitchhike to the Emerald City.
    140113 Little Penny ran down the hall and out the door, where her hair ribbons caught an updraft. As she rose she flashed Jose.
    140113 Guess what? I'm gonna be just like Sarah Palin. My report is called "Our Allies, The North Koreans"!
    140112 The escalator is stuck. We're going to have to walk all the way up.
    140112 You'll know you're in Hell when you're wearing a leisure suit and the director keeps yelling, 'CUT! Cue Superman!'
    140111 You can always tell when the MC Escher fans have their convention.
    140111 The Law of Gravity had been repealed, but there were those who risked the fines and refused to change.
    140110 After Dr. Pavlov got dogs to drool when he jingled a bell, he got little girls to drool when he jingled Justin Bieber.
    140110 I'm part billy goat and clearly she doesn't take after my side of the family! At her age I would have eaten a blanket.
    140109 Of course it's a thrill, starring in "Sorority Drop-Outs Meet the Killer Bees", but what I really want to do is direct.
    140109 Actually, Pumpkin, Jack Kennedy didn't tell the Germans he was a jelly doughnut. And you're no Jack Kennedy.
    140108 As we rafted through the swamp, we saw an Abercrombie and Fitch model.
    140108 It's the new Midget Launcher! Fling little men everywhere! Amuse your friends, confound your enemies!
    140107 GW Bush said, a fun thing about being President is that if you want a piggy-back ride from a bodyguard, you get it!
    140107 Big Tommy thought it was a weird time for a game of Leap-frog, but anything to keep The Boss happy.
    140106 Unaired episode of "I Love Lucy": Lucy finds Ricky with the coat-check girl from the club.
    140105 It was an IUD for the TV set. The Huxtables only had Theo; the Brady "Bunch" was Jan; and the Partridges never toured.
    140104 Help! There's a box on my head! The fashion police are already after me for my clown makeup!
    140104 The pillbox hat needed adjustments before it could become a fashion rage.
    140103 News of a second Miley Cyrus-Robin Thicke collaboration traveled fast.
    140102 The Joker got up on New Year's Day with a terrible hangover and realized he'd married Katie Perry.
    140101 Eww, somebody was sick all over the placemat.
    131231 ...and put the canisters of aspirins at the end of the New Year's Eve buffet at 2 am, with the ice packs and sick bags.
    131231 That's Marge Simpson's hair in there! Don't drop it, whatever you do, it'll be months before we can get her some more!
    131230 Your berries got ripe since you picked up that phone. Your neighbors picked them and made jam. BTW that's a party line.
    131230 Muriel just hated that darn "call waiting". And she never liked those answering machines. She just liked to talk...
    131229 We would have taken more fuel with us but we needed room for a hair salon.
    131229 We're from a federation with a lower budget than "Star Trek"'s, and our special effects are even less convincing.
    131228 Husband, the sages hath answered my query : Canst thy marriage be saved?
    131228 You will take Miss Hood through the forest with the basket of goodies and no hanky panky, Mr. B. B. Wolfe.
    131227 <thinks> How many times have I told him, no one wears legwarmers anymore?
    131227 The Queen told them not to play football in the palace, and the prime minister couldn't remember the rules anyway.
    131226 Miss Cranston, our uniforms are florescent, just in case you have to take dictation after regular business hours.
    131226 He wanted to thank her for a lovely time, but his glasses were in his coat pocket. Which one of those blondes was it--?
    131226 George could feel the testosterone surge as he tied the snake in a Windsor knot.
    131225 Boy-shaped luggage is very chic. Still, sometimes it doesn't impress the waiters and you need to be assertive.
    131224 I gave up the Temperance Union for opium smuggling, dear, but keep it under your hat.
    131224 Drugstore grand opening! Meet Queen Victoria and her jester! Free mystery gifts and balloons!
    131223 Joe! They--they couldn't find your brains.
    131223 In the early days, home perms fought back. Those "Brady Bunch" guys had it so easy, all those years later...
    131222 Picture yourself at Home On The Range Condos! Free stabling incl., ground floor units have campfire! Saloon onsite!
    131222 Start the cattle rustlin' without me, boys.There's a Weight Watchers meetin' at the OK Corral.
    131221 The--spike--goes--through--the--helmet--on--the--other--side--Sir.
    131220 ...well, this'll be the last time you find color-co-ordinated outfits so #%&@! amusing!!!!
    131220 Sinatra was a star. He didn't have to shoot the other singers at his agent's office, but the hangover was fierce.
    131219 Tomcat was scared, but on the good side, he was sprouting Q-Tips.
    131219 You know it's a bad day when Hungover Bear sprays you with Pledge and makes you into a dustrag.
    131218 Darling, I bought you a new hat. Here's the change. Let's make love.
    131218 Congratulations, you've just won the Stupid Hat of the Month contest!
    131217 Sure,he was hired to sign for the deaf, but those darn angels were so distracting!
    131216 Oh, you shake the hand? In my country we have tradition to extend the meat cleaver, so!
    131216 You could wind up with a new dimple, but Sam the barber always had time for a favorite customer.
    131215 During their tea and fortune-cookie break, they practiced harmonizing on "Lucy Liu In The Sky With Diamonds".
    131215 then you pick up this 'fork' and stick it in the food. It takes practice.
    131214 It was just the 3rd graders' art projects on display, but *^_+ transmitted everything to the home planet immediately.
    131214 The kids thought that mannequin at the mall was weird, but maybe Mom would like one of those hats for Christmas.
    131213 What WAS that song? She just couldn't get it out of her head! "My dear little Alice Blue Gun"--? No, that wasn't it...
    131213 Mr and Mrs Bonaduce realize young Danny has his dad's red hair as well as dad's problem with smoking drugs.
    131212 MEMO: *Finish Xmas shopping.* Rescue Maxine and LaVerne Andrews before USO show (check Lex Luthor's place?) * eggs,oj
    131212 Clark Kent can cross Trojans off his shopping list. But no, he still denies his secret identity as Superman.
    131212 Lois realizes that Clark looks an awful lot like Stan Smith from "American Dad". What does she really know about Clark?
    131211 Meg Ryan to star in "The Donald Duck Story".
    131211 That cigarette smoke is hell for us contact lens wearers, Bub.
    131211 Yeah, Mama was part bulldog, you wanna make something of it?
    131210 Lola Mansfield smuggles microfilm out of Moscow in her corset in the wacky comedy, "What's a USSR?"
    131209 Serves him right. Look at that sorry excuse for a beard.
    131209 So, after all his appointments, the robo-psychiatrist folds up into the box?
    131207 Yes, my brother and I are on the cough drop box. I once had my clothes torn off by a crazed admirer. Fame, you know.
    131207 My beard really likes your beard and wonders what it's doing tomorrow night.
    131204 What a gal! The designer didn't show up so Jane dipped her pinkie finger in ink and outlined us a set. Thanks, Janie!
    131204 By the time the all-blonde crew of "For And About Blondes" got the mic on, the hour was almost up.
    131202 The new parental controls were on everything. Kids, don't even think about that Miley Cyrus video.
    131201 I can't make this out. Is it "Dunt skreem giv me ell yr munee"? Young man, are you ill?
    131201 The management had very strict rules about seating.
    131201 Mr. Booth, President Lincoln is much taller than I am, though we like the same hats. Here: my card. Enjoy the play.
    131130 Tune in tomorrow for more "Tudor Hospital": will Geoffrey get a new crutch? Will Gwendolyn stop biting her stitches?
    131129 Now how can I be drunk, with the lampshade still right there on the lamp like that, Gertie.
    131128 One met the most interesting people while waiting in line at the deli. Like the man hitch-hiking his way to the counter.
    131127 Bring the hose, the dahlias have a headache and you know how they get.
    131127 Kids! They promise to take care of the pet, but who ends up doing all the work?
    131126 1. Insert pipe. 2. Square jaw. 3. Review 1 and 2. 4. Admire self in discreet mirror, ignoring redhead. 5. See 1 and 2.
    131125 That was the last time Charles personally took his younger son home from Vegas.
    131124 The tutorial begins at seven in my study at the Dew Drop Inn, Miss Taylor.
    131123 Marlon Brando pouts when he realizes he should've been more patient with Hair and Make-up.
    131122 And so he went through life with that strange first name and even stranger plastic sleeve on his right arm.
    131121 It was the only way they got the message about all that cologne.
    131120 COMING SOON: Lance's sign read, "No Witnesses, No LDS!" He never expected... Satan's Jewish Mayans On the Welcome Mat!!
    131119 then he said, "The Octopus' Garden? It's REAL, man! <buuurrpp> I'll get the keys, 'K?"
    131117 The visitor from Moscow brought Miss Stetson a bell. When she rang it, the men ran to the counter and bought new hats.
    131116 Of course I'm Batman. The regular outfit's at the cleaner's.
    131116 I want to complain about that over-the-counter sinus medication.
    131115 Such a sweet tenor voice! But how--? He is too thin to be an opera singer!
    131102 At "Nerds Monthly", the cover story for the next issue was "Dying Your Hair With Shoe Polish Can Be Fun!"
    131031 JRR Tolkien's long-lost chapter: the missionaries come to the Shire and make converts.
    131031 Brigham Young celebrates Halloween.
    131029 Forget "scrubbing bubbles". New :/Z^) Detergent's got Alien Life Forms!
    131028 On "Rodents Got Talent!", this guy wowed a judge with impressions of Mickey, Minnie, Stuart Little,and Topo Gigio.
    131021 It started out as somebody's idea of a wet T-shirt contest.
    131019 In the immortal words of David Cassidy, "I think I love you".
    131019 Michael Keaton had a bit part in "Buy My Schmattah", a nauseating look at the old Garment District.
    131017 The "Jockey For Werewolves" campaign was innovative, but didn't move much product.
    131016 Be a gentleman, you said. Well, I'm just trying to get your coat off so I can hold it for you like a gentleman!
    131014 Well, if Donald Trump needed a sign, he's got one.
    131012 Misty and Midnight were Super-glued this way overnight. We'll just have to do the best we can.
    131009 Ryan Gosling in an early role.
    131009 It's your life! No little ducklings til you're good and ready!
    131008 How many times could she tell the Nerd triplets that she had to wash her hair?
    131008 Everyone wanted to dance with Vicki. She knew all the latest Earth steps and they heard that humans all 5^/=>+1%(9)!!
    131007 The awards banquet featured a tribute to jingles for indigestion cures through the decades.
    131007 If your medicine cabinet looks like this, check your dosage. Once the label comes back into focus and everything.
    131006 Ya know that awesome new shaved-sides look Miley's got? My work.
    131005 "Hilda's the black sheep of the family", they told me. Still, I was unprepared.
    131004 Don't look now, but I think Lois is going to find out that Clark has a secret identity.
    131003 He met the new file clerk. Then Mason's eyebrows became detached from his face.
    131003 Dude, my party has the vision! You shoulda heard Ted Cruz. "I do not like green eggs and ham"--I know, right?
    131002 You keep yakking on your phone, you won't notice your train derailed and you've landed in a nest of vampire squirrels.
    131002 When the old piano bar closed, the Steinway was made into a park bench, but the hangers-on kept coming. Even Lil Tipsy.
    131001 I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
    130930 Desperate for tourist money, Hawaiians dramatized the native legends. But not very well.
    130930 Scientologists are desperate to explain about Xenu and thetans and why you need all those courses to "go clear"....
    130930 Marvel just started "Weird Guy", who jumps out of a woman's body and beats up these flame things! OK, it's in the works.
    130929 From a tender age she could drive men mad.
    130929 Bonnie and Clyde met in grade school. It was the parrot's fault they went astray.
    130928 This is what people did before cell phones and call waiting. The man on the left has a second line.
    130928 Bell Telephone once tried to re-make old phones into hats. They were hard on the neck and rang at odd times.
    130926 We never believed the legend of the vampire mutt, but there was Betty with both feet off the ground...
    130926 This was George on the way to becoming Georgette. The dog still barked after the surgery.
    130925 Senor Wences was in town and everyone was talking through those little faces on their hands. Even when they faded.
    130925 Nancy Drew finds a handsome stranger lurking near Rock Hudson's hotel balcony.
    130924 Parents said that Elvis Presley was a bad influence. Here, Junior's off to get the kids boppin' to the See-Saw Rock.
    130924 Li'l Evel Knievel about to take off for a stunt tricycle ride.
    130923 If you tingle down to all 5 of your toes when you sit on the edge of a crater, keep on datin' her!" --planetary lore
    130923 For a good time, S^(@ and I!+_ go to the drive-in for Earth films like "2001" and "Star Wars" and snort-laugh.
    130922 Dr. Freud's nanny, which explains a few things.
    130922 The very youngest of the Hitler Youth were trained to soil their diapers for the Fatherland.
    130920 He was having that dream again. After one of those "wine and cheese parties", you know.
    130920 In the Disney version of "North By Northwest", this is a musical number.
    130920 Around Wilbur and Orville, sibling rivalry was downright deadly.
    130919 Ferd thought "the Midas touch" had to do with car mufflers. Not this turning-stuff-into-gold thing.
    130919 But--I thought I made this trip to meet an "American Idol"--!
    130918 Before she was Miss America, Phyllis George worked for GM part-time as a crash test dummy.
    130917 At St. Darla's, young women were traditionally flung through the chimney to start the religious life.
    130917 The Fire Dept. made the test easier, with mixed results. Here, the "fireman's carry" is correct, but "exit technique"-?
    130917 Cosmo's tip of the month: torch your building and meet some of those hunky firemen!
    130916 On the phone he said he was "in show biz". That turned out to mean providing the canned laughter on "Diff'rent Strokes".
    130916 Heather was expecting something else on her blind date with a "love machine".
    130915 Mister Bunny-Wunny and I are going to see the King of the Squirrels. So tell the President I'm out of the office.
    130914 Yeah, it's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt.
    130914 I heard his wife had a hit put out on him. Yeah. She had connections to the Boyardee gang.
    130913 There was a plate of Rice Krispie Treats in the kitchen at eleven-thirty.
    130913 ,,,and in your 45th year the garden club will elect you president, but your bunions will grow worse. Invest in staplers.
    130912 The royal voice-box was gone due to years of smoking, but the king showed his approval through interpretive dance.
    130912 Wolfman Jack with a show of solidarity for all the straight brothers and sisters out there.
    130910 Robin Williams in a scene from "Doubtfire II", scaring the locals right off the stoop.
    130910 Mrs. Schwartzbaum had never heard of sidewalk surfing.
    130909 You really do need to wear your sunblock. The woman on the left is 28.
    130909 Keith Richards drops by to ask for a light.
    130909 The latest thing in ads: hauntings. "Buy Merde face creme, or look like meeee!!" Sales skyrocketed.
    130908 At first, Dutch Boy paint was called Lil Cowgirl paint,and it came in a tube. Customers waited overnight to get it!
    130907 As the actors waited for their cues, they realized two of them were on the wrong set.
    130907 Just a thought: what about a sort of fire-fighting police team? It seems as if every time we visit, the place burns up!
    130906 Blue hair may be all the rage with your hoodlum friends, but it's against the dress code at the Stuffed Shirt Club.
    130906 I regret to inform you that we do not tolerate your sort of humor regarding Asians, Miss Owens.
    130905 The first review for The Dismaltown Players' production of "Hamlet" came in ahead of schedule.
    130904 Yes, the dentist said to brush after every meal, but most patients remove the brush in between.
    130903 Dear Miss Manners, Which is shocking? 1.The boy is wearing white after Labor Day, 2. picking his nose, 3. under a UFO.
    130903 Get your lunch box on a stick! (jeez I hope this pays off) Lunch box on a stick!
    130902 White-collar-drone-types-R-Us! Call and we'll drop one anywhere in the Metro area!
    130902 With the new device, AA members can call their sponsors and get beamed up on the way to Happy Hour.
    130902 There goes George again, beaming down his hologram to go to work while he sleeps late! Sure wish I had one of those!
    130901 Here's proof that the Colonel made a deal with Satan for Elvis' fame! OK, it's Mr. Ling with take-out, how about $50?
    130901 The models signed releases before leaving the set of the joint commercial for Weight Watchers and Hair Club For Men.
    130831 --but if you flip them at the right speed, Betty Boop does the Charleston. Makes the day that much easier.
    130831 Good morning, I'm your office manager today. We have some lovely memos for you, and may I suggest the budget report?
    130822 I'm taking over my uncle's fedora business. A man's never fully dressed without a hat. It's as basic as hair pomade!
    130822 No one at the counter had ever realized that Michigan's Lower Peninsula looks like a hand! Joe's hair never got over it.
    130822 Love sticking that PRESS card in my hatband! And talk about job security! We'll always have newspapers.
    130821 Father,please stop flapping your arms. You need a pilot's license before you can fly.
    130821 Maestro Arthur Fiedler lost his mind. Away from the Boston Pops, he conducted traffic. And globes. And his arrest.
    130820 One was going to comb and trim Mr. Gulliver's nose hairs, since you ask.
    130820 This is the worst wedgie I ever had in my entire life.
    130820 I really think we need to talk about a safe word before this goes any farther.
    130819 No, it's not THAT version of "Hello, Dolly!"
    130819 "Babes in Toyland": this weekend's midnight movie!
    130818 Funny, you don't look Jewish.
    130818 I hear Tom Cruise needs a new stand-in. All that Scientology talk wears 'em out fast.
    130818 Gotta put another quarter in the meter. Don't wanna see a parking ticket on my Shetland pony!
    130817 Sure, it's a dirty job, but look at these cool uniforms. Total babe magnet, dude!
    130817 We have not heard of this Bruce Lee. We know Brenda Lee. She is also your cousin?
    130816 Note to self: peasants threatening revolution. If I survive, will probably need a desk.
    130816 "--and that birth certificate is fake, he wasn't born in Lilliput and can't be king. Also his ears are funny. Signed, X"
    130815 So I wanted to drink from the tap. So I ain't got thumbs. Wanna make something of it?
    130815 House cats are related to lions, tigers, and panthers, and you will never forget it if you ever attempt to bathe one.
    130815 Not exactly what Dave expected when he bought Mister Fluffy that new all-natural cat health food.
    130814 You work on your thesis on your own time, missy--the only gravitational forces here are the ones that extract tips!
    130814 ...but there's less material in the new costumes. Why aren't they cheaper?
    130812 Julianne Moore and John Travolta co-star in a wacky comedy about a couple who hire a zany Satanic interior decorator!
    130812 At home, Michael Jackson wore auburn wigs and did Rita Hayworth impressions till the doctor's sleep medication worked.
    130811 Where were you yesterday? Batman and Robin didn't show, but these drunks from 19th-century Ukraine did.
    130810 Nyet, funny person, we are the world-famous Crosby, Stills and Nash making tour of Latvian tavern. We sing soon, da.
    130810 What a country! Your "bat-man" wear a cape, our "bat-man" wear a cape, but only our "bat-man" drink your blood! Ha!
    130809 Those school cafeteria lunches go right to my butt. Good thing I know how to dress so it doesn't show!
    130809 I'm going to visit my uncle over on Sesame Street. His roommate knitted me this sweater!
    130808 Get this, Blondie: I broke out of the zoo and strangled a bank teller. Get me on a plane to Buenos Aires.
    130808 Early training film from Aer Lingus: Begorra, Saint Pat drove the snakes from Erin! Tis a man in 5A wit' th' DTs!
    130807 Dude! When the babies do that, you can like, clean 'em up with soap an' water, 'K? The deodorant's not gonna cut it!
    130807 So, yeah, are they identical twins, or fraternal twins?
    130806 That'll teach that Dalai Lama a thing or two.
    130805 Aww, hell, lady, "Downton Abbey" isn't real and you can't win a trip there.
    130805 Ms Coulter, no one can see your legs, this is radio! And our facts-checker says Obama doesn't actually eat babies.
    130804 Sorry, must've dozed off in the sauna. We're not at war or anything, are we?
    130804 You must be here for the Salute to Beards Through the Ages.
    130803 I had to earn this lightning bolt! I proved I could start a thunderstorm from scratch, complete with hailstones.
    130803 I don't have the map either. Put Mike on the ground, spin him, and send a scout in the direction his head points.
    130802 The Baron of Lardass announces his wish to swim in the lake. His lackey has to warn the peasants of the coming eyesore.
    130802 It's a great glove, it works just like a fan! Oh, they were party favors last night, pity you weren't invited.
    130801 Mumsy waved to Wills and Kate and baby George on the giant telly. Too bad she was raising a little anarchist.
    130731 Before Title 9, women's sports were badly underfunded. Here, a varsity soccer player drop-kicks her brother into play.
    130731 The Joan Crawford Babysitting Service had strict rules about snacking, and enforced them.
    130731 After many ugly fights,Mickey Rooney's 3rd wife was banned from the MGM lot.
    130730 The pills must not be working. She was sure the Aunt Jemima's Syrup bottle was walking and talking again.
    130730 Oh no! The baby's on the clothesline and the bedspread's in the crib!
    130729 This is too large for the overhead compartment. We don't allow anything larger than a Molotov cocktail in those.
    130729 In case of emergency, small bombs will descend from the ceiling. Drop them out the window onto the enemy airplane.
    130728 Anyone can wear a hat on his head, but only a few can perch a hat on a thigh with such wit and style.
    130728 Yup, jes' picked up this lil beauty. It's by a fella name a Maxfield Parrish. Hung it up so's it won't git wrinkly.
    130727 Meanwhile, the Joker explained his fiendish plot to toss the rock through the window of the Gotham City Tie Shop!
    130727 Cesar Romero; his stand-in mustache; and his stunt mustache.
    130726 Kent, there's some kind of rumor that you leap tall buildings in a single bound. I'm counting on you tomorrow.
    130726 OK, men, get out there and model those corsets!
    130725 Ann was so surprised when Jimmy finally proposed! A few weeks later, he and Vince were married in New York.
    130725 Philip and Morris were twins. It was a long time and many dates before she learned to tell them apart.
    130725 Members of the Varsity Smoking Team pictured doing their afternoon workout.
    130724 Now look what you made me do! Every time I see redheads in tight green dresses I sweat black ink! Oohhh!!!
    130724 There's a crazy Cuban outside. Which one of you is "Loo-cee"? He says you have some "splainin" to do.
    130724 One of you is Brenda Starr and the other is an expensive call girl. I'll pay Brenda twice as much to forget this story.
    130723 Egbert "Fathead" McCoy had to seek out Hats For the Big and Tall.
    130723 We get all the old Monopoly game pieces. Some prefer the hotels.
    130723 It's fine, I'm going to a headshrinker. I expect it'll fit perfectly soon, and I'll also be over my odd fear of rabbits!
    130722 And now, if you'll please form a mosh pit, I'd like to crowd-surf. Handle me gently, I'm ticklish!
    130722 "--so I stopped the runaway train with the blinding force of this yellow and orange jacket!"
    130722 Yes! I am just thrilled to say I will be playing the title role in Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Evita"!
    130721 Three hats! What a great gimmick! Now we're sure to win "Colonial Africa's Got Talent"!
    130721 Welcome to the Congo Cafe. Today's special is, don't drink the water.
    130720 Standing there in that white coat, you remind me of my mother, somehow. All right, I confess. I love you. Marry me, Joe!
    130720 Hand over the oxycontin and no one gets hurt.
    130720 Watch out, this thing goes from zero to 60 in less than five seconds, young man.
    130719 That was the time Al tried the gag about a "living bra"--yeah, that's why his left hand don't work so good.
    130719 That was the moment Betty Jo transformed into Blondzella the Avenger! Jimmy Douchebag spent 6 weeks in the hospital.
    130719 Too bad for Kenny Dumkopf. He didn't know some girls wear black belts even if they don't match the shoes.
    130718 Here at the Brown Paper Bag Clinic, we're doing some amazing things with wrinkles.
    130718 Nurse? You slipcovered the last patient.
    130718 Well, Mrs. Brownthing, we've pumped both of your husband's stomachs. Remember, Big Macs gotta come OUT of the box first!
    130717 Megan could feel the spirit of unfeminine odor. Why had she brought that cheap deodorant along on the trip to Zorp2 ?
    130717 I confess I've always had a fantasy about a threesome where one of us is really a twosome.
    130716 Big Tony lost 38 lbs. on Jenny Craig Jailbirds' Diet! At 40 lbs you get a Jenny Craig cake (file not included, sorry)
    130716 Those white contact lenses hampered a talented young artist. "Scratches On Wall" was panned by the critics.
    130715 Is your cell phone bill too high? Try LOGCEL* and save! Free lozenges with ad!(*not recommended for long distance calls)
    130715 Your Highness, we understand how you feel, but please will you just answer one question: boy or girl?
    130715 Mr. Zimmerman? Will you come out and talk to the media?
    130714 Now, Biff, I'm gonna have to cut you off. You know how you get after too many chocolate milks.
    130714 Pardon me, but I have to go to the little diesel-dyke's room.
    130713 Make yourself useful and play that drum there, I feel like yodeling.
    130713 Your mama sure done a great job cuttin your hair, Baby Girl.
    130713 Honey, it's a pet rock just like the city slickers got. Happy birthday and take real good care of him, his name is Spot.
    130712 I'm buying a car on the installment plan.
    130712 Some guy with a club and a mammoth skin says he wants royalties.
    130712 These Girl Scout cookies get worse every year.
    130711 Paris Hilton laughed at the photographer's assistant and her acne one too many times that morning...
    130711 In the last hours before Elle School Uniforms du Mode went to press, things got ugly.
    130710 Well, sometimes after you hear Rush Limbaugh you just can't get the bad taste out of your mouth any other way.
    130710 <thinks: if this doesn't get me the lead in "The Ozzy Osbourne Story", nothing will.>
    130710 Today on "Morning Crap": Does COMET really make your teeth turn green? Let's go to our man in the men's room! Steve--?
    130709 The Mandarin vampire is a strong swimmer, and leaves its victims with an odd craving for egg drop soup.
    130709 Back in the day, Asian actors had to take what they could get, and eat a lot of blue lollipops.
    130708 Guys! Jolson's telling that story again about how he's really a rabbi's son. BWHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!
    130708 Well, hel-LO, sailor! It's Politically Incorrect Day here at GigTrig! I say Chuck's not bald,just too tall for his hair!
    130707 The Colonel exploited Elvis, churning out movies like "We'll Have a Swingin' Lobotomy".
    130707 Son, that "Do-It-Yourself Home Chemical Peel Facial Kit" may have cured your acne, but now you're blind.
    130706 Willie the Shakes and His Fabulous Seven at "Stratford-Upon-Avon's Got Talent!"
    130706 Majesty, tis the nanny's day off and the Royal Nappy demands attention.
    130705 The Incredible Mustache Man could sense danger through his facial hair! But how to leave the glee club rehearsal--?
    130704 Octavius cheaped out on the print job so he could have memo pads in every room.
    130704 Moshe was glad his new Jewish calendar came but why was "Adar" misspelled? Well, at least they put in "Adar II"!
    130704 Never enough time to make those Halloween costumes? Plan Thanksgiving? Well, fret no more, you've got an extra month!
    130703 Count Dracula couldn't get past the bouncer, whether as a bat or in his human form.
    130703 Just put down the spear and let me lead! You think you're so butch but you've stepped on my toes for the last time!
    130702 Get back on the floor, we can't handle the white sale by ourselves!
    130702 Dave won the prize for Best Costume and boy were his roommates mad! And they wouldn't let him near Aunt Jane's henhouse.
    130702 That'll teach you to read the obituaries and laugh.
    130701 "I'll teach that woman pilot to fly planes!" he said, disposing of the flight plans.
    130630 OK, where's my red rubber nose?
    130630 Kenneth Brannagh has announced that the lead in "Mary Queen of Scots" will be played by Sir Ian MacKellan.
    130629 Uhh, my hat wants to know, what's your hat doing tomorrow night?
    130628 Sure, I trained with Mr. Veedal Sassoon himself. Kids love me. Drop off Junior for a haircut, pick him up whenever.
    130628 We hear there's a lice epidemic at this daycare center. Do you confirm or deny?
    130627 When Etta saw the mess remaining on the walls and the floor, she ran from her house and never came back.
    130626 Starmuck's just introduced its biggest cup yet. The Trevi holds 13 gallons and spills easily.
    130626 So Dad said, "Forget recycling! Our garbage goes straight back to Mother Nature!"
    130625 Not only had his entire forearm re-grown, he had a new Timex! Boy, is that aloe vera ever amazing!
    130624 Each year on their anniversary they returned to the escalators where they first met.
    130624 Two of the contestants from the new reality show, "So You'd Like To Be On a Coin?"
    130623 No, dear, it's not a problem with the lens. The animals are extinct.
    130622 The Bushes paid all the kids to wear helmets so George W wouldn't feel bad. But he was the one who fell down a lot.
    130622 Drastic measures were taken to ensure everyone took their lunch pails with them.
    130621 Michael Jackson was cut from "Superman II" after he grabbed Christopher Reeve's crotch instead of his own while dancing.
    130620 The savings are WILD at our White Sale!! Come in to Rodent's Dept. Store this week! Free infected raccoon with purchase!
    130620 I didn't say "coon"! Just because I'm wearing a white sheet, don't make assumptions!
    130619 Whatever you do, don't tell her this is the foot-binding experiment and not the center for stiletto heel-induced pain.
    130619 She's lying to you. Son, you'll be able to walk again without pinching your own ass. Trust me, I'm wearing a white coat.
    130618 Moby Dick had a less-famous cousin, a huge bath toy who roamed the Atlantic. He was known as "Rubber Dicky".
    130618 During the War, soap powder was rationed, and the Navy often sank enemy submarines with an ensign's BVDs on a pole.
    130617 George Clooney's new girlfriend is actually 3 Italian midgets in a suit.
    130617 VOGUE says the bustle is making a comeback! Those in the know will be wearing it with ten-inch platform shoes.
    130617 So that's why the alterations were so cheap-the tailors didn't actually have a shop.
    130616 In the new Williams-Sonoma showroom, the sales crew wears the items. Try a colander, ma'am? Or, meet the cheese grater!
    130616 On Planet Zo^/#?b} the new salon was going cosmically. Lisa Sim*^@9n-Conehead and mate zapped perms onto heads.
    130615 Madonna worried that maybe someone in the stadium hadn't seen it yet.
    130615 Watch out for this parasite making this one guy itch and the other break out in some kind of a weird rash.
    130614 That one's for military aid to the 2nd President Bush. Our troops invaded France to throw toilet paper over their trees.
    130614 Royal but broke, the blue-bloods were inspired to stage their own version of "The Full Monty".
    130613 A cherub or a fish is the usual thing, but why not have a flustered policeman on top of your backyard fountain?
    130613 Cookie Bumstead's appearance outside the comics pages caused a public disturbance.
    130612 I dropped a contact lens.
    130611 "Come-As-Your-Favorite-Greek" was a lousy party theme. Aristotle Onassis: yeah, OK, but for Kojak you HAD to be bald!
    130611 It was a matter of <cough> artistic differences when it came to casting the lead in the commercial for Olympus Yogurt.
    130610 There was a black market in multiplication tables and Emily had a Barbie doll habit to support.
    130610 Playdate? Hmmm, ballet,gymnastics, soccer, Brownies, but I can squeeze you in on the 25th. Gimme a call, we'll do milk.
    130609 Aw, hell, gotta call ya back, the other line's ringing.
    130608 Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara had secret initiation rituals for the recent graduates of the police academy.
    130608 Und vere ist der "Wayne Manor" und why you ver playing der Shirts against der Skins touch football?
    130607 Hecky wasn't good enough for the rodeo, but he was just as happy to ride the public library building anyhow.
    130607 It's SHOWER-IN-A-CAP! Invisible friend not included.
    130606 John Travolta shows how doin Scientology makes it hard to tell he wears a hairpiece, an stuff.
    130605 The boss is doing his Bald Eagle impersonations again. If this isn't a job for Superman, I don't know what is.
    130605 I demand to be painted gold and delivered to next year's Oscar winner.
    130602 The early GPS devise didn't help the bad guys much. They knew where the banks were. What about the Batmobile?
    130602 The "American Idol" judges aren't resigning voluntarily. Music lovers are trying to shoot them.
    130601 Gore Vidal and Truman Capote used to have staring contests. Capote wrote about them and four editors went insane.
    130601 Just think: even if we never say anything funny, we'll make a great sight gag.
    130601 Dammit, you know we belong together. Marry me and make me the happiest man with dog turds in his hair.
    130530 The waiters passed old Kodak slides. "Try them with the salsa!" our hostess said. "It's fat-free!"
    130528 And now, for my next trick: I'm getting a divorce so fast it'll make your head spin!
    130528 Well, since she'd started serving coffee while table-dancing, her tips had gone way up!
    130528 I meant "Sure I'll have another martini", but it came out "Ask that redhead to come over here"--I dunno what happened!
    130527 Poirot recognised it instantly. Death by "peek-a-boo".
    130527 Liberace once had to play a concert in plain black evening clothes. He fainted from sequin deprivation.
    130526 The Britisher prisoners sing a very amusing song. It seems Der Fuhrer's testicle ist im their Albert Hall! Heh heh
    130526 We're not really into hate groups. We just like wearing uniforms.
    130526 The Third Reich pays #^&!, so we've taken part-time jobs delivering pizza.
    130525 Darth Vader and Ringo Starr said they were "just good friends" who happened to meet at the Star Wars convention.
    130525 It sure was a weird "Star Trek". Spock beamed up Sonny and Cher-2VZ%> and they sang "I've Got You, 18.X^()".
    130524 Jimmy thinks he's home free, but the Marshmallow Monster is coming for her children. Vengeance is sweet! And sticky.
    130524 ..and so the newest dwarf, Nutsy, stole all the oddly-shaped packages from the Post Office before he blew it up. Hi ho!
    130523 Agnes heard The Monkees were on tour, and she wanted to get a good seat.
    130523 This is what happened when everyone got tired of Doris saying "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!"
    130522 No! I'm deathly afraid of spinning muffins!
    130521 While sleeping with his mouth open, Sir Arthur had ingested caterpillars. Now he spat the cocoons at his servant.
    130521 Elton John's dad would've loved some wild eyeglasses himself, but back then choices were limited.
    130521 Until you're licensed to kill, you have a learner's permit, so you need an experienced co-shooter if you bust a cap.
    130520 Your kitchen staff called. Something in the Blue Plate Special is trying to claw its way out.
    130520 Don't tell me those are your "employees". I never saw a waiter with that many legs before.
    130519 Before the Edsel, there was the Ford "Yenta", with a wheel for the back-seat driver. Extra horn optional.
    130519 Jackie Gleason tried to re-do "The Honeymooners" for guys who went both ways, if you know what I mean...
    130514 That Elvis is so polite!He asked me backstage to meet "Little Elvis". "Is that your son?" I asked. Everybody laughed...
    130514 A psychic told me that a show called "American Idol" will be a big hit, and I'd like to audition! "ooo bay-bee bay-bee"
    130513 Oh no. You've been sitting around reading the scale again. Time to go back to the clinic, Beatrice.
    130513 You can have that screen implanted in your stomach, but you still won't be a Teletubby, Nicole.
    130512 Ben Kingsley's daughter runs lines backstage for the high school's spring musical, "The Indira Gandhi Story".
    130512 Yes, Mary, we're a school for unwed mothers, you know. We've heard plenty of stories like that before.
    130512 So, you're applying for the opening for a child bride, is that correct?
    130511 Pa! That there new "Great Gatsby"'s got hip-hop music in it. An' that ain't right, Pa.
    130511 It--it's the tumbleweeds, Pa. They gits me all scared, like. I'd shoot 'em, but they jes blow away.
    130510 Nate Minskoff couldn't think why the tailor kept making that face. He was getting a lot for that bar mitzvah suit!
    130510 Sorry, but you're all wrong for "The Michael Jackson Story".
    130509 Hilda! I was robbed! They took my lower teeth!
    130509 Don't open that! The cartoonist didn't draw anything on the other side!
    130508 David Crosby relaxes in Las Vegas.
    130508 Did anyone bet The Abominable Snowman would show up in Atlantic City?
    130508 This is how we play hopscotch on the home planet!
    130506 The faster we compost the boat, the faster we get shore leave.
    130506 So, yesterday was garbage pickup. Think you can relax? Here's today's, fresh off the truck.
    130505 "I came as one of the Smith Brothers." "I came as Sig Ruhmann in 'A Night at the Opera'"!
    130505 I like it here. All the food has the subtle taste of hair.
    130504 On Britney's "Neck Brace" tour, she'll promote her "Weird Chess Set" CD. Chess is "weird" when you can't, like, play,'K?
    130503 I float cause I'm full of helium! See the stopper on my head?
    130502 Uhh, Grandma, we accidentally broke your spinach souffle.
    130502 Young Tim Gunn pouts. Brother Jim talks Gran through his art installation and the way cool popped collar goes ignored!
    130501 That think Grandma told you is true: your face WILL freeze "that way".
    130501 Oh, Gawd, please stop that kid from counting everything all the damn time!
    130430 Harry! Somebody broke in and wallpapered the furniture!
    130430 The flea circus was back in town, and practicing their opening act on the armchair and their landlady.
    130429 The small town had only heard of this bungee-jumping thing last week but they sure didn't want to feel left out.
    130429 New! Stepford Dispoz-a-Wife! Is your wife dull? Stained? Doesn't match the couch? Call us!
    130428 Hi, Mr. Werewolf, and, like, welcome to our school! We're selling these rilly bad wigs to raise money for new uniforms.
    130425 Darndest thing about recessive genes, but a gorgeous blonde mom and a fatso dark dad sometimes have 7-ft redheaded sons!
    130425 In "The Even Nuttier Professor", John Travolta is transformed into Gwyneth Paltrow! With Conan O'Brien in a cameo role.
    130424 Al, if you're gonna show up at the cook-out, at least bring potato salad.
    130424 So what happened to that guy who kept saying, "That's a knife!" --?
    130423 then the Jester said,'Your Majesty, why didst thy chicken cross the Royal Mile?' and PAAHHH!!-fell in the moat!..
    130423 Sir Biff and Lady Darla were a-wooing but just lately he wanted to get back to slaying dragons with the other guys.
    130421 Tell your people: make no more radio. Buy all radio from us.
    130421 Tokyo Rose took a coffee break, and for some reason the Japanese thought Dayton Annie would do just as well.
    130420 Before breaking into politics, Vladimir Lenin modeled for Minsky's Medical Supplies. Here, he's in a dashing lab coat.
    130420 Andy Williams had to fight his way out of The Williams Brothers quartet to go solo.
    130419 Well, I don't think he looks like a bird or a plane, but with legs like that why not wear the tights, that's what I say.
    130419 That's Trump's new building over there--no, that's Trump's ego, the building's to the left.
    130418 Varmint the Frog didn't have his uncle Kermit's good looks and traded on the Frog family name to get auditions.
    130418 Since that gekko made it big, everyone was looking for the next green sensation.
    130415 Gee wiz honey, sure glad you pulled your dress down in time!
    130415 Uh-oh, could the Veronica head tell that Archie was putting her on the Betty body?
    130414 We were expecting Batman, but we're sure your trapeze act is very interesting, Mr. Bat Guano.
    130414 Well, the arch-villian costume was at the cleaners.
    130414 The new Batman villian, Rush Limpboy,whipped off the wraps and stunned victims stiff with his ugly talk and ugly self.
    130410 She was having a makeover in Neiman's, and things were said--I don't know. She needs time. And cold cream.
    130409 So I pinned your socks together before I did the wash. Something wrong with that?
    130409 But Arthur, those ballerinas get the special shoes to dance on their toes, Arthur.
    130408 During the War, rationing took a toll on DC Comics. One "SMACK!" meant losing a whole balloon of dialog.
    130408 "SMACK!" aftershave, for the man with a kink!
    130407 You're gonna like him much better with Heidi Klum's legs.
    130407 But Doctor, all the Flemings are "innies". This is some kind of a terrible hoax!
    130406 I forget, after we clean up after the horses, what do we do with these hats?
    130406 That Dubya! Dude, it's "cow-boy". Not "cow-bell". Wanna ride back to the general store now?
    130328 Wonder Woman has a Hispanic counterpart. Trouble is, every time she rescues someone she gets deported.
    130327 She wanted her husband to put her on a pedestal. He wouldn't, so she attempted the climb herself, and broke her leg.
    130326 "No way, Phil. Jogging to work in gladiator costumes is way manlier than doubling up on a Harley. Just ignore them!"
    130326 The "Vespa! Vespa!"-"Pizza!Pizza!" campaign just wasn't taking off.
    130325 Mama! Olaf, he tries to walk his invisible elk again.
    130325 Two ways not to hurt yourself: 1. Falling out of a basement window. 2. Staying outside the noose.
    130324 Yeah. Cary Grant. That's who I look like.
    130324 Umm, no, it wasn't just a bad dream, and yes, I'm still here. Where do we get breakfast? It's your treat.
    130324 Awww. Playing hard to get. That's so cute.
    130323 Hey, look, you got it mad!
    130323 I think you almost invented the Lava Lamp.
    130323 Now put a little farmhouse in there, we got a picture for tomorrow's front page.
    130322 Don't worry. Sure, ladies go into the woods with him, but notice they always marry the other kind?
    130322 In "The Road to Fort Lee, NJ", Bob Hope schemes with Dorothy Lamour to sprain his lips and get sent home.
    130322 The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy got it straight from Tokyo Rose: the war was over! Wait'll he told Company B!
    130321 That's it. I'm getting the dart board one removed.
    130321 I KNOW, and they talk to me when the lights go out!
    130321 No, wait! The dame on my right arm? She's got what you call a "social disease". She doesn't know I know, so play dumb.
    130320 So, y'all Islam-ites in them there burqas, or you jes leper types?
    130320 My dermatologist said, "You'll thank me later", and she was right. Look at all those other wrinkly, spotty ghosts!
    130320 What's wrong, Joe? You're white as a sheet. You're not sick, are ya?
    130319 The Cousteau family tried out this new camera on Loan Sharks before photographing Hammerheads and Great Whites.
    130319 Well, no one could accuse her of taking dirty pictures.
    130319 It's nice to have a waterproof camera.
    130318 After Bam-Bam's agent got him more work, Bedrock started looking simply prehistorically DULL.
    130318 Tinkerbell had to struggle at Disneyland, but the Miss It's a Small World crown came with a Magic Kingdom scholarship.
    130318 So this king got a new wife who didn't tell him she was Jewish, she strong-armed him, and that's why we celebrate Purim.
    130317 Aw, please, Mom, don't complain. I had to tip the headwaiter 50 y*>~s to get a table with a view of the Crab Nebula!
    130317 "Inter-Galactic X Factor" isn't going so well. This ventriloquist act was voted off to a distant galaxy.
    130317 Natural childbirth on Planet ZblQ7 "Congratulations, Mr. Kl=/2b, you have a lovely baby crx^>j-pp!"
    130316 Nooo, THURSDAY is the day we sack and pillage! Now go and change.
    130316 Mr. Known World pageant contestants had to take impromptu questions on laying siege, beheadings, and concubines.
    130316 At one time, The Beatles considered "Asian Rulers Lonely Hearts Club Horde", but didn't like the costumes.
    130315 Whassamatter, ashamed of your own family?"
    130315 This was when Doc filed a harassment suit with the United Fictitious Mine Workers.
    130315 Cruise ships can't get good entertainers now, so you could be stuck with no a/c, no lights AND The Bathroom Bunch Revue!
    130314 The tribal craftwork is damned good and tired of getting ripped off by the white man.
    130314 Joan Miro, while preparing a show of his latest paintings, hits his thumb with a hammer.
    130314 If this happens to you at the salon, tell the manicurist to stop smacking her gum and disinfect the emery board already.
    130313 The latest thing is to wear the suit with the coat still on the hanger.
    130313 Mr. Clean takes odd jobs in department stores. Those cleaning jobs just don't buy enough tight shirts.
    130313 Under that double-breasted jacket are six midgets fighting to get out.
    130312 Just wait til we can afford color. Boy are you gonna see shiners! Blues, greens, eyes to dream about.
    130312 This is probably not the best time to say that all the guys think you wear that outfit much better than she does.
    130312 Olive Oyl was one of the first cartoon women to take a self-defense course. The spinach wasn't always handy, you know.
    130311 Taking a shortcut through "The Scream" was a bad idea. The museum guards can write tickets for exiting through the art.
    130311 I didn't even know Justin Bieber and Paris Hilton were an item! But the paparazzi caught up with them last night.
    130311 Oh, no, Archie! Miss Grundy wants you arrested for seducing the home economics dummy. She's only 14!
    130310 Sir Geoffrey had been replaced with his wax replica from Madame Tussaud's.
    130310 Father, this is no time to practice the hypnotism act, there's a fire over England!
    130310 This "dentistry" you speak of--'tis witchcraft!
    130309 Sure. Find the man who took your wallet and you get it back.
    130309 The new "Batman" villian: The Stumbling Blindfolded Guy! Watch him sue businesses all over Gotham City for --stuff!
    130309 The ABC Gang blindfolded all the guys who came to the hideout at The Schoolhouse for the first time.
    130308 Police Det. Smartass and his Sikh sidekick almost nab Bugsy McBugsy when Heaven drops a halo on Smartass, whap!
    130308 The Swami became senile in the middle of the event and began to play "ring toss" with the rest of the team.
    130308 Runners in the Marathon for the Oddly Dressed collect pledges to help the unfortunate with no sense of style.
    130307 Well,the big gray rat who crawled up on the table ate half, so it's only fair he pays for half.
    130307 Waiter? The bill? No, this looks like a notice from the Health Department.
    130307 He was short on cash and offered to return the poached salmon and asparagus tips.
    130306 Tips for getting a drink in your face, #726: "My friend and I made a bet about your bra. I say it's black. C'mon..."
    130306 Male menopause.
    130306 Sheez! You'd think the invitation to try out for a porn film might be a compliment! What is it with chicks?
    130305 I tried e-Harmony but I couldn't get any dates. I asked friends to set me up. Still nothing. What to do, I wondered...
    130305 The smoking-cessation program was tough, but highly successful, when participants actually lived through it.
    130305 Maybe next time you'll remember that trash goes out on Thursday. Your neighborhood association sent you a booklet.
    130304 We knew Father was losing his marbles when he drank the bottle of warm milk and gave his pipe to Baby Dimples.
    130304 That dang house wuz jes crawlin with the lil ones. Why, Gramps reached fer a hanky an there was lil Jake!
    130304 You've got to teach them when they're young, cause the dealers are everywhere.
    130303 The Gray Fedora Gang used to hold up Salvation Army stores and leave with all the double-breasted suits.
    130303 The sons Jimmy Cagney never talked about.
    130303 Well, screw Motown anyway!
    130302 What's my surprize? Didja get me one a them blow-up sexy ladies?
    130302 That salesman sure was good--he sold Uncle Hank aluminum siding for the house, the barn, and Aunt Rose too!
    130302 In later years, Jack Haley made a friend out of his Tin Man costume and used to talk to it about their days in Oz.
    130301 Son, someday when you're a miserable, smelly failure like your old man you'll be glad you can't afford therapy.
    130301 Times were tough, and Dad was reduced to farming in his pockets. This was bad for the crops; the apple tree went moldy.
    130301 Hey, there's a Glee club in an Unknown Public Domain! This week, their Kurt has a crush on the new tenor --a senior!
    130228 Oh yeah. Mohammed Ali taught his daughter to box.
    130228 This one time, Bill Haley and Little Richard got into it about who started rock and roll...
    130228 Poor Clark Kent. He's wandered into an "unknown public domain".
    130227 No diwwect twanswiptions of a Baba Wawa interwiew!! It's a weawwy impowtant wuwe!!
    130227 Dammit, how DOES Donald Trump get his hair to do that?
    130227 If you can't think of a good counter-argument, try hitting the paper with your fist.
    130226 How much to fill in the old sandtrap and dig a new one?
    130226 <sigh> I wish you'd called me. We're wearing the same shoes again!
    130226 Do you take your golf game with one lump, or 147?
    130225 That afternoon, the department sent out a team to find that place the boss said their heads were located.
    130225 Some men will do anything rather than admit their undies are chafing.
    130225 There are simply no excuses these days. ANYONE can fit in a yoga class!!
    130224 Harken to my song, It shall not take such a time. It be known as Ye Twiste and doth proceede suchlike..
    130224 Antonio di Liberace wowed the crowds with his flashy clothes as well as his flashy harpsichord tinkling.
    130224 Hark! Tis smoke! I fear, yea verily, once more the ghastly Fire Over England!
    130223 Yes, the Vatican's changing with the times! Does this mean we can talk about a nice gray pinstripe on the next Pontiff?
    130223 While still at the London School of Economics, Mick Jagger said it should be "I can't get ANY satisfaction".
    130223 Since we can't get rid of that darn werewolf, let's do "Annie" for the spring musical and cast him as Sandy!
    130222 The founder of New Hair Club for Men gets served with this week's lawsuits.
    130222 Mr. X, we've processed your passport application. Apparently you have no fingerprints, first name, or hair.
    130222 We'll get our best blank page reader on it right away, Officer.
    130221 The weather this afternoon: partly sunny with a chance of soup showers over 24th St.
    130221 Just because you tipped for an outside table doesn't guarantee a good outside table.
    130221 Tonight on "The Biggest Loser": anything the Black & White Team doesn't spill on the tightrope walk, they get to eat!
    130220 The man on the left has channeled the spirit of Isadora Duncan and is dancing in praise of burning oregano leaves.
    130220 The party was hot! Or the chili on the stove was burning. Whatever, it was the most excitement Teaneck, NJ had seen.
    130220 They won't be laughing when their cheap elbow deodorant quits on them! "El-BEAUX"! Don't smell like a party pooper!
    130219 It was 1966, and those parents shut down a Monkees concert so fast that Davy Jones left behind his red maracas.
    130219 ...and that was how the network cancelled "I Dream of Jeannie".
    130219 Real men bowl by tossing the pins at the balls.
    130218 Ah'm lookin' fer the man who shot my pa, an' made him into some kinda designer handbag.
    130218 See? Swords don't kill people. Crocodiles kill people! Got that, you pinko liberal Commie queers?
    130218 Ugh! Those alligators jumped off the shirts and went all Samurai! But only real Lacoste ones do it, so cuts are chic.
    130217 The men pondered just what it was to be fraternal triplets.
    130217 Actually, we found the werewolf months ago, but he's done wonders for the field hockey team! OK, he ate the captain.
    130216 In this remake of "Phantom of the Opera", Mickey Rooney tries to make a colouratura soprano out of Hugh Grant.
    130216 2035: Another Kardashian reality show. Bruce reads from his memoirs, Kris fits into a size 0 and Kim buries Husband #8.
    130216 On the Dumkopf Diet,you must listen to "The Folk Songs of New Jersey" daily. Sure to kill food cravings--see upper left!
    130215 He's in briefs. She's been wearing the same robe for over 100 years. Getting a reservation? Not on a Friday, anyway.
    130215 Well, the big guy said he liked heavy metal and French imports.
    130213 A little confusion about the meaning of "backhand".
    130213 This is why the Boy Scouts don't have a badge for tennis.
    130211 They tried to call a doctor after 4 hours but couldn't tap those itty bitty numbers.
    130211 Being one of the top sports fans in the country came at a terrible cost.
    130210 Honey, I refuse to sleep with you now that you've got a spiked head.
    130210 Yes! You too can learn to play Air Piano! Enroll now and get a photo of this man air-playing "Fur Elise"!
    130209 And another thing. Some guys just don't know how to wear a hat.
    130209 Never send a man to do an Avon Lady's job.
    130204 Privatizing NASA was a very bad idea.
    130204 It's Benny Craig's NEW weight-loss program!! Relax underwater, we send your meals through a tube! Amazing results!!
    130203 Ma'am, I don't care if you've only been here 10 minutes. Your horse is in a no-hitching zone with expired plates.
    130203 I called Alamo to rent a car. I don't care how the fighting's going in San Antonio.
    130202 Don't spread it around, but I hear the US authorized aid for French forces in northern Mali. Isn't that just dreamy?
    130202 I'm beginning to think "Guy" has a crush on one of us. What's with this giggle-place anyhow?
    130130 After Tom began exhibiting cranial quote marks, he had to go to a special school.
    130130 Archie won the Science Fair by making Reggie gain 500 lbs before the prom.
    130129 Lacoste figures, get 'em young and they're yours forever.
    130129 PBS dumps Barney for The Cajun Gator Chef. Looks like he an' Ratty-tooey's inspirin' right about -- NOW!
    130128 The new guy in the kitchen kept serving confetti, thrown from buckets, and making the rice vanish into thin air.
    130128 If a cream pie flies through the forest yet none hear it splat, what then is to be done with the seltzer bottle?
    130128 "Inner fulfillment" is not the same as "lunch with Ronald MacDonald". Even in the lotus position.
    130127 Nein! We all haf der yellow hair naturally! You vill ignore der vats of Fraulein Clairol. Ist requisitioned for cabaret.
    130127 Originally "The Producers" had a water ballet number at a Baden-Baden spa, with Soupy Sales in a mud bath.
    130125 Chuck Berry: the early days.
    130125 Well, go get one of Michael Jackson's other noses and then show me your Moonwalk.
    130125 Well, go get one of Michael Jackson's other noses and then show me your Moonwalk.
    130123 The "Etiquette for Wolves" class was not a success. Students gulped their food; also their napkins. And the waiters.
    130123 This nun taught me to fly with a big hatbrim, but she made me keep my legs crossed.
    130122 The Shouldersons couldn't send Biff off to State U without Grandpa's cardboard box!
    130122 They were an unattractive but extremely happy family with a fetish for overcoats.
    130122 Gee wiz! When Dad was Junior's age he'd had that same growth on his head. It was back here somewhere...Alice?
    130120 Paper Football,Part One: The Vision. next: Part Two: The Flaws.
    130120 Today's body hair is brought to you by the letter H.
    130119 Hey girls! Get Barbie's Niteclub! Where Ken leads the band while Barbie sings and snorts cocaine! Hours of fun!
    130119 There goes the dame who stole the end of your nose.
    130118 Boys who really like you will wait if you say,"I'm sorry, I have to do time next Friday and three more years."
    130118 Paul Henreid was all wrong for the part of Gidget's prom date, but he could work without Clearasil.
    130117 In the Navy, the food goes right to your feet.
    130117 Todd Palin says: if Alaska can't secede, at least Alaskans can become unsuitable for military service.
    130115 The Third Reich attempted to make mobile phones, but never learned not to text and bomb London @ the same time.
    130115 Jah, im Der Volksgym is required goose-stepping on all der treadmills!
    130112 This stapler does not work. And furthermore, it just called me a horse's ass.
    130112 Before "talkies", Walt Disney tried sending telegrams to the audience.
    130111 I pick up a little extra as a part-time alarm clock.
    130111 No, I have no idea why we're wearing the handles to the side now. I just try to stay fashionable.
    130111 Well, now my head gets the Home Shopping Network!- and is that "Downton Abbey" great or what?
    130110 "But Sir, last week was a very good year."
    130110 Sooner or later he would have to stand and reveal that he had a piano stool for legs.
    130110 At Chez Le Merde du Chein, the waiters can properly shame any diner who asks for ketchup.
    130109 Ingrid Svensdottir and her lesbian lover Sprlle spend the Icelandic summer days perfecting the fructose-powered Chevy.
    130108 My Lord, When shedded wheat is invented it shall resemble thine beard.
    130108 Somehow Lord Melchett got his mail, although there was some fire over England and no postal service.
    130106 You lookin for some cheese? Our boss, he runs the cheese racket around here. Pays off the cats with Meow Mix.
    130106 The "dirty rats" over at Jimmy Cagney's place.
    130105 HAIRSPRAY: A WONDROUS GIFT FROM GOD was usually kept under lock and key.
    130105 At one time Natalie Wood took a course in juvenile delinquency, in case the movie career didn't work out.
    130104 Farmer Brown's heifers did so well in the Q & A, the judges asked them back for the evening gown competition.
    130104 Final exam at the Hicksville Beauty School was Mud Packs.
    130103 Due to the daily ballet class on the deck of the USS Baryshnikov, Ens. Curtis often stood in first position.
    130103 Before he was famous on "Sesame Street", Burt joined the Navy and met the Loch Ness Monster.
    130102 Tell your mother the best way for her to get more diamonds is to squeeze some of these with her butt, for eons. OK?
    130102 You're right! That's exactly what Santa put in your stocking, and weren't you a lucky girl keeping warm on Christmas?
    130101 I always travel by balloon now. Sure,you can't take much hand luggage but you can keep shampoo in your pockets.
    121231 Dammit,he'll never make the team if that's his idea of "suiting up"!
    121231 That's the last time I bust out'a the slammer for that two-timing postman!
    121230 Be sure you really want that tattoo. You're going to have it forever.
    121230 This page is removed from textbooks throughout the American South.
    121230 The 2-faced Brontosaurus Queenbitch can still be sited in habitats such as the urban cocktail party.
    121229 After they harvested every strand to make weaves for Tyra Banks, they would dump the victim with a VISA debit card.
    121229 Some dudes just can't handle a Tequila Sunrise.
    121229 Dead Bald Guy has been a feature of the Sunday buffet when in season.
    121228 The boss's attitude was very bad for morale.
    121228 Thing, beloved by Gomez and Morticia Addams, had cousins who liked to travel.
    121227 To induce labor, the patient received Mountain Dew intravenously and after 9 hours became the father of a plastic egg.
    121227 But the couch had received genes from both a spider and a Venus Flytrap. After 2 days, Andy tried to stand up. Then--
    121226 Not many people know it, but Dick and Pat Nixon met during Prohibition making rotgut liquor. Livers failed; love grew.
    121226 She was a tough-talking dame. She lived hard, and made an eggnog that could drop a man in his tracks.
    121226 Go ahead and shoot. I won't live in a world where Justin Bieber smokes marijuana!
    121225 ..and so they were married in Vegas by a Santa impersonator. It was a 1-jingle-bell ceremony with 2 elves witnessing.
    121224 And Martians! Be sure to put one of your crockpot-hats in my bag for Dawnling; she's been a good girl, HO HO HO!
    121224 Not to complain, it WAS Christmas Eve, but didn't a tricycle through your head move you to the front of the line?
    121224 --but seriously, does the suit make me look fat?
    121223 Ask about our easy payment plan!-if you'd rather not get exposed on "Yoo Be Da Baby-daddy?"
    121223 This time of year you have to make reservations to get rooms overlooking the best freeway accidents.
    121222 Lois attempted a cover-up; Daddy was asleep on guard duty again.
    121222 --and if you tilt the visor just right, Ladies, you can use that shiny shield when you put on your lipstick!
    121220 Real men drink from hand grenades.
    121220 Razors! HAHAHA! Ain't no such thing. C'mon, whatch'all really do?
    121219 Don't mouth off to the waitstaff. You never know what they'll bring you when you ask for dessert.
    121219 Venus de Milo tried waiting tables but she always got fired after one shift.
    121217 Davy Jones' Locker is not some kind of old-time disco, Walker. Stop trying to take us there or lose your water-wings.
    121217 I don't care what some Village People told you, you're going below.
    121215 Capt. Vargas sketched the waitress. Surely painting her image on the bomber's nose required a few days out of combat.
    121215' if we're airsick, Mum, we leans over an' sicks it up on Germany, we does. We aim to win the war by any means.
    121214 The GOP called. Saddle up, they want us to drive a real big herd over a fiscal cliff.
    121214 Boys,lookee here. Got a prototype for some real big hands the fans can take to ball games.
    121213 Captain Kangaroo,deserted by his old friends, drank heavily and was often forcibly removed from the better restaurants.
    121213 are the alternate lyrics to "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". But please control yourself.
    121212 This stuff makes you go to the beach with a pretty lady and hold hands while you sit in two different bathtubs, wahoo!!!
    121212 We'll save Medicare MILLIONS if we stop printing labels on medicine bottles!
    121211 When addressing the rear end of a horse, it is customary to remove one's hat.
    121211 Bob Hope explaining How To Recognize a Meadow Muffin. He made this training film to beat a drunk driving rap.
    121210 For the Criminal Justice final, Greg acted out scenes from "Law and Order".
    121209 Did you know daisies make a great afternoon snack? Actually,they don't. Eat something else! Geez, you guys.
    121208 Hear that lil ole royal baby gon' come an rule my state once we secede. An after it's born. Til then we jes shoot.
    121208 Been sleepin with one eye open ever since I saw that there vampire movie. I was 18 years old yesterday.
    121206 Looks like you borrowed the hat from Sinatra and the face from DiMaggio. What a guy!
    121206 The Big Combo was playing and no one was admitted without a hat.
    121206 The Champ slipped in a puddle of Brylcreme and sprained his ankle.
    121205 -but today's Americans demand a/c, room for four adults, seat warmers and a CD player. It'll never sell.
    121205 Very good, Harrington! I see you're familiar with the "Look-Ma-No-Hands" technique.
    121204 The real story behind the end of Twinkies: Billy Roy who ate 12 and thought he could fly.
    121204 Junior creates a diversion so Pops can cut ahead in the line at the barber shop.
    121203 Something he saw on television. This writing where the letters connect to each other.
    121202 I'm working on a Frequent Flier program. See, that way I can earn extra miles and go visit the folks in San Diego.
    121202 Fashion tip for wildlife: Black makes you look thinner.
    121129 Our agent foils a plot to bombard the US with Hello Kitty toys,forcing unconditional surrender.
    121128 Your quit-smoking-surefire-guaranteed method rots! I'm up to 3 packs a day and Big Joe burns his nose re-lighting butts!
    121128 The First Lady wants to know, this Big Combo got something to do with cheeseburgers and fries? Start talking, fast.
    121127 Mitt Romney bought the B&O Railroad, shut it down and then lectured the unemployed conductors for being lazy.
    121126 The hairdresser did it.
    121126 The gang that kidnapped Justin Bieber, combed his hair and made him a nice dinner while Ella called her grandaughter.
    121125 Superman knew the editor was an alien when he saw him read the memo with the eyes on his fingers.
    121125 Meeting @ GigTrig HQ: "Let's plunder Fleischer's 'Superman' again and pretend we didn't! Got that down?
    121124 Permission to invent the fire escape,Your Majesty!
    121124 Hearing there was a fire over England, Sir Alan prepared to toast marshmallows for the Royal Family.
    121124 There's a knighthood in this for you. You're the only one who called the bleedin' fire department.
    121123 We fed this space alien lots of rancid leftover stuffing. Let's see who notices!
    121123 On this planet the V:)2z+%s wear the makeup and heels, and we don't like to share.
    121123 Damn! Forgot to set my head to record the game. Now Tracy, did you hide the manual again? <sigh> It's getting old, kid.
    121122 Gracias a Dios, Senor Rove he does not give thanks today to his evil god.
    121122 Baruch attah Adonai...
    121121 Charlie never recalled that morning without an odd, mysteriously dangerous smile.
    121121 Once you can read the paper while hovering in mid-air, you'll leave so much room under the desk for the farm animals.
    121121 One last Twinkie binge.
    121119 Janey was the one who always had Midol in her locker and everyone knew it.
    121119 Your very own teenager may be spreading BIEBER FEVER.
    121118 Debbie was beginning to suspect that Allen and Biff were keeping secrets from her.
    121118 Chin augmentation had given Lars a new and amusing speech impediment.
    121117 Politics in this town are so dirty they're guaranteed not to pass a white glove test.
    121117 Fleischer, Schmeischer, just watch the hell out for Superman.
    121116 Ann Coulter at her weekend job.
    121116 Tammy Bakker was my inspiration. Ask your daddy to tell you about her and buy you some mascara, hon. Wholesale.
    121115 To pay off student loans, Izzy rented himself out as furniture.
    121115 My agent says to finish my book ASAP--everyone's just dying to read about my affair with General Petraeus!
    121114 Didst I not see thee at the Queen's beheading? Prithee, I meant the most glorious afterparty.
    121114 Well as long as that damned fire's still burning, organise a marshmallow roast and a group sing. And bring my lute!
    121113 Kirstie Alley was living proof that even lots of Scientology sessions could not "audit" the pounds away.
    121113 Sports Illustrated Calendar,2013: Ugly Bathing Suit Edition.
    121111 OK, so Brad took his little sister to an R-rated movie! He made her stand on her head the whole time, OK?
    121110 Honorable Mother,do you mean you also are having an affair with the round-eye Petraus?
    121110 So you are actual human female woman! Please to introduce girlfriend I invent in laboratory. Maybe we make double-date!
    121109 A freight elevator is a wonderfully forward-thinking locale for a piano bar.
    121109 Yeah, Streisand's been called a lot of things, but she never gave in to the pressure to have a nose job.
    121108 Russell Brand got a complete makeover! Got a crewcut and shave; tossed the hippie clothes; now he's a Mormon w/ 2 wives!
    121108 Umm-hello? You folks didn't need to cut Gov. Romney into all those pieces. The voting machines worked after all!
    121107 Can't hear you,dude! I just got CABLE-HEAD and it's streaming Bieber fever!
    121107 I'm never late to the party with my new ALARM-HEAD!! (TM)
    121107 Karl Rove? You just missed him. He took off for the home planet after he said that thing about Ohio.
    121106 Sarah Palin selects new running mate, re-enters politics.
    121106 Karl Rove blames this guy's looks on the Democrats.
    121106 They ran from the Scientologists--straight into the arms of the Moonies! No shopping mall entrance is safe!
    121105 Pat Robertson warned that gay marriage would lead to this.
    121105 Alternative methods of childbirth, #726: scaring the unborn out of the womb. Also known as the "BOO!!" method.
    121105 Dr. Phil's not allowed to make house calls anymore.
    121104 The singing telegram was sure to be a hit, once the regular kind was invented.
    121104 Ach du Lieber! I have invented Country und Western music!
    121104 Dawg!That was pitchy, Dawg, but you changed it up and made it your own! Which don't mean the same as "Good", Dawg.
    121103 Wilbur said a little prayer for Mr. Ed.
    121103 Son, when I was alive I was Walter Cronkite. America trusted me. Then the Zombies ate the brains at FOX...
    121103 I've got every one of the Zombies ready to cast a write-in vote for Big Bird.
    121102 Sure, it's affordable, but do you really want to go to PlasticSurgeons R Us ?
    121102 Word got out fast when Rhiannha wasn't seeing Chris Brown.
    121031 Well, it takes your attention away from his big ears.
    121031 Daggers are being worn close to the ear this season.
    121030 Wayne Newton realized he'd never have another hit song with a catchy German title.
    121030 A sulky Biff on the "Back To The Future" set, after he saw the future and he wasn't in the movies there.
    121029 They're making book on Mitt's hair moving in the hurricane.
    121029 Every time 'e 'as a few 'e says 'e was the one what introduced that Ray Davies to our Lola.
    121028 Kiss my unknown public domain,you fool!
    121028 What a strange place to keep a bag of pistachios.
    121028 It's the new air freshener you tie on your cat!
    121027 Katy Perry and Micheal Stipe were forced at gunpoint to sing with Kathie Lee on her morning show.
    121027 Yep, Clint Eastwood was talking to the furniture again.
    121027 So THAT'S Mormon underwear.
    121026 At last! The Museum of Gout HAS to admit, this is a beaut!
    121026 Ludvig attempts to goose-step while he creates photojournalism on goose-stepping, to save time.
    121025 Carroll O'Connor led a cast of thousands through "Hurray For Bigots!", which closed out of town.
    121024 Sir Cedrick enjoys a recent gift from Merlin's Magicke Bagge,discreetly concealed by his cloak.
    121024 Sir Mitt doth possess the oddest underclothes. Marry, he fancies them bewitched!
    121024 You mean there's STILL a fire over England? No way!
    121022 In "The Magic Mormon Underwear Mystery", Holmes reads the washing instructions on the huge itchy tags. "Pixie dust?"
    121022 In "The Magic Mormon Underwear Mystery", Holmes reads the washing instructions on the huge itchy tags. "Pixie dust?"
    121022 Indeed,Holmes,those Yanks seem quite upset about our partnership.Excepting NY,DC and VT of course.
    121022 Indeed,Holmes,those Yanks seem quite upset about our partnership.Excepting NY,DC and VT of course.
    121021 Well,at least Ferd could truly say he'd slept with both Michael and Farrah.
    121021 Michael Jackson wanted to be one of Charlie's Angels. It might've happened, but he kept grabbing his crotch, not a gun.
    121021 Rod tried to copy the hairstyles of his idols,but his hair quit on him.
    121020 Heinrich knew he should arrest the Teddy Roosevelt impersonator,but a strange longing prevented him.
    121020 The new,updated version of "Clue" includes racial mass murder.
    121020 Thinks:if I find Captain Spaulding, I'll suggest staying in the jungle til further notice.
    121019 The Olsen twins bring out their new "International Terrorist" collection. Bombs sold seperately.
    121019 Two women Romney labels "bad influences".If elected he promises to ban public coffee drinking.
    121019 Two women Romney labels "bad influences".If elected he promises to ban public coffee drinking.
    121019 I must wear this hollowed-out boulder on my head to show submission.
    121018 Are you really short? Are you having a bad hair day? Try new Pantene For Dwarves!
    121018 If you liked the "Happy Face", betcha gonna love the "Duh" face.
    121018 If you liked the "Happy Face", betcha gonna love the "Duh" face.
    121018 Mayor Bloomberg cracked down on the Supersize Pepperoni with every little greasy bit sewn on!
    121017 It's that guy who sang "Sukiyaki"! Call Grandma-san!
    121017 It's that guy who sang "Sukiyaki"! Call Grandma-san!
    121017 Please to enter,Honorable Father has left teeth in moo shu pork!
    121017 Kathie Lee touring sweatshop? Please,please, must kill right away now!
    121016 Cover for me, I've gotta go be Baby's older sister in "Dirty Dancing".
    121016 In "The Mystery of the Ugly School Uniforms", Nancy Drew resolves to get into a series with a better clothes allowance.
    121016 The Spice Girls actually met up in reform school. Here, Posh and Sporty plan a knife fight with Boy George.
    121015 2025: Justin Bieber pitching ideas for a Comeback Tour.
    121015 Carl dressed as Mark Phelps for the office Halloween party--and got the day wrong.
    121015 Torso Toupees! No one misses the hair up there,not when you're sporting 1 or 2 of our finest products! 100% squirrel.
    121014 For the "Frasier" reunion special, Frasier and Lilith re-marry, causing Niles to bite off his own arm.
    121014 I said NO to the ladder motif !! Ladders are SO over !!
    121014 You--YOU put Nair in Mr. Candy's shampoo!
    121013 Come on out an' explain cavemen packin' heat to them Intelleegint Dee-zyne fellers, you dadgum %^&@!! you !!
    121013 He didn't know if there was a saber-toothed tiger in there, or a symphony orchestra. But he was ready for either one.
    121013 The early days of laser-eye surgery.
    121012 I dunno, who got Steven Tyler to sing the national anthem?
    121012 Did either of you see where the fortune went? Awww...
    121012 By the end of The Hunger Games,Max was enjoying almost anything with a little mustard.
    121011 Dumb clown,trying to Moonwalk with TWO gloves.
    121011 DeVito and Pearlman, before they lost the magic.
    121011 DeVito and Pearlman, before they lost the magic.
    121011 Rush Limbaugh will have plenty to say to the Dittoheads about tonight's debate.
    121010 Unsanitary manicurists had left Frank with just one pinky nail--but it had the strength of ten. With acrylic tips!
    121010 Who ordered the caramel decaf skim milk latte, no foam?
    121010 Okay, this'll keep Romney's hair shellacked till the election.
    121008 Even a Charlie Chan impersonator could see the new bank teller needed watching.
    121008 That Shelly Berman-- he'd do his stand-up act anywhere.
    121007 Work stops at the Transylvania High senior occult lab when the Dean morphs into a barn owl and hunts for mice.
    121007 We've converted Romney's car elevator to Section 8 housing.Let's see if Ann notices...
    121007 see, we found affordable housing downtown.
    121006 you didn't think justin bieber did his own puking at rehearsals,did you-- stars have people to do that for them.
    121006 jenny craig is actually kurt putzkopf, former ss officer, shown here testing the program on a ukranian p.o.w.
    121005 It didn't work but it did make Rudolfo consider plastic surgery.
    121005 Before singing telegrams, Western Union messengers used to just holler at people.
    121005 Herr Saxe experimented, refining his "saxophone".
    121003 sir dino and joey the bishop of ye packe of rattes.
    121002 the tea party isn't what it used to be.
    121002 i've seen captain kangaroo.
    121002 -you should've thought of that before you had your fun.
    120915 Your lips tell me "no-no", but --well, your eyes are doing sort of a pinwheel thing and your pulse is weak. Oh, ick.
    120915 "Glee" used to have that effect on me, too. Corky? There's no such place as Lima, Ohio!
    120915 Rev. Moon actually started his cult in 1890. Sadly, John Barrymore loved one of the 1st "Moonies" to no avail.
    120909 America needs you, Hare-y Truman. What? Well, change parties, or I'll--you want me to WHAT?
    120909 Now here's someone who can explain the Republican platform on affordable housing...
    120904 Well it's the best I can do since our DISH receiver went down.
    120904 Be glad you don't work for the Romney campaign. Nothing stronger than herbal tea brewing inthe pot-heads over there!
    120904 We don't get coffee breaks anymore. We wear the pots on our heads and connect IVs straight to the jugular vein.
    120903 You better not be trying to hold my hand, either!
    120903 Gee, I dunno, Freddy. Why do you think no one plays nice with the President here in Republicanland?
    120903 So why do YOU think Obama's not in this picture?
    120825 Honey, since you admitted to wearing my clothes I feel we're closer. So I can ask you to help with the damn dishes.
    120825 Same-sex marriage was finally legal on Planet Sspppi%, after a long messy court struggle as they had 7 or 8 sexes.
    120821 Simon and Garfunkel had bitter fights, in any era.
    120821 Returning from the war without legs,Sir Clive must fight the receptionist from "The Bob Newhart Show" for new ones.
    120821 T'was said that Arthur of Murray could teach any to dance. Mayhap a witch hexed Sir Nigel of the Two Lefte Feete.
    120806 You know, even if we lose the war, Das Americans will still eat our lumpy food mit all der fat und gristle.
    120806 Finalists @ The Village People auditions. "At Der Stalag" didn't portray the right image, but these guys were so butch!
    120806 Backstage @ "The Sound of Music": Suuurre, she's 16 going on 17. A lil more schnapps, Fritzie? Now go kiss a nun.
    120731 Another heat wave? Why not COOK DINNER ON YOUR HEAD?!Call 1-800-POT-HEAD for the slow cooker you can wear!
    120731 Outtakes from the "Band on the Run" cover shoot: The Frito Bandito, Harry Shearer, and Marty Feldman,SCUBA-jailbreaking.
    120731 One of the Bee Gees' first gigs, entertaining a Royal Navy submarine crew. Oops, looks like Barry's just met a lobster!
    120730 Someday, my leetle jalapeno, we get revenge on dee Yanquis for takeeng dees land! Until den dee salsa es muy caliente!
    120730 How do you tell Dad you're so hung-over, just LOOKING at the pizza topping list at Penny's Sloppy Pie Shop gets you ill?
    120730 J-Lo made a bad move, leaving "Idol". Endorsing cheap jewelry ruined her looks. She was lucky to work lounges in Reno.
    120729 "Idiot! I wanted to look like Mary Pickford but you let the curling iron overheat!"
    120729 Zach Galifianakis, Kevin James,and Vince Vaughn just finished lunch. I gotta do the dishes. Flog me if I wilt."
    120729 "It's for you. It's Harpo Marx."
    120728 Here are Casper's not-so-friendly cousins. They scare kids who like to pee in community center pools.
    120728 Vamper the reindeer was suffering from a severe case of mange, and had to be quarantined.
    120728 The HotPoint Gas Flames were headed to NYC for a comeback when their car broke down in Montclair, NJ.
    120727 "Fire over Blighty, eh? No need to be glum, chums--we'll SING! 'Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile..'"
    120727 There was fire over England, and soon there was fire in the Duchess' hair as well.
    120727 "Gawd I wish someone would invent the underwire bra!"
    120726 "Honey, I tried selling it as fertilizer, but look what happened to the grass! BWAHAHAHA! Let's wax your chest tonight!"
    120726 For the fall, Oscar de la Mierda sees big clown bow ties and big clown feet. He's "loco" for that Bozo look! We are too!
    120726 "Hi-dee-hi-dee-hi! This stuff'll get you HIGH-dee-HIGH-dee-HIGH! I sell this hooch to Minnie the Moocher!"
    120725 "ANOTHER marriage proposal? Think it's the uniform? It makes George over there go all swoony."
    120725 The Commissioner's toupee is missing? Hey Joe, you take that thing for a walk? HARHARHAR say what? Quicher kidding, Joe-
    120725 The rookie was a nice kid. Just--every time the guys were stumped, he'd start making suggestions from "Detective Comix".
    120724 "Don't you guys knock? The colorists haven't finished with me. Go wait in the next scene."
    120724 "Esto hombre es el famoso Groucho Marx?"
    120724 "Yes, I saw the NO SMOKING signs, but I'm here to do FDR impressions."
    120723 "..and the miso soup, 2 California rolls, and--say, you get fresh octopus in El Paso?"
    120723 "Lissen here, Clem. The star decal an the black hats ain't enough for us to pass for them Brooklyn rabbis. Think,boy!"
    120723 "Uhh, yep, we're doin' the GigTrig thang with the Ouija board. Spirit comin' through! Over and out."
    120722 Notice her hair stays perfect under even the deadliest circumstances? Try GLOPPEE hairgel! Your style's safe with us!
    120722 This is what happens if you don't get to the airport 8 hours before takeoff time and let Security totally grope you.
    120722 Endorsements at the London Olympics are beyond belief! Here's a gymnast in head-to-toe Prada, attempting her routine!
    120721 "'Stick it up your ass', hey, good one! By the way, once the moon comes up, I'm a werewolf. Just so you know!"
    120721 "Is this a finger on my hand or am I just glad to see you? Oh, $%&!! I mean, is that a pocket in my coat--wait, I mean-"
    120721 Walt Disney giving some very personal direction to Hayley Mills on the unfinished "That Darn Brigitte Bardot!"
    120720 "That coat is just divine, dear. IF you want to look like a young Groucho! Please! I refuse to go anywhere with you!"
    120720 Dr. Caligari was always leaving his man-bag in the cabinet.
    120720 "I'm auditioning for the lead in 'Toad of Toad Hall'. I've got the face for it, don't you know."
    120719 "I say, Reece--you've invented the first Piece!"
    120719 Mitt Romney fired most of the design committee and downsized the Olympic gold medals. The savings went to the Caymans.
    120719 Hey, golden eggs are fun. Just don't try to pay your bar tab with 'em. The exchange rate is terrible.
    120718 Gepetto made some more stuff when Pinnochio didn't feel like painting the house.
    120718 With two of the kids in school, Marge Simpson did a little modeling now and then.
    120718 You think "Now appearing at The Blue Room" sounds better than "Now Appearing at The Kinda-Looks-Like-a-Creamsicle-Room"?
    120717 "Well, what do you expect when you eat a sourball this big?"
    120717 "You don't know what it's like to play the concertina. It's the best damn feeling in the world, that's what it is!"
    120717 While the catcher brags,Joe DiMaggio daydreams of coffee makers yet to be.
    120716 Before the Jolly Green Giant, Birdseye tried the Happy Blue Person with a Gland Problem. His creator was quickly fired.
    120716 The Monopoly Man fell on hard times after the Crash. Here he searches for dropped coins on a very Blue Monday in 1931.
    120716 Poor Elmer Fudd! He'd followed that wascally wabbit into Pepperland and Bwoo Meanies were attacking! Wook out ev'wybody!
    120715 "Hey! You can dress retro from any era and look ugly, ya big Stupid! So the 90s was bad. Lookit Ms 70s Hippie there!"
    120715 Peter Pan told the people to clap their hands and save the fairies! Too bad this was a bunch of major homophobes.
    120715 Sharon Stone defending herself from tabloid reporters who printed that she has never worn underwear in her life.
    120714 "Got a little place back at the garbage can. Care to join me for half an Oreo?"
    120714 Definitely the new place for flies to have a drink and meet other flies, with a great view of the sink!
    120714 "Flight 1230, you'll have to keep circling the tower til the others have finished re-fueling, do you read me?"
    120713 If you want breakfast, put on the Carmen Miranda suit. We all look alike to the tourists.
    120713 When the Gringo Ernesto Hemingway comes from his hotel, we will tell him we are the macho men of Havana. Yes, even you.
    120713 Peter O'Toole woke up hung-over and wondering why Desi Arnaz Sr. was singing a song about a cockroach.
    120712 We've replaced all the peasants' clothing with long underwear. Let's see who notices!
    120712 The grand opening of "Turkey Legs Flambe 2 Go!" dissolved into a riot when a vat of gravy exploded.
    120712 It was the 4th day after the big storm and still no power! Things were getting ugly in the Land of Make Believe.
    120711 The great detective woke to find his toupee missing. As was Watson. But Watson's brown suit contained a certain Mario.
    120711 Holmes waited politely as his spy delivered the news in the form of a popular song medley.
    120711 Coming soon: "The Case of the Crummy Cagney Impersonator"! At your local theaters!
    120710 VOGUE's latest issue features the new black & blue look, chic yet sickly.
    120710 In Margaret Hamilton's 1st screen test for the Wicked Witch role, she was blue, and wore a man's suit. No one knows why.
    120710 Back in those days, we knew the meaning of the blues. Navy, teal,turquoise-we knew'em all, kid, and we were great.
    120709 "Well, I always describe myself as someone with a terrific smile!"
    120709 You mean, EVERYBODY gets Obamacare?
    120709 Kim Kardashian gets ready for her morning makeup routine.
    120708 "My friend the dish here is running away with a darling little spoon. More ale for me, and a hot water and soap for him.
    120708 Nothing at The Olde Pigge and Turde looked safe to eat, so they drank a bottle of Aunt Jemima's pancake syrup together.
    120707 The mirror had been on strike for two days now.
    120707 "What's this? One of my virgin sisters has just given birth! It's a miracle!"
    120707 Jimmy Durante started out young,as part of the family act.
    120706 "Do not tell me you made this in the Year of the Snake! This reeks from the Year of the Rat!"
    120706 Meanwhile, in Happy Lotus Golden Dragon Factory, Ling and Chan concoct bucket of glue for next ton of WalMart chairs.
    120706 "That's funny, you don't look Jewish."
    120705 "The black contact lenses and eye makeup; is that a fashion statement or just plain devil worship?"
    120705 "Cable television is a mighty big responsibility, son. Are you sure you're man enough?"
    120705 "My English much better is now, please I can marry Kardashian lady?"
    120704 Ever notice how you never see Clark Kent and Stan Smith in the same room?
    120704 Clark Kent spotted Superman's Carnival counterpart, El Hombre Fabuloso.
    120704 Tom Cruise AND his ego rode in the same helicopter to the movie premiere!
    120703 "I need to chat with the werewolf. Why don't you take a nap in the crypt? You look like you haven't seen a ghost."
    120703 "Our new designer, Jacques Filth, works mostly with old bedsprings and things he finds in dumpsters. So daring!"
    120703 "Well, I can see why you call it the Econo-Lodge."
    120702 It's the world's smallest manicurist! Break a nail? Take him anywhere for on-the-spot repairs! Complete w/ travel case!
    120702 The Ritz, Hilton, and Trump chains are admitting to a new infestation. These pests don't bite but they do steal jewelry.
    120702 Yes, the rumors are true: Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from Tom Cruise.
    120701 "I'm the kid's manager, and I say the time is right for a Frankie Avalon impersonator to clean up in this town."
    120701 "LBJ shoulda gone easy on Jerry Ford. Walking and chewing gum at the same time: you ever try it? Hey, be careful!"
    120701 "We need some Adult Education. Teach us to tie a Windsor knot,will ya? Do it slow, my hat's on real tight."
    120629 "If you're going out there as Cindy Crawford, the mole has to be closer to your upper lip, Jeff."
    120629 "Afraid an extra close shave won't do it, Biff. You're just too old to stay here at Penn State."
    120629 Then one day, Ed Asner caught Mary Tyler Moore backstage before she had her makeup done...
    120628 The Crappytown Community Band never knew what to do once it ran out of real instruments and had to improvise.
    120628 For a small fee, the judge waived the trial and just banged the gavel, I mean, AX, read the sentence and killed the guy.
    120628 I hear tell the Pony Express wants to cut out them Saturday deliveries. Saves a bundle fightin Injuns jes 5 days a week.
    120627 After Luigi installed the booth there, you could park, make a hit, get blackmail prints made, for a very reasonable fee!
    120627 Back when the neighborhood was restricted, Sammy disguised his kosher hot dog stand.
    120627 Are you a rodent? Do you have a safe driving record? Then see how much you can save at Big E's Famous Parking!
    120626 "Say goodbye to your Earth fans, Kathie Lee. The nice alien is taking you to his home planet. You can sing there, OK?"
    120626 "AAIIEE!! The walls are so thin, a Peeping Tom can watch us act out our bizarre fantasies!"
    120626 Cherry Ames, Student Nurse, 1955: " You're in the wrong era for anorexia, hon. We gotta get some saturated fats in you!"
    120625 "Charades" got ugly fast when "The Scream" attacked "The Thinker" who didn't know much about art but he knew thinking.
    120625 Not all Smurfs can be in the videos. Especially Coachy Smurf. There's this lawsuit--well, it's a long story.
    120625 The Masks of Comedy and Tragedy: behind the scenes, it ain't all Shakespeare, know what I mean?
    120624 The new chef's Pasta Primavera was having an unusual effect on the customers.
    120624 "We're so glad you let us set you up on this blind date! Her name is Fljrx and she lives on Saturn!"
    120624 "That's Nessie in the shower stall. Best not to disturb her while she's conditioning her scales."
    120623 "See that babe on the screen? That's the Boopster, kid. Betty Boop. Learn from her, you'll be a big star in 2nd grade."
    120623 "You notice they keep saying 'A Max Fleischer cartoon' instead of 'Fleischer's Superman'? Wazzup with that?"
    120623 "Someday Walt Disney will create 'It's a Small World After All' and employ us stunted people with peanut-shaped heads!"
    120622 "Watson! I have just been informed you are also employed by Harrod's as a shop window mannequin!"
    120622 "Extraordinary books from America, Watson. It seems there are a variety of shades of grey to be catalogued."
    120622 "Inform the President of Hair Club For Men that he is about to meet the Hound of the Baskervilles."
    120621 Jack dropped acid and wrote the script for the Monkees' movie.It was months till people stopped running away from him.
    120621 "Which is it gonna be, Jack Nicholson imitations or blonde jokes?"
    120621 ..such animal magnetism...but, is that dandruff? No, it's mange. The moon is full, you can see--WHAT? AAAIIEEE!!!
    120620 Vampires make better anchors on the late news: they can stay in the crypt past sundown and grab a blood before airtime.
    120620 "Attn Americans: pandering to your geographical ignorance, the map behind me is all blurry. Is that Nigeria? Who knows?"
    120620 Mister Rogers had an evil twin who had plans to dominate the neighborhood. Here he advises Friday XIII to abdicate.
    120619 Aliens from Planet Coppertone search for the "tanning mom". Goal: exchange intelligence, ride flying saucer back home.
    120619 Chico Marx often traveled around LA in a large silver bowl, which amazed the local sumo wrestlers.
    120619 The butchest babes on the block wear DIESEL DYKE lip gloss. New! from easy, breezy, lesbian Cover Girl.
    120618 "FYI, human brains are found here. Unless the subject is a member of the Tea Party, in which case, check the posterior."
    120618 Alice Cooper has an amazing makeup artist. The guy works magic, I tell ya.
    120618 Since Michael Phelps started smoking like the rock stars, he wants to come out to the pool like one of them, too.
    120617 It's the PBS bi-monthly pledge drive!! For a donation of just $10,000, get a copy of the piece of paper seen here!!
    120617 Shakespeare,I sought from thee a tale:'Majesty, twas an amusing thing occurred on my way to Parliament'.No mad kings.
    120617 Immovable hair went back many many years in the Romney family, and the magic spell was not often shared.
    120617 "My coat has a built-in chair. Of course, walking is difficult."
    120616 "In the jungle, the mighty you do the 'o-wim-o-wey' part--we'll be a smash at the concert party!"
    120616 "You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din! What? Well, bring Mr. Din to the phone, will you?"
    120616 "Damn and blast, I want to read for the part of Captain Spaulding! Can't have the Jews taking over Hollywood!"
    120615 "Noah here ain't so tough. He just forgets which way the saddle horn goes some of the time."
    120615 Ralph Lauren suggests grimy plaids this season.
    120615 "Gather round, boys. Steve Harvey needs some more advice for that there new book a his."
    120614 After Barbie dumped Ken, he started making extra-long chopsticks.
    120614 "If you're here about a heart-shaped swimming pool, talk to me!"
    120614 Jane Seymour's latest "open heart" jewelry caused fainting and stomach upsets at the mall.
    120614 Hallmark's new line of valentines was shockingly graphic.
    120613 Tyler, you see the men coming from that rocket ship? Stay away from them. They were 'coaches' on your home planet."
    120613 "Very good, Becky! That IS the planet where the beauty pageant mommies come from!"
    120613 "Mr. Weirdo, the picture's so much better when you stand in the corner. We'll tell you what Dr. Oz said about kidneys."
    120612 Clarence Thomas has a past he doesn't care to discuss.
    120612 Naomi Campbell was going to interview new assistants the next day, as sure as she could hit a target with a cell phone.
    120612 It was early in Ru Paul's career, and not everyone was hip.
    120611 I am NOT creating a Facebook account for this.
    120611 Donald Trump started breeding penguins.
    120611 Betcha can't even tell it's a piece, right?
    120610 When you see a cactus boot-scootin' @ the fiesta, ask yourself if maybe you've had too much tequila.
    120610 Izzy the Kosher Dill never moved a lot of pickles in Texas, but everyone said he was a heckuva dancer.
    120610 Gumby only did this one cause he seriously needed the money. 3 ex-wives and a Palimony suit,you know.
    120609 I'm familiar with the condition. Appalling lack of wit, preoccupation with body functions. It's called Turfwhispering.
    120609 I don't smoke, I just think the pipe makes people think I'm smart.
    120609 On the bright side, if the world ends in December, we won't have to hear from Dr. Oz anymore.
    120609 I don't think it went far enough in Wisconsin. I'd still like to see all union members flogged in public.
    120608 This dude Turfwhisperer in here keeps pointing and laughing. Then he talks about poop. Somebody get me outa here!
    120608 You gotta understand,I had it rough. Our cave was in a bad neighborhood.
    120608 "The DA showed the jury a cave painting of me stealing the first wheel."
    120608 "OK, but at least I've got a river view.Still, drapes and a carpet would make the place cozy, don't you think?
    120607 Ice cream vendors are going for a more upscale look this season.
    120607 "OK boys, you close the 1st half, and if you forget your lines, I wrote them on Sam's fingernails."
    120607 Bing fumed. The studio had sliced the budget for "The Road to WalMart".Bob Hope was out, Moe Howard was in.
    120606 Of all the themes suggested for Charlie's bar mitzvah, "poor Mexican pueblo" had to be the worst.
    120606 The Romneys felt it best that their gardener retire ASAP.
    120606 "Dios mio! Living in the Alamo has given me a most wonderful idea for a chain of restaurants!"
    120605 "Look, I think the two of you are adorable, but if Romney wins you're in big trouble."
    120605 Your friend the innkeeper wanted him to decide: "Tastes Great" or "Less Filling"? Well, I hope you're happy!
    120605 But Father, he took no notice of me until I cursed him with the pox and set his house aflame.
    120604 "Everybody comes in here. Do you know what I had to tip the spoon? Oh yeah, I told him you were Drew Carey."
    120604 "Relax, guys. We'll have a nice hot soak before dinner."
    120604 Carrot Top has his fans, but no one's ever accused him of being a sophisticated type.
    120603 Za#rn%kq thought his human beatnik disguise was perfected but he never could control his antennae around superb xhoo?P.
    120603 Debby Reynolds stars in "Land of the Jews". Here she answers the musical question, "Are You Tough Enough For Rye Bread?"
    120603 Olivia let it slip out that John takes his hair off at night, hahaha, then forgot all about it til she saw the tabloids.
    120602 The International Overly-Optimistic Alpen Climbers brought along NO specialized equipment!
    120602 The old stoner counselors at Camp Liomadolly never got tired of the campfire skit about buying the world a Coke.
    120602 Happy Holidays from the Jolie-Pitts, Christmas 2020!!
    120601 "And these are the pants that were too tight before I tried the Loco Hombre All-Tequila Diet!"
    120601 Wyatt's imitation of his Aunt Maud in her petticoats was just a little too good, if you know what I mean.
    120601 That's one hell of a Funky Chicken dance, and I'll be damn proud to buy you a drink.
    120531 Klaus! The BBC reports our Fuhrer is missing one testicle und the other is in their Albert Hall!
    120531 The Streisand Film Festival is cancelled.
    120531 Nein, it is just young Rolf, ach, he makes with the singing und the telegrams to the von Trapps like a big sissy.
    120530 The professor was determined to invent some protection. No one was safe from amateur drinkers after sundown.
    120530 Bartholomew & the Oobleck, Pt II: Bartholomew's Pre-Packaged Liquid Diet Shakes.
    120530 Trickle-down Economics: A Beginner's Guide.
    120529 You save so much when you travel business class, but how many Earth-days before your neck un-kinks?
    120529 When the circus arrives on the planet Gliirq/, the clown cars are always a big hit.
    120529 DEVO tries for a comeback.
    120528 They'll surrender that there Chi-Chi's all right, once they run outa kosher salt for Margaritas, hehheh.
    120528 Boys, if y'all play "Hava Nagila" it's got to be done so's everybody can do the Texas 2-Step with it.
    120528 This looks like a job for The Lone Rabbi! Quick, find 10 Jewish men for a minyan!
    120527 "No, I'm Candice Bergen. Murphy Brown had that baby. Not ME. Jeez."
    120527 "Good cop-bad cop" doesn't mean you cross your eyes and act stupid, Morrie.
    120527 Before "Cagney and Lacey", the network tried "Cagney and Durante".
    120526 Which girl has stolen my copy of "50 Shades of Gray?"--which I am translating into Mandarin for the mental exercise."
    120526 5 demerits for sleepwalking during my lecture on the dangers of Bing Crosby's music, Miss Owens.
    120526 Some bitch from Kansas dropped a house on my sister!
    120523 I regret to inform you, I found no proof of Bain job creation. Please submit my fee in pounds sterling old money.
    120523 This is a prescription for the special tobacco I require. Now stop sniffing it and fetch me enormous quantities.
    120523 In "The Cholesterol Case", Paula Deen time-travels with her recipes for deep-fried pork parts, sure to kill instantly.
    120522 Before "Magnum PI" was a hit, Tom Selleck was a stand-in for a Great Dane in those pictures of poker-playing dogs.
    120522 And so the 3rd Reich planned to bomb the Albert Hall and retrieve a bit of Hitler which gave the Brits much amusement.
    120522 Alfie Two Times said he didn't know nothing about this Mr. Peanut guy's dissapearance and this was getting annoying.
    120521 You realize an advanced technology's gonna replace all this someday. Like papyrus.
    120521 I'm here for my "before" picture. I'm going in for caps and a tusk job next week.
    120521 Do you do bar mitzvahs? Wonderful. How are you for the 25th next month? We booked a cave with a view of the tar pits.
    120520 Riccardo, please soothe the rebels with a song. Then my guards can round them up and I'll have a nice nap.
    120520 My rank grants me a rare view of the beheadings.
    120520 And so Mitt and Ann lulled the voters to sleep, and took everyone far into the past as they dreamed of tax loopholes.
    120519 The GW Bush White House had a limo just like this one.
    120519 The Ford Tandem came from the same designers who gave the world the Edsel. It had a TV and wet bar in the front seat.
    120519 Ernest Borgnine only took the part because he really needed the money. And he got to keep the shoes.
    120518 Yes, I'm auditioning for the part of Wiggles the Performing Seal. OK if I just sign in with an "X"?
    120518 No, I hate SPOO Soapsuds, but I'll sign your petition if I get to use that extra-long pen!
    120518 Uhh, sure, Maestro. The fairy orchestra in the brambles needs to take it from--there. Do they have your pills, too?
    120518 Here's the schedule of fines for ripping off famous comics. Lessee, Marx Bros--ooohh, that's gonna cost ya, DarkRat!
    120516 Stop the damn whistling, Dora. Lassie's not coming.
    120516 If only my cousin the Colonel was here! He'd handle these guys with his secret recipe. 11 herbs and spices.
    120516 Superman overslept again. There he goes, in the shorts marked TUESDAY.
    120515 No, Cyril says why bring me flowers when there's one growing out of the top of my head? He has strong feelings about it.
    120515 Prithee, Wise Woman, hast Thou a spell? For the Devil hath goosed my husband.
    120515 Sir Laurence Olivier discovers he has accidentally married a clown.
    120514 It's on the Mayan calendar. Really.
    120514 Kirk! Spock! Uhura! Come back, our galaxy's gone Vegas!
    120514 The Supreme Court announced that teaching "creation science" has to include EVERYONE's version.This one goes first.
    120513 Sometimes she could hear the trains...running beneath the city streets...she thought she was going mad.
    120513 OMG. The skin caviar must not be working cause Becca was looking so deeply --lined.
    120513 Coming this July: THOSE LITTLE TINY ALBINO ALLIGATORS FROM THE NYC SEWERS!! Better be careful when it rains. BWAHAHA!!
    120512 Little Shop of Horrors, Pt.II:That forsythia was growing awful fast. Jim? Where did you get that--AAAAIIIEEEE!!!!
    120512 But enough about the Kardashians.
    120512 We've switched Alice's favorite shampoo with new BLURG,the brand that gives you split ends! Let's see who notices!
    120511 "Lord Stooge: What sayeth thou? Minion Stooge: Hail, Moe! To thee, nyuk! Earl of Fine: Thus begins the smiting!"
    120511 Rachael Ray never tells all her secrets, you know. That's why her scrummy yummies turns out so damn delish!
    120511 "Run, Dick, run. Look, Jane. See Dick run."
    120510 "Well, we've never had anyone play the comb-and-tissue-paper on 'America's Got Talent'. Do you do any Justin Bieber?"
    120510 Melvin enjoyed hitch-hiking to work. He always had his huge rubber thumb handy in case he wanted to go out to lunch.
    120510 To show her who was the bigger star, Dick Van Dyke used to make Mary Tyler Moore answer his fan mail.
    120509 Though they all suffered from Early-onset Dementia,the fans still loved their Village People.
    120509 Hedy Lamarr helps Clark Gable fake a disguise so he can pass as an older, myopic Clark Gable and fool the Nazis.
    120509 Maxine Andrews breaks away from Patty and Laverne on the USO tour when she suspects an officer has frozen to death.
    120508 Col. Hamlin Jefferson Leghorn has this rooster who walks and talks just like him.
    120508 Boys, my son's made a basket of fried chicken and apple pie an sure hopes you bid to share it with him at the social.
    120508 Joe Bob was just darn proud he'd tied the dang thing round his neck. Round the collar was gonna take awhile.
    120507 Turned out, Reese wasn't Legally Blonde after all. Manicures chip fast in The Big House.
    120507 It's Lindsay Lohan, Sir. She said she didn't really steal Officer Burns; she just borrowed him for a few hours.
    120507 They threw the book at Madonna for talking in that fake British accent again.
    120506 How much did you shell out for those cheek implants?
    120506 I know: you came as Bing Crosby in "High Society". I'm Groucho as Captain Spaulding. Pretty good, huh?
    120506 Yachting cap by Claude Fabu,$995. Sweater, McGrabby, $2000. Belted tunic, avoir,$5021. Model, $10,000 and gram of coke.
    120505 If her Dad didn't quit singing "Piink Cad-ill-ac, cruisin on the street", little Carrie was gonna do that thing again.
    120505 WARNING: This shirt causes the formation of crop circles.
    120505 You're old enough to know now: a magician came to Easter Island and changed me from a big staring head into a human.
    120504 Hey, what's with Travolta's brain? You let Big Tony trade it to the Scientologists for a salami?
    120504 The priest explains to the researchers that The Pope does not count Charlie's Angels among the cherubim.
    120504 Yes, Eugene Levy and Jeff Daniels also wanted to play The Joker.
    120503 And how long as your husband believed himself to be a cauliflower?
    120503 Franz the pet rock was loved by all the Pfirsichbaum-Schwartz family, even though he was not entirely housebroken.
    120503 Why--it's Pluto! Why do those silly astronomers call this a planet?
    120502 Big Louie was shy about dismounting outside. Too bad everything about Chico the Invisible Pony wasn't equally invisible.
    120502 You know those diet plans are total crap when you see the "before" and "after" in the same room.
    120502 I wish you'd've called first and told me what you were going to wear.
    120501 He was in the "15 Items or Less" line with 16 items!--no, a 6-pack does NOT count as one item.
    120501 Loretta? I'm not coming home. I've met someone...someone who really knows how to treat a man in uniform.
    120501 LAW & ORDER: WHAT THE %$#? Lenny Briscoe names that tune and wins an audition for a Broadway musical.
    120430 Gene Simmons: The early years.
    120430 "Rolling Stone" staffers were at their wit's end when it came to a tribute to George HW Bush.
    120430 Willie the Boxing Tree travelled by fork to Mt. Rushmore to challenge George Washington's tongue to a prizefight.
    120429 If George Wendt and Jerry Lewis had a son, this is what he would look like telling ethnic jokes in Der Alt Heidelberger.
    120429 Attn underage drinkers: spray on a little INSTA-GRAY and guzzle yourself silly!
    120429 The bartender was so tired of hearing the "Cheers" theme that he'd had his face removed.
    120428 Toulouse-Latrec's cousin, Toulouse-LeBaron, was a very bad driver.But the picture on his license is a self-portrait.
    120428 Some of us weren't meant for Buns of Steel, Nelson told himself.
    120428 Sure, you can go abroad for cheap lipsuction, but I wouldn't recommend it.
    120427 "Nooo, I'M a little teapot, short and stout."
    120427 Danger, danger, Will Robinson. This android from the planet of hairdressers will give you a bad dye job and split ends.
    120427 The Human Tuba and His Gay Kareoke Robot, available for garden gnome parties! Book now! Sure to be a hit this summer!
    120426 Before joining the Stones, Ron Woods went to Transylvania with Tim Curry, traveling in disguise. No one knows why.
    120426 Jimmy Durante's great-great-great-grandfather touring the provinces in "The Barber and Part-Time Waiter of Seville."
    120426 "C'mon, Pinocchio. You stole more than that. Pay up or we sic the termites on you."
    120425 Estee Lauder bought a number of missile silos, both for world domination and to send cosmetics into space.
    120425 OK, Jimmy, cut the crap. Superman's got another girl in the fortress, right? Here's $20 for pizza. You were never here.
    120425 Dorothy showed her papers from the Emerald City State Dept. to the guard at the Cheap Blue Zircon City.
    120424 Honey, Paul Revere was warning the colonists that the British were coming. Not the other way round.
    120424 We've replaced a pot of SQUD Coffee with Jimmy Cagney--let's see if Lulu LaMarte can tell the difference!
    120424 We've replaced a pot of SQUD Coffee with Jimmy Cagney--let's see if Lulu LaMarte can tell the difference!
    120424 Ike sent Mamie undercover as a Vegas showgirl to bust up a mob racket. Casinos didn't pay up, girls got these--hats.
    120423 Dudley Moore grins. The head of Terry-Thomas has been replaced by a hard-boiled egg.Yanks never understand British wit.
    120423 As long as we've stolen this purse, let's do something about that godawful wallpaper.
    120423 Yes, this is the fund for moustache wax and hair tonic. A gentleman can never be too greased, don't you know.
    120422 An early Susan Sarandon film, "Icky Monsters Running Through Pea Soup". Its budget: $645.97.
    120422 Competition to replace Pete Best as the Beatles' drummer was fierce. Literally.
    120422 Dear Becky, Yes, everything we heard about the English boys' teeth turns out to be true! And golly, Clive was so cute...
    120421 Mishiko-san, if you pick the number honorable soldiers are thinking of they will not take you to prison camp.
    120421 Tell Mr. Alda, go away! We tired of acting on his hospital show. Real war over in 3 year, Hawkeye!
    120421 At the Chan house, the boys had to draw straws to see who was Papa Charlie's Number One Son for the day.
    120420 An enemy agent tried to kill US morale by breaking up the Andrews Sisters in 1942--just when we needed them most!
    120420 Judy Garland waits for the pills to kick in so she can do the big number that sells Edgar Kennedy on the barnyard show.
    120420 Ohhhhh, Mr. Grant!I hate wearing a "power suit", and Ted is still the worst thing on the 6:00 news! There, I said it!
    120419 ..and that's how Michael Jackson got his wish to be a little white boy in another dimension. But LaToya had to die.
    120419 Sure thing, Mr. Castro! Uno, dos, tres--is it OK that my sister fainted? It is? OK, quatro, cinco, seis...
    120419 Attn parents of 1962: children who play in this box are 68.2% less likely to go beatnik on you! Or be unwed parents! uh-
    120417 Tom Selleck sucks his thumb and daydreams about the NRA, while a surprised fan gets ready to alert the media.
    120417 Melvin, screaming "molto bella" and mozzarella" isn't fooling anybody! You're not Italian and you never have been!
    120417 Captain Hook and Peter Pan: The Awkward Teenage Years.
    120416 But I can't come downtown with you, officers. I gotta prop the house up. Well, tell it to housing regulations, Bub.
    120416 I AM the real Jack Nicholson. It's all done with mirrors.
    120416 Shaving their heads for charity was good publicity, but Larry, Moe and Shemp forgot all their schtick. Co-inky-dink?
    120415 "The band must play 'Deutchland Uber Alles' immediately!" "Wrong film, dude. 2nd door to the left, ask for Bogie."
    120415 Sure, women love a man in uniform. But not if they look like Porky Pig.
    120415 With the lowest share of the royalties and a family to support, Ringo had to do something.
    120414 The Colonel suggested Elvis try a new look in the Vegas show. Too bad The King assumed he could really fly. It was 1974.
    120414 Next time I'll just be honest about my waist size, Clark vowed after an hour of squirming into the Danskin mediums.
    120414 Well, I think we all know who's going home on "Dancing With the Stars" this week.
    120413 Billy Bob, we were not defeated at the Alamo. We let the Mexicans capture a Taco Bell.
    120413 When I come back I wanna see a shiny new tumbleweed, built to my specifications. Think you can do that, Jim?
    120413 Got me there, Hank. I don't rightly know why they call the wind Maria. Mess it up a lot myself an' jes' call it 'wind'.
    120412 The robo-car brings the 3:15 race to the gate. The mechanical rabbit's in place. Our money's on Flaming Frankie to win.
    120412 We asked these Americans if they could tell the difference between a voting booth and a Busy Box.
    120412 ...and while they waited for the mass shoeshine, they all watched Fox "News"!
    120411 Whoopi always knew she was destined to be Queen. But Peter O'Toole was so shocked he turned into a midget.
    120411 Ma'am? did the doc make you wear that so you won't chew on your stitches? My dog didn't like it either.
    120411 Short persons hath no reason to live. Thine little voices peep-peep-peep-eth. We say Begone, O Shortish Folke!
    120410 The first Khatmadhu Fried Chicken opened today.
    120410 After many years I am enlightened. Now I seek the one who does not talk and the Italian. Jai Guru Spaulding.
    120410 Yes yes, you must recognize me from the Monopoly box of your subcontinent. Please no autographs.
    120409 No way--Jehovah's Witnesses!!
    120409 It's a Ricsanataurus!! He's coming after all the homo sapiens!!
    120409 species kidandplayus, earliest find to date. Disc. pink w. fright (rare),in Glacier of Disposed Bards (speculative).
    120408 So you see, gentlemen, Dr. Dumkopf has proved conclusively, der kneebone connected to der thighbone.
    120408 Dear Diary,I am sure the 3 men in white follow me, but my wife says I imagine things. Am I going crazy?
    120408 Moaning Myrtle was a ghost who haunted a TOILET? Ooohh, that's nasty!!
    120407 Cain't fix the bed jes yet. Ink's still a lil wet on these.
    120407 The first ATM: Arkansas Tom's Mattress.
    120407 All that money I saved on razors an' personal groomin', by heck. An I weren't spendin on no wimmens. Don't know why.
    120406 Queen Latifa's new makeup ads started running during Black Comic-Book Month.
    120406 The pro-Lincoln conspiracy covered it up, so most people don't know the Civil War ended thanks to alien intervention.
    120406 "The Green Mile", restaged by Ru Paul.
    120403 You people so white, man! Dis called "fake tan". You no look scary no more, amigos. Obama in de White House! Arriba!
    120403 Prohibition extended all the way to Munchkinland. But then this slick dude showed 'em how to party Emerald city-style.
    120403 I guarantee that Turfwhisperer will write a joke about his weenie when he sees this!
    120402 We've replaced the patient with a crash test dummy. Let's see if anybody notices!
    120402 You big sissy, get back in the game. Got hurt, didja? Oh, boo hoo hoo! Now get back out there and win that game!
    120402 Go back ta Wisconsin, ya dumb cheesehead.
    120401 You just don't know what will happen these days when you send out invitations to a tea party.
    120401 "I'm inventing the wheel", you said. Tell it to my sorry butt already!
    120401 All right, but your cave had better be in a nice neighborhood.
    120331 Hey, SNL has a new offensive character: My Tie Sun, half black, half Chinese, completely not funny! Shoo-in for a film!
    120331 Rick needs a laugh. Get him to say "College is for snobs" again.
    120331 3,2,1--now! "Good evening, and welcome to 'Recycling Bins of People Who Know Reality Stars!'Who bought ads? Roll one!"
    120330 Once they were both out of office, Nixon and Agnew toured as a comedy duo. Here they are in their famous bit, "Huh?"
    120330 He's for real, lady. Mitt said he'd legalize polygamy if he got elected. He was asking you just in case.
    120330 Maybe next time you'll think twice before you have the Garlic Martini with three onions on the toothpick.
    120329 Don't you go in there. It's what they call a Justin Bieber.
    120329 Now playing: Zombies ate their brains and now they're BLACK REPUBLICANS!! Voting against their own interests!! AAIIEE!!
    120329 Nooo, Mr. Cosby!! Not the one about Noah talkin' to God!! Anything but that!! My daddy knew it by heart!! Have mercy!!
    120328 Dr. Strangelove came from a large family, many of whom had the same affliction. Biff, for instance.
    120328 Caught you at last, Father! The two and a half aliens here told us all about the altar boys.
    120328 It was a gift from Peter Lorre when we wrapped "The Maltese Falcon" and I hope you can tell me what the hell it is.
    120327 Hey, Crug? What the heck's a cowboy anyhow? We can't even rope and brand no saber-tooth tigers.
    120327 Willie Nelson's ancestors longed to evolve, have more fingers, and put strings on gourds.
    120327 He maybe go in cave, invent "skittle". Me shoot him.
    120326 It took Rowan and Martin a long time to get that "Flying Fickle Finger of Fate" bit to work. They 1st tried it in 1884.
    120325 So, now "Rock-Scissors-Paper" has a COMB in it. I just can't remember what it beats.
    120325 Paul Sorvino stars in "The Guy Who Was All Confused About Numbers".
    120325 He divorced #1 so the Church doesn't count #2, but then #1 died so Callista is legit.
    120323 I suppose we all look alike to you, but Kirk Douglas has that chin thing going on, and I'm a studly blonde hunk.
    120323 Please tell the King of the Forest I'm here for the breakfast meeting. Er--I'm not his breakfast, am I? There's coffee?
    120323 Darling, it's because you snore.
    120321 Captain's log: "Yellow Submarine" is about drugs.Disgusting! I'm proud my men & I glow green while I talk to a stick!
    120321 Now hear this: Comet, it makes your face turn green, Comet, it tastes like gasoline...
    120321 Not much is known about Jerry Ford's time as a glass-blower except that he tried to resuscitate a brandy snifter.
    120320 Dis medicine here? Yeh, we sell it to dat Rush guy but nuttin gets him hard cept dis picture of Stalin in a garter belt.
    120320 Hiram meets the Schlong Brothers, just arrived from Sljobvcynk.
    120320 Stephen Stills was hilarious singing like a girl, but Peter and Paul decided to go with Mary Travers anyway.
    120319 Boy, in a few bazillion years, PETA was gonna come down so hard on this place.
    120319 This revival of "7 Brides for 7 Brothers" was definitely going another way.
    120319 American women are losing all their rights--but thanks to CRUD shampoo, their hair looks GREAT!!! Fewer split ends too!!
    120318 Hey kidz! Find the "Old Grandad" in this picture and win a prize!
    120318 Say there, how'm I sposed to tell if'n this is the medicine for my bad eyesight?
    120317 Should the GOP win, Motown plans to repackage The Jackson 5's Greatest Hits with a more acceptable design.
    120317 For a truly representative sampling, Margo interviewed the houseplants as well.
    120316 You'll go on reality TV and like it, you bum!
    120316 Tony, you're gonna get made cause you're a great safecracker. No one cares about no blackheads.
    120316 Legs did not take it well when he found out what Scarface did with the heist money.
    120315 Tip to Girl Scouts: Never be desperate to sell those cookies. A customer can always tell.
    120315 The key demographic for "Desperate Housewives" shakes down Teri Hatcher for secrets. Tell Kong about final episode!
    120315 When the Hays Office made Betty Boop dress modestly, she didn't know how to handle those really aggressive types.
    120314 Boris Karloff did part-time work selling Mary Kay. Here he demonstrates a trick with eyeliner. Look, someone's in love!
    120314 Never work with real zombies. A few got into Ronald Reagan's trailer on the Warner lot and ate his brain between takes.
    120314 Hey Nico, in our line of business we don't gotta make apologies when we hurt nobody, capisce?
    120313 No more coffee. It's bad for the baby.
    120313 At 2 a.m., they were out of Chock Full O' Nuts, and Chester started to brew the stamp-pads.
    120313 You're right, Al. Let's go out and get hooked on amphetamines.
    120312 There was always fighting on the "Wizard of Oz" set. Like, when someone OK'd this Tin Man costume,and for Lon Chaney!
    120311 Don't you worry bout me none, I'm just a runaway mannequin from a Ralph Lauren window display.
    120311 John Belushi once tried to work his way across a black-and-white Western as a fortune teller.
    120311 Don't try marking those cards, stranger. I've got my own Sharpie in my trusty back pocket.
    120309 Lucy wandered out of the "Peanuts" strip, so angry Muppets blasted her into space w/ Dead Grandad from "Family Circus".
    120309 Christopher Plummer follows up the Oscar with a remake of "The Birds".
    120309 Dr. Dolittle thought he could talk to the animals, but apparently some of the Bird dialects were subtly nuanced.
    120308 "The Rosie O'Donnell Story" had been filming for just 2 days but had already blown through its catering budget.
    120308 This is what happens when your 18-hour bra and your control-top pantyhose go on strike at the same time.
    120308 That Audrey Hepburn! Labelling a dessert "low-calorie cheesecake" and smacking the weaklings who failed her weigh-in.
    120307 The cute one can ride with me.Johann, kindly take Georg and his imaginary trumpet for a bath in the moat.
    120307 Turfwhisperer's endless supply of primitive dirty jokes drove the man at the far right to drink.
    120307 "No, you idiot, I said to rub the magic LAMP!" Even Perkin laughed, and he was the official village idiot.
    120306 Just two of the secret panel members who fix it so no one you like ever wins a People's Choice Award.
    120306 Well, NOW Rush Limbaugh says if his alma mater covers birth control, the sororities have to send him dirty postcards.
    120306 Hey Mary! "Girl wanted in Minneapolis to throw beret into below-zero air, smile, and Make It After All." That's you!
    120305 Hey, guys, it just occurred to me: does Superman know there's a war on? Well, why doesn't he go kick Hitler's ass?
    120305 The truth at last: Lois Lane and Superman are the real parents of Teri Hatcher and Stan Smith on "American Dad".
    120305 Jimmy was just hoping Lois wouldn't mind asking her Superfriend to fly around to the Chinese place for carryout.
    120304 As a tribute, Lisa re-enacts her younger days screaming for her favorite Monkee.
    120304 Yeah, for real, the kid's name is Blue Ivy. Apparently that's legal.
    120304 Minerva just learned the Republicans have plans for her uterus.
    120303 It's a request to adjust the focus of this room.
    120303 Sir, you don't need a court order to read the magazines. The Hayes code is in effect. BTW we can't French kiss either.
    120303 Before facelifts were common, aging movie stars were often filmed underwater.
    120302 The Police Department will be wearing their jackets belted this year for a retro 1940s look, and dead butch it is too.
    120302 Villagepeopleus: homo sapien, a rare species once found in urban US regions; sitings few, breeding habits unknown.
    120302 The Chief was so terrified, he only agreed to talk to the sketch artist @ HQ if she promised to use invisible ink.
    120301 Peter Lorre, tired of Walt Disney's anti-Semitism, asks the bartender for a bottle of Manischewitz. Well, just the neck.
    120301 The Everly Brothers fell on hard times and wound up touring bars on the sets of "B" movies.
    120301 It was a great act: The Amazing Clive sipped straight bourbon but the dummy got drunk, told dirty jokes and threw up.
    120229 by listening to all those Beatles records backwards, The CIA knew Paul had been replaced by a cardboard cutout !
    120229 Condi Rice will address the Republican convention about the civil rights movement and its future with the GOP.
    120229 Sanctorum campaign, setting time travel destination for the year 1400...
    120228 When Lady Anne's head began to glow in the dark, the people prepared a dais in the town square and used her as a lamp.
    120228 Oohh, Marianne. Isn't Robin just dreamy in that green tunic?
    120228 That's Chico Marx, and he's gotta be in this movie to get his hat back.
    120227 Donny and Marie in an alterate universe, where she's a lil bit beatnik and he's a lil bit rabidly anti-Communist.
    120227 You too can work everywhere you go, when you've got a desk sticking out of your stomach!
    120227 Mitt Romney with a prototype of "Pizzas For Welfare Moms".
    120226 Damn, this hangover is worse than I thought.
    120226 Put the white sheet away, dude. The farm's integrated. Brown cows, Bantam Whites, Rhode Island Reds--get over it.
    120226 The ghost of Michael Jackson haunted petting zoos all over the world.
    120225 Farrah Fawcett's curling iron was mounted on a platform overlooking the Pacific. It stands as a monument to 70s hair.
    120225 No, Yankee, just a big flag come out. Say "BANG!" We show you sometime.
    120224 After Reg had his favorite bratwurst lunch with extra onions, garlic and curry, even paperwork wouldn't go near him.
    120224 All right! I'm wearing shoulderpads! I'm just sorry you had to find out this way.
    120224 Was Gwen's face red! She'd written up the meeting's minutes on flypaper. AGAIN! She couldn't look Herman in the face.
    120223 The Beatles had written that song about his garden, and Octy had been attempting to play it on the triangle ever since.
    120223 Congress is full of invertebrates, and here's the tip of the Washington Monument appearing at a roast for one of them.
    120223 Oh yeah, the Illuminati put a pyramid, an eye AND an octopus on the dollar bill. You just have to know where to look.
    120222 Well, even The Wizard of Oz had to start somewhere.
    120222 I bet you're fabulous at shadow puppets. How you managed to get a desk job is beyond me, so you're under arrest.
    120222 Not many people know that WC Fields should have been in "Casablanca". Bogey shot him accidentally on the second day.
    120221 Maury hated that "Ay yi yi yi, I am the Frito Bandito!" but the crumbs in the bed afterwards were truly awful.
    120221 Then the Wicked Witch of the West tried the next bed and realized it was too soft and she was in the wrong fairy tale.
    120221 There is a legend that Yetta the Witch comes to bad Jews on the first night of Hannukah and complains for 8 days.
    120220 ...but the shrink told me to just look at the blood and ignore everything else. Hey,I see a fried egg-now I'm hungry!
    120220 Remember what Rick Sanctorum just said about Obama's religion? Well, just you just give him a second term, folks.
    120220 <buuurrrpp> Ahhh, Nebraskans: The Other White Meat.
    120219 Hank greeting his fans after his record-breaking Channel swim; no one knew yet his dad was Kermit the Frog.
    120219 It's Zippy the Pinhead in his first live-action movie!
    120218 That's the last time I buy a Rolex from a green salesman with extra eyes.
    120218 Hey, Gus, that crop circle design is cookin'! It's already broken my watch!
    120218 Must be 5:00 somewhere in the galaxy. Let's beam down for a cold gl^%:
    120217 Meanwhile, in another dimension, Santa Claus broke his back in a sleighing accident and rapidly lost weight.
    120217 A physicist choreographs "The Mikado".
    120217 3 years of research, and the team was still unable to say who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong.
    120215 So that's where the liberal Republicans went.
    120215 We're heading off to paint ourselves pink, there are alcoholics having the DTs who'll be wondering where we are.
    120215 Just because the contestants on "The Biggest Loser" are so much heavier this year is no reason to poke fun at them.
    120214 Son, this cauliflower has been in the family for years, and I want you to have it.
    120214 When the "American Bandstand" dancers refused to appear with Frankie Avalon, Dick Clark busted that up real fast.
    120214 So then that damn Liberace says that's no way to play the piano but it's pretty good for somethin else. What's he mean?
    120213 Vote for FDR? What, and spoil all the fun?
    120213 "You must LIVE the role of Oliver Twist!" But that director was arrested for reckless endangerment of children.
    120213 Well, at least Mom got rid of those pictures of the sad clowns.
    120213 See? Everyone wants to get in to the Junior Republicans League! Why, they line up around the block!
    120212 Sometimes we have to make a few troublemakers go away to keep this The Happiest Place On Earth. Get a new Snow White.
    120212 The other kids loved David Cassidy, but young Sarah Palin was crazy for The Disapproving Gospel Brothers.
    120211 We have secret weapon, Round-Eye. Break up your best music group. In twenty-five year. Oh, you be sorry!
    120210 This season on his TV show, Donald Trump fires his own eyeballs!
    120210 The stunned audience watched as The Blue Man Group did its salute to the Republican debates.
    120210 There are many songs about "the sadness in your eyes"; "the screaming psycho spinning blue irises", not so much.
    120210 This season on his TV show, Donald Trump fires is own eyeballs!
    120209 It's the local Grand Dragon. IHOP served him Aunt Jemima's syrup in honor of Black History Month. That's his own sheet!
    120209 ..and these are the original pieces of Joan Rivers, just piling up. I was thinking, maybe a loveseat?
    120209 Well OK, I'm not really a professional magician. I just got this video and started sawing a lady in half.
    120208 A scene from the obscure Elvis-Dietrich musical, "Eine Kleine Jailbreak": Big Polka At The Schnitzel Stand.
    120208 At BurgoCab, our taxi-waitresses drive your food from the pick-up window straight to your car!
    120208 Yah, dahlink, being a Gabor eez eggspensive, an I am between husbands, hahaha.
    120207 Yeah. We call the wind Mariah. And we call the toaster George. Wanna make something of it?
    120207 Give it to us straight. We ain't practicin for no Ralph Lauren fashion show. You just like seein us boys in chaps.
    120207 Your Honor, I've never seen a Denver boot on a Palomino before.
    120206 Yes. I've had implants.
    120206 Yes. 've had implants.
    120206 in about 60 years when the cell phone is invented, I'll be ready!
    120206 It was on the set of his commercial for Tropicana Raw Liver Breakfast that OJ started to go mad.
    120205 Sir, I know not this Duke of Earl. Whence cometh he, and wherefore all must cry his name aloud twice, thrice,four times?
    120205 Does your creaky corset ever embarass you in public? Try CORSET-DUZ, the only corset oil with the Royal Seal!
    120204 It's from the Susan G. Komen fund. They've just learned that breasts come with people attached. My word!
    120204 ..and that's what he calls The Safety Net Under the Poor. The next item is The Safety Net Under the Rich.
    120203 ..and so little Cindy Brady was given as a child bride to Ricky Schroeder, John Denver sang, and the rocket zoomed away!
    120203 'The Bobbsey Twins and the Atomic Submarine'featuring Doktor Fishface, new at your bookstore this Tuesday!
    120203 This Kardashian is over-Botox'd and fake-collagened and no longer mobile. It is sent to schools to warn the children.
    120202 Usually the ex-Mrs. Gingrich was kept away from rallies as the strain of her married years showed so badly.
    120202 David Niven in a rare snapshot, sightseeing with Quasimodo, who seems overexcited by his first ride on a subway.
    120202 There's the guy! The one who ran off with my face! Yeah, he just got real close and suddenly, AARRGHH! Get 'em!!
    120201 Sacre bleu! Jacques forced the window of the chateau, only to find the Cousteaus kept an attack squid!
    120201 Damn, nothin worth stealing here. Beyonce spent all her cash on new wigs.
    120131 "West Side Story II: Westhampton"-here Maria tells JR Buxworth III that she like to be in America, then vacuums the rug.
    120131 Don't look now, but Mitt's coming to Little Havana, and if he's gotta marry a couple Latinas to win votes, he'll do it.
    120130 In "The Road to Dogpatch", Bob Hope and Dorothy Lamour show Lil Abner indoor plumbing, through a wacky musical number.
    120130 "So this is REALLY how test-tube babies are made?" "Ha ha! But of course! After you, my dear."
    120129 Rob Reiner and Nick Nolte never got backers for their remake of "The Sunshine Boys". Funny about that.
    120129 Yes! You too can be an extra in an Italian B-movie!
    120128 Go ahead, tell me I'm dirt, I'm useless,I oughta be slapped. Hey, would ya get those stiletto heels and say that to me?
    120128 It's not easy for me to tell you this, sweetheart, but I-I'm losing my hair. I can't live with the secret anymore!
    120127 Behind the scenes @ "The Dick Van Dyke Show", a network exec told Laura that real American couples have twin beds.
    120127 We've secretly replaced Laura's right arm with Secretariat's foreleg! Let's see if her husband notices!
    120127 Baby, the antler-plasty came out great! AND--you're playing Prancer in 'Rudolph: The Musical'!
    120126 Is your name Calgon? Well, can you take me the hell away, anyway?
    120126 Yeah, but just cause you serve espresso in a teensy little cup, it doesn't mean you need a teensy little pot and waiter.
    120126 Picasso painted me during his blue period.
    120125 Auntie Em, Auntie Em! What's the secret ingredient in your pie crust? The crew's gonna mutiny unless they get good food!
    120125 Yes! New SQUD Detergent gets your laundry all funny-looking!
    120124 Just press it on over your real fingernail! Don't know what I did without 'em. Wanna try my new shade? It's Pink Kiss.
    120123 So you're saying Mr. Flintstone treated you like a machine? Did you ask for a transfer? What about damages?
    120123 You know how many people don't believe in you? But they think you can make gays turn straight.Should I open with that?
    120122 Yeah, well, Paul and Mary'll be here any minute, guys, and we hammer in the morning, we hammer in the evening-- really!
    120120 Hair spray fumes..making me..feel so dizzy...GINA! Roy Orbison called..wants..his..helmethead..back..are you..done..yet?
    120119 Hamlin was sure his chest was gonna win him the Mr. Crescent City title, even if Billy Bob had that fine tenor voice.
    120119 Endorsin' Newt? The Gov's gone plumb loco. Who's gonna take him out back an shoot 'im, boys?
    120118 Walt Disney considers a theme park in the ruins of Dresden. No trouble with the blacks and Jews here!!
    120117 Teaching Hospital Study #824: the longest case of Girl Cooties on record.
    120117 Be a dear and check. I know pin-curls usually take longer but I really feel done, and besides I finished my magazine.
    120116 Our subject's chosen the Bela Lugosi hairline; the Borgnine brow; the John Waters moustache and a Vincent Price simper.
    120116 Actually, all the voting on "Dancing With the Stars" is controlled by one bitter old instructor from Arthur Murray's.
    120116 The Man Behind the Curtain somewhere on Rodeo Drive shows Diane Sawyer where the Kardashians really come from.
    120115 Since "Don't Ask Don't Tell" was repealed, I haven't paid for dinner ONCE. But what do I tell my wife?
    120115 Hey, it's me, Rolf! The Captain just found out what Liesl and I really did in the gazebo. Can I hide back there? Danke !
    120114 Marty Feldman's eyes really did go in different directions.
    120114 Keith Richards never forgot that breakfast with David Crosby.
    120113 The 1st director of "It's a Wonderful Life" wanted the "Buck Rogers" cast in Bedford Falls. Here, Jimmy Stewart reacts.
    120112 "This belonged to Mother!" Suddenly Joan knew she would be painting a different sort of portrait subject
    120112 I dunno, something about these spikes coming out of my head just makes me extra hungry.
    120111 "I Was A Prisoner On A Conga Line", coming soon to a theater near you!Special guest appearance by Clarence Thomas!
    120110 When The Osmond Family gave a surprise concert to support Mitt, there was suddenly plenty of room in the arena.
    120110 Whadya mean, Ron Paul won't use our bathroom?!
    120110 Auditions for "Stallone: Da Musical" were not going so well.
    120109 Don't look now, but the King of the Sea Munchkins has a flower for you. Wanna be his Queen? Cause this is the palace.
    120109 THAT'S a Walkman?" "Yes. That's what capsized the ship. You only know the tiny iPods like the one on my wrist here.
    120109 The press will never find us here! Course after we unzip, re-zip,re-surface, that leaves us--hell,enough time for ME!
    120108 Green makeup? Flying monkeys? And I melt? Well, OK, but could you get these curtains out of my dressing room?
    120108 Are we in New Hampshire? It smells like there was a Republican debate around here. Sheez, open this window already!
    120107 Lois Lane wondered why that nice Mr. Murasaki just couldn't stand her new Chanel "Kryptonic" perfume.
    120107 Yes, I'm Alec Baldwin. Yes, I'm riding Amtrak now. And yeah, this is Suduku and I need a pencil. What's it to yah?
    120106 It's a letter from the French court, Majesty, wondering which of us to call The Virgin Queen.
    120106 But my love, the court veterinarian says thou must, else thy pull thine stitches out.
    120105 'You saw Auntie Em in THAT?' 'No you gorgeous goy, Aunt Yetta. She loved me in "Funny Girl".'
    120105 In the 70s, Arthur Murray tried automating their dance studios. In this ad, Warren Beatty meets R2D2 for samba class.
    120104 Bar mitzvahs at the Alamo is a fine old Texas tradition.
    120104 Not many people remember, but the Temptations started as a C & W act. Here they work on choreography for an Opry show.
    120103 It's a gated community, Doug. Where the TV starlets of yesteryear come to drink and forget.
    120103 "Don't remake Footloose", everyone said. We're not! We're remaking "Jailhouse Rock"! Uhh, not remaking. Ripping off.
    111231 Is somebody sleeping through my Ghaddafi impersonation? Come on, somebody snored back there.
    111230 Aspiring conductors have to practice on corpses, under supervision, before they are allowed to try it with the living.
    111230 Darling, you said you could eat with chopsticks. This is horrifying. Look, the waiter's fainted.
    111229 I said that ventriloquists without puppets are gonna be HOT! Gotta tell Sam, Harry the Hand goes on tonight!
    111228 Six months at least. Move up the due date and call Maury Povich.
    111228 You're going underground as a pair of Siamese twins? Tony, you still got that bullet in your head, doncha.
    111227 You know Meryl Streep is gonna get another Oscar,I'm in a coma half the movie, how do you THINK I feel?
    111227 No! Newt can't see me looking like this! He'll leave me alone suffering from Funny Pajama Disease! Without Blue Cross!
    111226 That Knuckles. Is he trying to cut in again? Sheesh, and the band's playin a slow one. Why won't he leave us alone, Tim?
    111226 Is this the line for Kirk Douglas or Michael Douglas impersonators?
    111224 Psst. It's me, Paula Deen! These elves work for nothin, y'all. Gonna gits me some for Smiffield Pork, %&(@! them unions!
    111224 Do you like BIG PACKAGES? BWAHAHA OK beatcha to it guys, and ask Santa to help you think up some new captions.
    111223 Greg Brady's hard times: being Jacklyn Smith's personal trash compactor, and tennis teacher to her albino ward.
    111222 But Mrs. Ricardo,J Edgar Hoover is dancing in the chorus at the club tonight! Here's his costume! He's Big Flora! Oops..
    111221 Whatsa matter, never seen window dressing before? You wanna WHAT? OK, $200, you watch all you want, jus don tell Macy's.
    111221 Lady Fiona pays a surprise visit to Sir Tom Jones backstage.
    111220 It's the "Flying Nun" prototype for Virgin Airways. But don't try joining the Mile High Club on one.
    111219 "Ward, I'm worried about The Beaver." Don't get me started.YEARS of pain.Am I ready for the End Times? You watch me.Heh.
    111218 Civil War re-enactors and their rendition of Strom Thurmond's prom night.
    111218 ...from the new Tea Party collection! Put those white sheets back in the linen closet, here's what the chic bigots wear!
    111217 Din't I say that bag don't match them boots? But did you listen? Son, Carson Kressley's comin here jes to laugh atcha.
    111216 No, MY ringtone is "Mac the Knife", YOURS is "I Like Big Butts". You haven't got the hair for "Mac the Knife"!
    111215 So he ate half your earbuds. Did you HAVE to cut his facelift sutures?
    111214 while it's not exactly a piece, golden retriever fur is attached to Mr. Trump's scalp here, and also here.
    111213 Tito Jackson tells Starr Jones who put Nair in her shampoo in 1997. Also, a petrified Xmas tree! Today on "The View"!
    111212 Mitt Romney tries to amuse Joe Biden with the Mormon Potato-Chip Dance. He's doing the "crumbs-over-the shoulder" step!
    111211 "..but my father's pirate ship needs sails!" cried Pippi Longstocking.
    111210 Why yes, always write with my eyes shut. Git more done that way. Jes put them silver dollars on the Prada bags there.
    111209 I was looking for my wife's clitoris, but I think I took a wrong turn about a mile back.
    111208 Let us bow our heads and remember Bruce Jenner's original nose.
    111208 for those 13 years Herman Cain was "helping" that woman, he was still--? And Mrs. Cain--? I'm not quite clear here.
    111207 Ohhh, Wallace, I just hate it when we show up wearing the same thing! Now I'm getting a migraine.
    111206 Before his days on "Law & Order: SVU", Richard Belzer toured with The Psycho Psychiatrists.
    111206 But I really am Kim Kardasian! I haven't had any Botox for a week! Where's my mascara? I don't WANT to be cured, you--!
    111205 That guy? Nah, he's from Newark. Never been on a horse in his life. He just walks like that.
    111205 It's not the campfire kareoke that gets me so much as the 'Brokeback Mountain' charades.
    111204 The first version of Ronald MacDonald did not catch on, and Ye Olde Meate Pye Shoppes went over like the Armada.
    111202 Sinead O'Connor teams w/ Justin Bieber to rap about Zero Population Growth.
    111202 I don't believe you. Show me how you make 'em go Number Three.
    111201 Maybe you saw me at my old job on the ice cream truck. I still wear the uniform. Loved those kids--whoops. Nice night!
    111129 It's part of the Occupy Burger King movement, kiddo. Did you miss their press conference?"
    111128 I can't wait till some Einstein invents the ATM.
    111127 I want some red roses for a blue lady. And a blue lady. Got any of those around? Well, look in the back.