That Elvis is so polite!He asked me backstage to meet "Little Elvis". "Is that your son?" I asked. Everybody laughed...
|
|
A psychic told me that a show called "American Idol" will be a big hit, and I'd like to audition! "ooo bay-bee bay-bee"
|
Oh no. You've been sitting around reading the scale again. Time to go back to the clinic, Beatrice.
|
|
You can have that screen implanted in your stomach, but you still won't be a Teletubby, Nicole.
|
Ben Kingsley's daughter runs lines backstage for the high school's spring musical, "The Indira Gandhi Story".
|
|
Yes, Mary, we're a school for unwed mothers, you know. We've heard plenty of stories like that before.
|
|
So, you're applying for the opening for a child bride, is that correct?
|
Pa! That there new "Great Gatsby"'s got hip-hop music in it. An' that ain't right, Pa.
|
|
It--it's the tumbleweeds, Pa. They gits me all scared, like. I'd shoot 'em, but they jes blow away.
|
Nate Minskoff couldn't think why the tailor kept making that face. He was getting a lot for that bar mitzvah suit!
|
|
Sorry, but you're all wrong for "The Michael Jackson Story".
|
Hilda! I was robbed! They took my lower teeth!
|
|
Don't open that! The cartoonist didn't draw anything on the other side!
|
David Crosby relaxes in Las Vegas.
|
|
Did anyone bet The Abominable Snowman would show up in Atlantic City?
|
|
This is how we play hopscotch on the home planet!
|
The faster we compost the boat, the faster we get shore leave.
|
|
So, yesterday was garbage pickup. Think you can relax? Here's today's, fresh off the truck.
|
"I came as one of the Smith Brothers." "I came as Sig Ruhmann in 'A Night at the Opera'"!
|
|
I like it here. All the food has the subtle taste of hair.
|
On Britney's "Neck Brace" tour, she'll promote her "Weird Chess Set" CD. Chess is "weird" when you can't, like, play,'K?
|
I float cause I'm full of helium! See the stopper on my head?
|
Uhh, Grandma, we accidentally broke your spinach souffle.
|
|
Young Tim Gunn pouts. Brother Jim talks Gran through his art installation and the way cool popped collar goes ignored!
|
That think Grandma told you is true: your face WILL freeze "that way".
|
|
Oh, Gawd, please stop that kid from counting everything all the damn time!
|
Harry! Somebody broke in and wallpapered the furniture!
|
|
The flea circus was back in town, and practicing their opening act on the armchair and their landlady.
|
The small town had only heard of this bungee-jumping thing last week but they sure didn't want to feel left out.
|
|
New! Stepford Dispoz-a-Wife! Is your wife dull? Stained? Doesn't match the couch? Call us!
|
Hi, Mr. Werewolf, and, like, welcome to our school! We're selling these rilly bad wigs to raise money for new uniforms.
|
Darndest thing about recessive genes, but a gorgeous blonde mom and a fatso dark dad sometimes have 7-ft redheaded sons!
|
|
In "The Even Nuttier Professor", John Travolta is transformed into Gwyneth Paltrow! With Conan O'Brien in a cameo role.
|
Al, if you're gonna show up at the cook-out, at least bring potato salad.
|
|
So what happened to that guy who kept saying, "That's a knife!" --?
|
...so then the Jester said,'Your Majesty, why didst thy chicken cross the Royal Mile?' and PAAHHH!!-fell in the moat!..
|
|
Sir Biff and Lady Darla were a-wooing but just lately he wanted to get back to slaying dragons with the other guys.
|
Tell your people: make no more radio. Buy all radio from us.
|
|
Tokyo Rose took a coffee break, and for some reason the Japanese thought Dayton Annie would do just as well.
|
Before breaking into politics, Vladimir Lenin modeled for Minsky's Medical Supplies. Here, he's in a dashing lab coat.
|
|
Andy Williams had to fight his way out of The Williams Brothers quartet to go solo.
|
Well, I don't think he looks like a bird or a plane, but with legs like that why not wear the tights, that's what I say.
|
|
That's Trump's new building over there--no, that's Trump's ego, the building's to the left.
|
Varmint the Frog didn't have his uncle Kermit's good looks and traded on the Frog family name to get auditions.
|
|
Since that gekko made it big, everyone was looking for the next green sensation.
|
Gee wiz honey, sure glad you pulled your dress down in time!
|
|
Uh-oh, could the Veronica head tell that Archie was putting her on the Betty body?
|
We were expecting Batman, but we're sure your trapeze act is very interesting, Mr. Bat Guano.
|
|
Well, the arch-villian costume was at the cleaners.
|
|
The new Batman villian, Rush Limpboy,whipped off the wraps and stunned victims stiff with his ugly talk and ugly self.
|
She was having a makeover in Neiman's, and things were said--I don't know. She needs time. And cold cream.
|
So I pinned your socks together before I did the wash. Something wrong with that?
|
|
But Arthur, those ballerinas get the special shoes to dance on their toes, Arthur.
|
During the War, rationing took a toll on DC Comics. One "SMACK!" meant losing a whole balloon of dialog.
|
|
"SMACK!" aftershave, for the man with a kink!
|
You're gonna like him much better with Heidi Klum's legs.
|
|
But Doctor, all the Flemings are "innies". This is some kind of a terrible hoax!
|
I forget, after we clean up after the horses, what do we do with these hats?
|
|
That Dubya! Dude, it's "cow-boy". Not "cow-bell". Wanna ride back to the general store now?
|
Wonder Woman has a Hispanic counterpart. Trouble is, every time she rescues someone she gets deported.
|
She wanted her husband to put her on a pedestal. He wouldn't, so she attempted the climb herself, and broke her leg.
|
"No way, Phil. Jogging to work in gladiator costumes is way manlier than doubling up on a Harley. Just ignore them!"
|
|
The "Vespa! Vespa!"-"Pizza!Pizza!" campaign just wasn't taking off.
|
Mama! Olaf, he tries to walk his invisible elk again.
|
|
Two ways not to hurt yourself: 1. Falling out of a basement window. 2. Staying outside the noose.
|
Yeah. Cary Grant. That's who I look like.
|
|
Umm, no, it wasn't just a bad dream, and yes, I'm still here. Where do we get breakfast? It's your treat.
|
|
Awww. Playing hard to get. That's so cute.
|
Hey, look, you got it mad!
|
|
I think you almost invented the Lava Lamp.
|
|
Now put a little farmhouse in there, we got a picture for tomorrow's front page.
|
Don't worry. Sure, ladies go into the woods with him, but notice they always marry the other kind?
|
|
In "The Road to Fort Lee, NJ", Bob Hope schemes with Dorothy Lamour to sprain his lips and get sent home.
|
|
The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy got it straight from Tokyo Rose: the war was over! Wait'll he told Company B!
|
That's it. I'm getting the dart board one removed.
|
|
I KNOW, and they talk to me when the lights go out!
|
|
No, wait! The dame on my right arm? She's got what you call a "social disease". She doesn't know I know, so play dumb.
|
So, y'all Islam-ites in them there burqas, or you jes leper types?
|
|
My dermatologist said, "You'll thank me later", and she was right. Look at all those other wrinkly, spotty ghosts!
|
|
What's wrong, Joe? You're white as a sheet. You're not sick, are ya?
|
The Cousteau family tried out this new camera on Loan Sharks before photographing Hammerheads and Great Whites.
|
|
Well, no one could accuse her of taking dirty pictures.
|
|
It's nice to have a waterproof camera.
|
After Bam-Bam's agent got him more work, Bedrock started looking simply prehistorically DULL.
|
|
Tinkerbell had to struggle at Disneyland, but the Miss It's a Small World crown came with a Magic Kingdom scholarship.
|
|
So this king got a new wife who didn't tell him she was Jewish, she strong-armed him, and that's why we celebrate Purim.
|
Aw, please, Mom, don't complain. I had to tip the headwaiter 50 y*>~s to get a table with a view of the Crab Nebula!
|
|
"Inter-Galactic X Factor" isn't going so well. This ventriloquist act was voted off to a distant galaxy.
|
|
Natural childbirth on Planet ZblQ7 "Congratulations, Mr. Kl=/2b, you have a lovely baby crx^>j-pp!"
|
Nooo, THURSDAY is the day we sack and pillage! Now go and change.
|
|
Mr. Known World pageant contestants had to take impromptu questions on laying siege, beheadings, and concubines.
|
|
At one time, The Beatles considered "Asian Rulers Lonely Hearts Club Horde", but didn't like the costumes.
|
Whassamatter, ashamed of your own family?"
|
|
This was when Doc filed a harassment suit with the United Fictitious Mine Workers.
|
|
Cruise ships can't get good entertainers now, so you could be stuck with no a/c, no lights AND The Bathroom Bunch Revue!
|
The tribal craftwork is damned good and tired of getting ripped off by the white man.
|
|
Joan Miro, while preparing a show of his latest paintings, hits his thumb with a hammer.
|
|
If this happens to you at the salon, tell the manicurist to stop smacking her gum and disinfect the emery board already.
|
The latest thing is to wear the suit with the coat still on the hanger.
|
|
Mr. Clean takes odd jobs in department stores. Those cleaning jobs just don't buy enough tight shirts.
|
|
Under that double-breasted jacket are six midgets fighting to get out.
|
Just wait til we can afford color. Boy are you gonna see shiners! Blues, greens, browns...black eyes to dream about.
|
|
This is probably not the best time to say that all the guys think you wear that outfit much better than she does.
|
|
Olive Oyl was one of the first cartoon women to take a self-defense course. The spinach wasn't always handy, you know.
|
Taking a shortcut through "The Scream" was a bad idea. The museum guards can write tickets for exiting through the art.
|
|
I didn't even know Justin Bieber and Paris Hilton were an item! But the paparazzi caught up with them last night.
|
|
Oh, no, Archie! Miss Grundy wants you arrested for seducing the home economics dummy. She's only 14!
|
Sir Geoffrey had been replaced with his wax replica from Madame Tussaud's.
|
|
Father, this is no time to practice the hypnotism act, there's a fire over England!
|
|
This "dentistry" you speak of--'tis witchcraft!
|
Sure. Find the man who took your wallet and you get it back.
|
|
The new "Batman" villian: The Stumbling Blindfolded Guy! Watch him sue businesses all over Gotham City for --stuff!
|
|
The ABC Gang blindfolded all the guys who came to the hideout at The Schoolhouse for the first time.
|
Police Det. Smartass and his Sikh sidekick almost nab Bugsy McBugsy when Heaven drops a halo on Smartass, whap!
|
|
The Swami became senile in the middle of the event and began to play "ring toss" with the rest of the team.
|
|
Runners in the Marathon for the Oddly Dressed collect pledges to help the unfortunate with no sense of style.
|
Well,the big gray rat who crawled up on the table ate half, so it's only fair he pays for half.
|
|
Waiter? The bill? No, this looks like a notice from the Health Department.
|
|
He was short on cash and offered to return the poached salmon and asparagus tips.
|
Tips for getting a drink in your face, #726: "My friend and I made a bet about your bra. I say it's black. C'mon..."
|
|
Male menopause.
|
|
Sheez! You'd think the invitation to try out for a porn film might be a compliment! What is it with chicks?
|
I tried e-Harmony but I couldn't get any dates. I asked friends to set me up. Still nothing. What to do, I wondered...
|
|
The smoking-cessation program was tough, but highly successful, when participants actually lived through it.
|
|
Maybe next time you'll remember that trash goes out on Thursday. Your neighborhood association sent you a booklet.
|
We knew Father was losing his marbles when he drank the bottle of warm milk and gave his pipe to
Baby Dimples.
|
|
That dang house wuz jes crawlin with the lil ones. Why, Gramps reached fer a hanky an there was lil Jake!
|
|
You've got to teach them when they're young, cause the dealers are everywhere.
|
The Gray Fedora Gang used to hold up Salvation Army stores and leave with all the double-breasted suits.
|
|
The sons Jimmy Cagney never talked about.
|
|
Well, screw Motown anyway!
|
What's my surprize? Didja get me one a them blow-up sexy ladies?
|
|
That salesman sure was good--he sold Uncle Hank aluminum siding for the house, the barn, and Aunt Rose too!
|
|
In later years, Jack Haley made a friend out of his Tin Man costume and used to talk to it about their days in Oz.
|
Son, someday when you're a miserable, smelly failure like your old man you'll be glad you can't afford therapy.
|
|
Times were tough, and Dad was reduced to farming in his pockets. This was bad for the crops; the apple tree went moldy.
|
|
Hey, there's a Glee club in an Unknown Public Domain! This week, their Kurt has a crush on the new tenor --a senior!
|
Oh yeah. Mohammed Ali taught his daughter to box.
|
|
This one time, Bill Haley and Little Richard got into it about who started rock and roll...
|
|
Poor Clark Kent. He's wandered into an "unknown public domain".
|
No diwwect twanswiptions of a Baba Wawa interwiew!! It's a weawwy impowtant wuwe!!
|
|
Dammit, how DOES Donald Trump get his hair to do that?
|
|
If you can't think of a good counter-argument, try hitting the paper with your fist.
|
How much to fill in the old sandtrap and dig a new one?
|
|
<sigh> I wish you'd called me. We're wearing the same shoes again!
|
|
Do you take your golf game with one lump, or 147?
|
That afternoon, the department sent out a team to find that place the boss said their heads were located.
|
|
Some men will do anything rather than admit their undies are chafing.
|
|
There are simply no excuses these days. ANYONE can fit in a yoga class!!
|
Harken to my song,
It shall not take such a time.
It be known as Ye Twiste
and doth proceede suchlike..
|
|
Antonio di Liberace wowed the crowds with his flashy clothes as well as his flashy harpsichord tinkling.
|
|
Hark! Tis smoke! I fear, yea verily, once more the ghastly Fire Over England!
|
Yes, the Vatican's changing with the times! Does this mean we can talk about a nice gray pinstripe on the next Pontiff?
|
|
While still at the London School of Economics, Mick Jagger said it should be "I can't get ANY satisfaction".
|
|
Since we can't get rid of that darn werewolf, let's do "Annie" for the spring musical and cast him as Sandy!
|
The founder of New Hair Club for Men gets served with this week's lawsuits.
|
|
Mr. X, we've processed your passport application. Apparently you have no fingerprints, first name, or hair.
|
|
We'll get our best blank page reader on it right away, Officer.
|
The weather this afternoon: partly sunny with a chance of soup showers over 24th St.
|
|
Just because you tipped for an outside table doesn't guarantee a good outside table.
|
|
Tonight on "The Biggest Loser": anything the Black & White Team doesn't spill on the tightrope walk, they get to eat!
|
The man on the left has channeled the spirit of Isadora Duncan and is dancing in praise of burning oregano leaves.
|
|
The party was hot! Or the chili on the stove was burning. Whatever, it was the most excitement Teaneck, NJ had seen.
|
|
They won't be laughing when their cheap elbow deodorant quits on them! "El-BEAUX"! Don't smell like a party pooper!
|
It was 1966, and those parents shut down a Monkees concert so fast that Davy Jones left behind his red maracas.
|
|
...and that was how the network cancelled "I Dream of Jeannie".
|
|
Real men bowl by tossing the pins at the balls.
|
Ah'm lookin' fer the man who shot my pa, an' made him into some kinda designer handbag.
|
|
See? Swords don't kill people. Crocodiles kill people! Got that, you pinko liberal Commie queers?
|
|
Ugh! Those alligators jumped off the shirts and went all Samurai! But only real Lacoste ones do it, so cuts are chic.
|
The men pondered just what it was to be fraternal triplets.
|
|
Actually, we found the werewolf months ago, but he's done wonders for the field hockey team! OK, he ate the captain.
|
In this remake of "Phantom of the Opera", Mickey Rooney tries to make a colouratura soprano out of Hugh Grant.
|
|
2035: Another Kardashian reality show. Bruce reads from his memoirs, Kris fits into a size 0 and Kim buries Husband #8.
|
|
On the Dumkopf Diet,you must listen to "The Folk Songs of New Jersey" daily. Sure to kill food cravings--see upper left!
|
He's in briefs. She's been wearing the same robe for over 100 years. Getting a reservation? Not on a Friday, anyway.
|
|
Well, the big guy said he liked heavy metal and French imports.
|
A little confusion about the meaning of "backhand".
|
|
This is why the Boy Scouts don't have a badge for tennis.
|
They tried to call a doctor after 4 hours but couldn't tap those itty bitty numbers.
|
|
Being one of the top sports fans in the country came at a terrible cost.
|
Honey, I refuse to sleep with you now that you've got a spiked head.
|
|
Yes! You too can learn to play Air Piano! Enroll now and get a photo of this man air-playing "Fur Elise"!
|
And another thing. Some guys just don't know how to wear a hat.
|
|
Never send a man to do an Avon Lady's job.
|
Privatizing NASA was a very bad idea.
|
|
It's Benny Craig's NEW weight-loss program!! Relax underwater, we send your meals through a tube! Amazing results!!
|
Ma'am, I don't care if you've only been here 10 minutes. Your horse is in a no-hitching zone with expired plates.
|
|
I called Alamo to rent a car. I don't care how the fighting's going in San Antonio.
|
Don't spread it around, but I hear the US authorized aid for French forces in northern Mali. Isn't that just dreamy?
|
|
I'm beginning to think "Guy" has a crush on one of us. What's with this giggle-place anyhow?
|
After Tom began exhibiting cranial quote marks, he had to go to a special school.
|
|
Archie won the Science Fair by making Reggie gain 500 lbs before the prom.
|
Lacoste figures, get 'em young and they're yours forever.
|
|
PBS dumps Barney for The Cajun Gator Chef. Looks like he an' Ratty-tooey's inspirin' right about -- NOW!
|
The new guy in the kitchen kept serving confetti, thrown from buckets, and making the rice vanish into thin air.
|
|
If a cream pie flies through the forest yet none hear it splat, what then is to be done with the seltzer bottle?
|
|
"Inner fulfillment" is not the same as "lunch with Ronald MacDonald". Even in the lotus position.
|
Nein! We all haf der yellow hair naturally! You vill ignore der vats of Fraulein Clairol. Ist requisitioned for cabaret.
|
|
Originally "The Producers" had a water ballet number at a Baden-Baden spa, with Soupy Sales in a mud bath.
|
Chuck Berry: the early days.
|
|
Well, go get one of Michael Jackson's other noses and then show me your Moonwalk.
|
|
Well, go get one of Michael Jackson's other noses and then show me your Moonwalk.
|
The "Etiquette for Wolves" class was not a success. Students gulped their food; also their napkins. And the waiters.
|
|
This nun taught me to fly with a big hatbrim, but she made me keep my legs crossed.
|
The Shouldersons couldn't send Biff off to State U without Grandpa's cardboard box!
|
|
They were an unattractive but extremely happy family with a fetish for overcoats.
|
|
Gee wiz! When Dad was Junior's age he'd had that same growth on his head. It was back here somewhere...Alice?
|
Paper Football,Part One: The Vision.
next: Part Two: The Flaws.
|
|
Today's body hair is brought to you by the letter H.
|
Hey girls! Get Barbie's Niteclub! Where Ken leads the band while Barbie sings and snorts cocaine! Hours of fun!
|
|
There goes the dame who stole the end of your nose.
|
Boys who really like you will wait if you say,"I'm sorry, I have to do time next Friday and three more years."
|
|
Paul Henreid was all wrong for the part of Gidget's prom date, but he could work without Clearasil.
|
In the Navy, the food goes right to your feet.
|
|
Todd Palin says: if Alaska can't secede, at least Alaskans can become unsuitable for military service.
|
The Third Reich attempted to make mobile phones, but never learned not to text and bomb London @ the same time.
|
|
Jah, im Der Volksgym is required goose-stepping on all der treadmills!
|
This stapler does not work. And furthermore, it just called me a horse's ass.
|
|
Before "talkies", Walt Disney tried sending telegrams to the audience.
|
I pick up a little extra as a part-time alarm clock.
|
|
No, I have no idea why we're wearing the handles to the side now. I just try to stay fashionable.
|
|
Well, now my head gets the Home Shopping Network!- and is that "Downton Abbey" great or what?
|
"But Sir, last week was a very good year."
|
|
Sooner or later he would have to stand and reveal that he had a piano stool for legs.
|
|
At Chez Le Merde du Chein, the waiters can properly shame any diner who asks for ketchup.
|
Ingrid Svensdottir and her lesbian lover Sprlle spend the Icelandic summer days perfecting the fructose-powered Chevy.
|
My Lord, When shedded wheat is invented it shall resemble thine beard.
|
|
Somehow Lord Melchett got his mail, although there was some fire over England and no postal service.
|
You lookin for some cheese? Our boss, he runs the cheese racket around here. Pays off the cats with Meow Mix.
|
|
The "dirty rats" over at Jimmy Cagney's place.
|
HAIRSPRAY: A WONDROUS GIFT FROM GOD was usually kept under lock and key.
|
|
At one time Natalie Wood took a course in juvenile delinquency, in case the movie career didn't work out.
|
Farmer Brown's heifers did so well in the Q & A, the judges asked them back for the evening gown competition.
|
|
Final exam at the Hicksville Beauty School was Mud Packs.
|
Due to the daily ballet class on the deck of the USS Baryshnikov, Ens. Curtis often stood in first position.
|
|
Before he was famous on "Sesame Street", Burt joined the Navy and met the Loch Ness Monster.
|
Tell your mother the best way for her to get more diamonds is to squeeze some of these with her butt, for eons. OK?
|
|
You're right! That's exactly what Santa put in your stocking, and weren't you a lucky girl keeping warm on Christmas?
|
I always travel by balloon now. Sure,you can't take much hand luggage but you can keep shampoo in your pockets.
|
Dammit,he'll never make the team if that's his idea of "suiting up"!
|
|
That's the last time I bust out'a the slammer for that two-timing postman!
|
Be sure you really want that tattoo. You're going to have it forever.
|
|
This page is removed from textbooks throughout the American South.
|
|
The 2-faced Brontosaurus Queenbitch can still be sited in habitats such as the urban cocktail party.
|
After they harvested every strand to make weaves for Tyra Banks, they would dump the victim with a VISA debit card.
|
|
Some dudes just can't handle a Tequila Sunrise.
|
|
Dead Bald Guy has been a feature of the Sunday buffet when in season.
|
The boss's attitude was very bad for morale.
|
|
Thing, beloved by Gomez and Morticia Addams, had cousins who liked to travel.
|
To induce labor, the patient received Mountain Dew intravenously and after 9 hours became the father of a plastic egg.
|
|
But the couch had received genes from both a spider and a Venus Flytrap. After 2 days, Andy tried to stand up. Then--
|
Not many people know it, but Dick and Pat Nixon met during Prohibition making rotgut liquor. Livers failed; love grew.
|
|
She was a tough-talking dame. She lived hard, and made an eggnog that could drop a man in his tracks.
|
|
Go ahead and shoot. I won't live in a world where Justin Bieber smokes marijuana!
|
..and so they were married in Vegas by a Santa impersonator. It was a 1-jingle-bell ceremony with 2 elves witnessing.
|
And Martians! Be sure to put one of your crockpot-hats in my bag for Dawnling; she's been a good girl, HO HO HO!
|
|
Not to complain, it WAS Christmas Eve, but didn't a tricycle through your head move you to the front of the line?
|
|
--but seriously, does the suit make me look fat?
|
Ask about our easy payment plan!-if you'd rather not get exposed on "Yoo Be Da Baby-daddy?"
|
|
This time of year you have to make reservations to get rooms overlooking the best freeway accidents.
|
Lois attempted a cover-up; Daddy was asleep on guard duty again.
|
|
--and if you tilt the visor just right, Ladies, you can use that shiny shield when you put on your lipstick!
|
Real men drink from hand grenades.
|
|
Razors! HAHAHA! Ain't no such thing. C'mon, whatch'all really do?
|
Don't mouth off to the waitstaff. You never know what they'll bring you when you ask for dessert.
|
|
Venus de Milo tried waiting tables but she always got fired after one shift.
|
Davy Jones' Locker is not some kind of old-time disco, Walker. Stop trying to take us there or lose your water-wings.
|
|
I don't care what some Village People told you, you're going below.
|
Capt. Vargas sketched the waitress. Surely painting her image on the bomber's nose required a few days out of combat.
|
|
...an' if we're airsick, Mum, we leans over an' sicks it up on Germany, we does. We aim to win the war by any means.
|
The GOP called. Saddle up, they want us to drive a real big herd over a fiscal cliff.
|
|
Boys,lookee here. Got a prototype for some real big hands the fans can take to ball games.
|
Captain Kangaroo,deserted by his old friends, drank heavily and was often forcibly removed from the better restaurants.
|
|
Psst...here are the alternate lyrics to "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". But please control yourself.
|
This stuff makes you go to the beach with a pretty lady and hold hands while you sit in two different bathtubs, wahoo!!!
|
|
We'll save Medicare MILLIONS if we stop printing labels on medicine bottles!
|
When addressing the rear end of a horse, it is customary to remove one's hat.
|
|
Bob Hope explaining How To Recognize a Meadow Muffin. He made this training film to beat a drunk driving rap.
|
For the Criminal Justice final, Greg acted out scenes from "Law and Order".
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Did you know daisies make a great afternoon snack? Actually,they don't. Eat something else! Geez, you guys.
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Hear that lil ole royal baby gon' come an rule my state once we secede. An after it's born. Til then we jes shoot.
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Been sleepin with one eye open ever since I saw that there vampire movie. I was 18 years old yesterday.
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Looks like you borrowed the hat from Sinatra and the face from DiMaggio. What a guy!
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The Big Combo was playing and no one was admitted without a hat.
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The Champ slipped in a puddle of Brylcreme and sprained his ankle.
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-but today's Americans demand a/c, room for four adults, seat warmers and a CD player. It'll never sell.
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Very good, Harrington! I see you're familiar with the "Look-Ma-No-Hands" technique.
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The real story behind the end of Twinkies: Billy Roy who ate 12 and thought he could fly.
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Junior creates a diversion so Pops can cut ahead in the line at the barber shop.
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Something he saw on television. This writing where the letters connect to each other.
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I'm working on a Frequent Flier program. See, that way I can earn extra miles and go visit the folks in San Diego.
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Fashion tip for wildlife: Black makes you look thinner.
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Our agent foils a plot to bombard the US with Hello Kitty toys,forcing unconditional surrender.
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Your quit-smoking-surefire-guaranteed method rots! I'm up to 3 packs a day and Big Joe burns his nose re-lighting butts!
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The First Lady wants to know, this Big Combo got something to do with cheeseburgers and fries? Start talking, fast.
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Mitt Romney bought the B&O Railroad, shut it down and then lectured the unemployed conductors for being lazy.
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The hairdresser did it.
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The gang that kidnapped Justin Bieber, combed his hair and made him a nice dinner while Ella called her grandaughter.
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Superman knew the editor was an alien when he saw him read the memo with the eyes on his fingers.
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Meeting @ GigTrig HQ: "Let's plunder Fleischer's 'Superman' again and pretend we didn't! Got that down?
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Permission to invent the fire escape,Your Majesty!
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Hearing there was a fire over England, Sir Alan prepared to toast marshmallows for the Royal Family.
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There's a knighthood in this for you. You're the only one who called the bleedin' fire department.
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We fed this space alien lots of rancid leftover stuffing. Let's see who notices!
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On this planet the V:)2z+%s wear the makeup and heels, and we don't like to share.
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Damn! Forgot to set my head to record the game. Now Tracy, did you hide the manual again? <sigh> It's getting old, kid.
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Gracias a Dios, Senor Rove he does not give thanks today to his evil god.
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Baruch attah Adonai...
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Charlie never recalled that morning without an odd, mysteriously dangerous smile.
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Once you can read the paper while hovering in mid-air, you'll leave so much room under the desk for the farm animals.
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One last Twinkie binge.
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Janey was the one who always had Midol in her locker and everyone knew it.
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Your very own teenager may be spreading BIEBER FEVER.
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Debbie was beginning to suspect that Allen and Biff were keeping secrets from her.
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Chin augmentation had given Lars a new and amusing speech impediment.
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Politics in this town are so dirty they're guaranteed not to pass a white glove test.
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Fleischer, Schmeischer, just watch the hell out for Superman.
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Ann Coulter at her weekend job.
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Tammy Bakker was my inspiration. Ask your daddy to tell you about her and buy you some mascara, hon. Wholesale.
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To pay off student loans, Izzy rented himself out as furniture.
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My agent says to finish my book ASAP--everyone's just dying to read about my affair with General Petraeus!
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Didst I not see thee at the Queen's beheading? Prithee, I meant the most glorious afterparty.
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Well as long as that damned fire's still burning, organise a marshmallow roast and a group sing. And bring my lute!
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Kirstie Alley was living proof that even lots of Scientology sessions could not "audit" the pounds away.
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Sports Illustrated Calendar,2013: Ugly Bathing Suit Edition.
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OK, so Brad took his little sister to an R-rated movie! He made her stand on her head the whole time, OK?
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Honorable Mother,do you mean you also are having an affair with the round-eye Petraus?
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So you are actual human female woman! Please to introduce girlfriend I invent in laboratory. Maybe we make double-date!
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A freight elevator is a wonderfully forward-thinking locale for a piano bar.
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Yeah, Streisand's been called a lot of things, but she never gave in to the pressure to have a nose job.
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Russell Brand got a complete makeover! Got a crewcut and shave; tossed the hippie clothes; now he's a Mormon w/ 2 wives!
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Umm-hello? You folks didn't need to cut Gov. Romney into all those pieces. The voting machines worked after all!
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Can't hear you,dude! I just got CABLE-HEAD and it's streaming Bieber fever!
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I'm never late to the party with my new ALARM-HEAD!! (TM)
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Karl Rove? You just missed him. He took off for the home planet after he said that thing about Ohio.
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Sarah Palin selects new running mate, re-enters politics.
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Karl Rove blames this guy's looks on the Democrats.
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They ran from the Scientologists--straight into the arms of the Moonies!
No shopping mall entrance is safe!
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Pat Robertson warned that gay marriage would lead to this.
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Alternative methods of childbirth, #726: scaring the unborn out of the womb. Also known as the "BOO!!" method.
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Dr. Phil's not allowed to make house calls anymore.
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The singing telegram was sure to be a hit, once the regular kind was invented.
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Ach du Lieber! I have invented Country und Western music!
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Dawg!That was pitchy, Dawg, but you changed it up and made it your own! Which don't mean the same as "Good", Dawg.
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Wilbur said a little prayer for Mr. Ed.
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Son, when I was alive I was Walter Cronkite. America trusted me. Then the Zombies ate the brains at FOX...
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I've got every one of the Zombies ready to cast a write-in vote for Big Bird.
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Sure, it's affordable, but do you really want to go to PlasticSurgeons R Us ?
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Word got out fast when Rhiannha wasn't seeing Chris Brown.
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Well, it takes your attention away from his big ears.
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Daggers are being worn close to the ear this season.
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Wayne Newton realized he'd never have another hit song with a catchy German title.
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A sulky Biff on the "Back To The Future" set, after he saw the future and he wasn't in the movies there.
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They're making book on Mitt's hair moving in the hurricane.
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Every time 'e 'as a few 'e says 'e was the one what introduced that Ray Davies to our Lola.
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Kiss my unknown public domain,you fool!
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What a strange place to keep a bag of pistachios.
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It's the new air freshener you tie on your cat!
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Katy Perry and Micheal Stipe were forced at gunpoint to sing with Kathie Lee on her morning show.
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Yep, Clint Eastwood was talking to the furniture again.
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So THAT'S Mormon underwear.
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At last! The Museum of Gout HAS to admit, this is a beaut!
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Ludvig attempts to goose-step while he creates photojournalism on goose-stepping, to save time.
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Carroll O'Connor led a cast of thousands through "Hurray For Bigots!", which closed out of town.
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Sir Cedrick enjoys a recent gift from Merlin's Magicke Bagge,discreetly concealed by his cloak.
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Sir Mitt doth possess the oddest underclothes. Marry, he fancies them bewitched!
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You mean there's STILL a fire over England? No way!
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In "The Magic Mormon Underwear Mystery", Holmes reads the washing instructions on the huge itchy tags. "Pixie dust?"
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In "The Magic Mormon Underwear Mystery", Holmes reads the washing instructions on the huge itchy tags. "Pixie dust?"
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Indeed,Holmes,those Yanks seem quite upset about our partnership.Excepting NY,DC and VT of course.
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Indeed,Holmes,those Yanks seem quite upset about our partnership.Excepting NY,DC and VT of course.
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Well,at least Ferd could truly say he'd slept with both Michael and Farrah.
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Michael Jackson wanted to be one of Charlie's Angels. It might've happened, but he kept grabbing his crotch, not a gun.
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Rod tried to copy the hairstyles of his idols,but his hair quit on him.
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Heinrich knew he should arrest the Teddy Roosevelt impersonator,but a strange longing prevented him.
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The new,updated version of "Clue" includes racial mass murder.
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Thinks:if I find Captain Spaulding, I'll suggest staying in the jungle til further notice.
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The Olsen twins bring out their new "International Terrorist" collection. Bombs sold seperately.
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Two women Romney labels "bad influences".If elected he promises to ban public coffee drinking.
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Two women Romney labels "bad influences".If elected he promises to ban public coffee drinking.
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I must wear this hollowed-out boulder on my head to show submission.
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Are you really short? Are you having a bad hair day? Try new Pantene For Dwarves!
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If you liked the "Happy Face", betcha gonna love the "Duh" face.
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If you liked the "Happy Face", betcha gonna love the "Duh" face.
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Mayor Bloomberg cracked down on the Supersize Pepperoni with every little greasy bit sewn on!
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It's that guy who sang "Sukiyaki"! Call Grandma-san!
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It's that guy who sang "Sukiyaki"! Call Grandma-san!
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Please to enter,Honorable Father has left teeth in moo shu pork!
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Kathie Lee touring sweatshop? Please,please, must kill right away now!
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Cover for me, I've gotta go be Baby's older sister in "Dirty Dancing".
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In "The Mystery of the Ugly School Uniforms", Nancy Drew resolves to get into a series with a better clothes allowance.
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The Spice Girls actually met up in reform school. Here, Posh and Sporty plan a knife fight with Boy George.
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2025: Justin Bieber pitching ideas for a Comeback Tour.
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Carl dressed as Mark Phelps for the office Halloween party--and got the day wrong.
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Torso Toupees! No one misses the hair up there,not when you're sporting 1 or 2 of our finest products! 100% squirrel.
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For the "Frasier" reunion special, Frasier and Lilith re-marry, causing Niles to bite off his own arm.
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I said NO to the ladder motif !! Ladders are SO over !!
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You--YOU put Nair in Mr. Candy's shampoo!
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Come on out an' explain cavemen packin' heat to them Intelleegint Dee-zyne fellers, you dadgum %^&@!! you !!
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He didn't know if there was a saber-toothed tiger in there, or a symphony orchestra. But he was ready for either one.
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The early days of laser-eye surgery.
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I dunno, who got Steven Tyler to sing the national anthem?
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Did either of you see where the fortune went? Awww...
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By the end of The Hunger Games,Max was enjoying almost anything with a little mustard.
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Dumb clown,trying to Moonwalk with TWO gloves.
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DeVito and Pearlman, before they lost the magic.
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DeVito and Pearlman, before they lost the magic.
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Rush Limbaugh will have plenty to say to the Dittoheads about tonight's debate.
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Unsanitary manicurists had left Frank with just one pinky nail--but it had the strength of ten. With acrylic tips!
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Who ordered the caramel decaf skim milk latte, no foam?
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Okay, this'll keep Romney's hair shellacked till the election.
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Even a Charlie Chan impersonator could see the new bank teller needed watching.
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That Shelly Berman-- he'd do his stand-up act anywhere.
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Work stops at the Transylvania High senior occult lab when the Dean morphs into a barn owl and hunts for mice.
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We've converted Romney's car elevator to Section 8 housing.Let's see if Ann notices...
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see, we found affordable housing downtown.
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you didn't think justin bieber did his own puking at rehearsals,did you-- stars have people to do that for them.
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jenny craig is actually kurt putzkopf, former ss officer, shown here testing the program on a ukranian p.o.w.
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It didn't work but it did make Rudolfo consider plastic surgery.
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Before singing telegrams, Western Union messengers used to just holler at people.
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Herr Saxe experimented, refining his "saxophone".
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sir dino and joey the bishop of ye packe of rattes.
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the tea party isn't what it used to be.
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i've seen captain kangaroo.
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-you should've thought of that before you had your fun.
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Your lips tell me "no-no", but --well, your eyes are doing sort of a pinwheel thing and your pulse is weak. Oh, ick.
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"Glee" used to have that effect on me, too. Corky? There's no such place as Lima, Ohio!
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Rev. Moon actually started his cult in 1890. Sadly, John Barrymore loved one of the 1st "Moonies" to no avail.
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America needs you, Hare-y Truman. What? Well, change parties, or I'll--you want me to WHAT?
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Now here's someone who can explain the Republican platform on affordable housing...
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Well it's the best I can do since our DISH receiver went down.
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Be glad you don't work for the Romney campaign. Nothing stronger than herbal tea brewing inthe pot-heads over there!
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We don't get coffee breaks anymore. We wear the pots on our heads and connect IVs straight to the jugular vein.
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You better not be trying to hold my hand, either!
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Gee, I dunno, Freddy. Why do you think no one plays nice with the President here in Republicanland?
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So why do YOU think Obama's not in this picture?
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Honey, since you admitted to wearing my clothes I feel we're closer. So I can ask you to help with the damn dishes.
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Same-sex marriage was finally legal on Planet Sspppi%, after a long messy court struggle as they had 7 or 8 sexes.
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Simon and Garfunkel had bitter fights, in any era.
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Returning from the war without legs,Sir Clive must fight the receptionist from "The Bob Newhart Show" for new ones.
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T'was said that Arthur of Murray could teach any to dance. Mayhap a witch hexed Sir Nigel of the Two Lefte Feete.
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You know, even if we lose the war, Das Americans will still eat our lumpy food mit all der fat und gristle.
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Finalists @ The Village People auditions. "At Der Stalag" didn't portray the right image, but these guys were so butch!
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Backstage @ "The Sound of Music": Suuurre, she's 16 going on 17. A lil more schnapps, Fritzie? Now go kiss a nun.
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Another heat wave? Why not COOK DINNER ON YOUR HEAD?!Call 1-800-POT-HEAD for the slow cooker you can wear!
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Outtakes from the "Band on the Run" cover shoot: The Frito Bandito, Harry Shearer, and Marty Feldman,SCUBA-jailbreaking.
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One of the Bee Gees' first gigs, entertaining a Royal Navy submarine crew. Oops, looks like Barry's just met a lobster!
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Someday, my leetle jalapeno, we get revenge on dee Yanquis for takeeng dees land! Until den dee salsa es muy caliente!
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How do you tell Dad you're so hung-over, just LOOKING at the pizza topping list at Penny's Sloppy Pie Shop gets you ill?
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J-Lo made a bad move, leaving "Idol". Endorsing cheap jewelry ruined her looks. She was lucky to work lounges in Reno.
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"Idiot! I wanted to look like Mary Pickford but you let the curling iron overheat!"
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Zach Galifianakis, Kevin James,and Vince Vaughn just finished lunch. I gotta do the dishes. Flog me if I wilt."
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"It's for you. It's Harpo Marx."
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Here are Casper's not-so-friendly cousins. They scare kids who like to pee in community center pools.
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Vamper the reindeer was suffering from a severe case of mange, and had to be quarantined.
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The HotPoint Gas Flames were headed to NYC for a comeback when their car broke down in Montclair, NJ.
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"Fire over Blighty, eh? No need to be glum, chums--we'll SING! 'Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile..'"
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There was fire over England, and soon there was fire in the Duchess' hair as well.
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"Gawd I wish someone would invent the underwire bra!"
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"Honey, I tried selling it as fertilizer, but look what happened to the grass! BWAHAHAHA! Let's wax your chest tonight!"
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For the fall, Oscar de la Mierda sees big clown bow ties and big clown feet. He's "loco" for that Bozo look! We are too!
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"Hi-dee-hi-dee-hi! This stuff'll get you HIGH-dee-HIGH-dee-HIGH! I sell this hooch to Minnie the Moocher!"
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"ANOTHER marriage proposal? Think it's the uniform? It makes George over there go all swoony."
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The Commissioner's toupee is missing? Hey Joe, you take that thing for a walk? HARHARHAR say what? Quicher kidding, Joe-
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The rookie was a nice kid. Just--every time the guys were stumped, he'd start making suggestions from "Detective Comix".
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"Don't you guys knock? The colorists haven't finished with me. Go wait in the next scene."
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"Esto hombre es el famoso Groucho Marx?"
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"Yes, I saw the NO SMOKING signs, but I'm here to do FDR impressions."
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"..and the miso soup, 2 California rolls, and--say, you get fresh octopus in El Paso?"
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"Lissen here, Clem. The star decal an the black hats ain't enough for us to pass for them Brooklyn rabbis. Think,boy!"
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"Uhh, yep, we're doin' the GigTrig thang with the Ouija board. Spirit comin' through! Over and out."
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Notice her hair stays perfect under even the deadliest circumstances? Try GLOPPEE hairgel! Your style's safe with us!
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This is what happens if you don't get to the airport 8 hours before takeoff time and let Security totally grope you.
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Endorsements at the London Olympics are beyond belief! Here's a gymnast in head-to-toe Prada, attempting her routine!
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"'Stick it up your ass', hey, good one! By the way, once the moon comes up, I'm a werewolf. Just so you know!"
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"Is this a finger on my hand or am I just glad to see you? Oh, $%&!! I mean, is that a pocket in my coat--wait, I mean-"
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Walt Disney giving some very personal direction to Hayley Mills on the unfinished "That Darn Brigitte Bardot!"
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"That coat is just divine, dear. IF you want to look like a young Groucho! Please! I refuse to go anywhere with you!"
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Dr. Caligari was always leaving his man-bag in the cabinet.
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"I'm auditioning for the lead in 'Toad of Toad Hall'. I've got the face for it, don't you know."
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"I say, Reece--you've invented the first Piece!"
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Mitt Romney fired most of the design committee and downsized the Olympic gold medals. The savings went to the Caymans.
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Hey, golden eggs are fun. Just don't try to pay your bar tab with 'em. The exchange rate is terrible.
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Gepetto made some more stuff when Pinnochio didn't feel like painting the house.
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With two of the kids in school, Marge Simpson did a little modeling now and then.
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You think "Now appearing at The Blue Room" sounds better than "Now Appearing at The Kinda-Looks-Like-a-Creamsicle-Room"?
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"Well, what do you expect when you eat a sourball this big?"
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"You don't know what it's like to play the concertina. It's the best damn feeling in the world, that's what it is!"
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While the catcher brags,Joe DiMaggio daydreams of coffee makers yet to be.
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Before the Jolly Green Giant, Birdseye tried the Happy Blue Person with a Gland Problem. His creator was quickly fired.
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The Monopoly Man fell on hard times after the Crash. Here he searches for dropped coins on a very Blue Monday in 1931.
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Poor Elmer Fudd! He'd followed that wascally wabbit into Pepperland and Bwoo Meanies were attacking! Wook out ev'wybody!
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"Hey! You can dress retro from any era and look ugly, ya big Stupid! So the 90s was bad. Lookit Ms 70s Hippie there!"
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Peter Pan told the people to clap their hands and save the fairies! Too bad this was a bunch of major homophobes.
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Sharon Stone defending herself from tabloid reporters who printed that she has never worn underwear in her life.
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"Got a little place back at the garbage can. Care to join me for half an Oreo?"
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Definitely the new place for flies to have a drink and meet other flies, with a great view of the sink!
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"Flight 1230, you'll have to keep circling the tower til the others have finished re-fueling, do you read me?"
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If you want breakfast, put on the Carmen Miranda suit. We all look alike to the tourists.
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When the Gringo Ernesto Hemingway comes from his hotel, we will tell him we are the macho men of Havana. Yes, even you.
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Peter O'Toole woke up hung-over and wondering why Desi Arnaz Sr. was singing a song about a cockroach.
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We've replaced all the peasants' clothing with long underwear. Let's see who notices!
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The grand opening of "Turkey Legs Flambe 2 Go!" dissolved into a riot when a vat of gravy exploded.
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It was the 4th day after the big storm and still no power! Things were getting ugly in the Land of Make Believe.
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The great detective woke to find his toupee missing. As was Watson. But Watson's brown suit contained a certain Mario.
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Holmes waited politely as his spy delivered the news in the form of a popular song medley.
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Coming soon: "The Case of the Crummy Cagney Impersonator"! At your local theaters!
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VOGUE's latest issue features the new black & blue look, chic yet sickly.
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In Margaret Hamilton's 1st screen test for the Wicked Witch role, she was blue, and wore a man's suit. No one knows why.
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Back in those days, we knew the meaning of the blues. Navy, teal,turquoise-we knew'em all, kid, and we were great.
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"Well, I always describe myself as someone with a terrific smile!"
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You mean, EVERYBODY gets Obamacare?
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Kim Kardashian gets ready for her morning makeup routine.
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"My friend the dish here is running away with a darling little spoon. More ale for me, and a hot water and soap for him.
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Nothing at The Olde Pigge and Turde looked safe to eat, so they drank a bottle of Aunt Jemima's pancake syrup together.
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ROGER DALTREY FILTHY OLD EUROPEAN INN TOUR 2012 TIX ONSALE NOW
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The mirror had been on strike for two days now.
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"What's this? One of my virgin sisters has just given birth! It's a miracle!"
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Jimmy Durante started out young,as part of the family act.
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"Do not tell me you made this in the Year of the Snake! This reeks from the Year of the Rat!"
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Meanwhile, in Happy Lotus Golden Dragon Factory, Ling and Chan concoct bucket of glue for next ton of WalMart chairs.
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"That's funny, you don't look Jewish."
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"The black contact lenses and eye makeup; is that a fashion statement or just plain devil worship?"
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"Cable television is a mighty big responsibility, son. Are you sure you're man enough?"
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"My English much better is now, please I can marry Kardashian lady?"
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Ever notice how you never see Clark Kent and Stan Smith in the same room?
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Clark Kent spotted Superman's Carnival counterpart, El Hombre Fabuloso.
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Tom Cruise AND his ego rode in the same helicopter to the movie premiere!
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"I need to chat with the werewolf. Why don't you take a nap in the crypt? You look like you haven't seen a ghost."
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"Our new designer, Jacques Filth, works mostly with old bedsprings and things he finds in dumpsters. So daring!"
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"Well, I can see why you call it the Econo-Lodge."
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It's the world's smallest manicurist! Break a nail? Take him anywhere for on-the-spot repairs! Complete w/ travel case!
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The Ritz, Hilton, and Trump chains are admitting to a new infestation. These pests don't bite but they do steal jewelry.
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Yes, the rumors are true: Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from Tom Cruise.
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"I'm the kid's manager, and I say the time is right for a Frankie Avalon impersonator to clean up in this town."
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"LBJ shoulda gone easy on Jerry Ford. Walking and chewing gum at the same time: you ever try it? Hey, be careful!"
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"We need some Adult Education. Teach us to tie a Windsor knot,will ya? Do it slow, my hat's on real tight."
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"If you're going out there as Cindy Crawford, the mole has to be closer to your upper lip, Jeff."
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"Afraid an extra close shave won't do it, Biff. You're just too old to stay here at Penn State."
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Then one day, Ed Asner caught Mary Tyler Moore backstage before she had her makeup done...
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The Crappytown Community Band never knew what to do once it ran out of real instruments and had to improvise.
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For a small fee, the judge waived the trial and just banged the gavel, I mean, AX, read the sentence and killed the guy.
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I hear tell the Pony Express wants to cut out them Saturday deliveries. Saves a bundle fightin Injuns jes 5 days a week.
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After Luigi installed the booth there, you could park, make a hit, get blackmail prints made, for a very reasonable fee!
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Back when the neighborhood was restricted, Sammy disguised his kosher hot dog stand.
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Are you a rodent? Do you have a safe driving record? Then see how much you can save at Big E's Famous Parking!
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"Say goodbye to your Earth fans, Kathie Lee. The nice alien is taking you to his home planet. You can sing there, OK?"
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"AAIIEE!! The walls are so thin, a Peeping Tom can watch us act out our bizarre fantasies!"
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Cherry Ames, Student Nurse, 1955: " You're in the wrong era for anorexia, hon. We gotta get some saturated fats in you!"
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"Charades" got ugly fast when "The Scream" attacked "The Thinker" who didn't know much about art but he knew thinking.
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Not all Smurfs can be in the videos. Especially Coachy Smurf. There's this lawsuit--well, it's a long story.
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The Masks of Comedy and Tragedy: behind the scenes, it ain't all Shakespeare, know what I mean?
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The new chef's Pasta Primavera was having an unusual effect on the customers.
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"We're so glad you let us set you up on this blind date! Her name is Fljrx and she lives on Saturn!"
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"That's Nessie in the shower stall. Best not to disturb her while she's conditioning her scales."
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"See that babe on the screen? That's the Boopster, kid. Betty Boop. Learn from her, you'll be a big star in 2nd grade."
|
|
"You notice they keep saying 'A Max Fleischer cartoon' instead of 'Fleischer's Superman'? Wazzup with that?"
|
|
"Someday Walt Disney will create 'It's a Small World After All' and employ us stunted people with peanut-shaped heads!"
|
"Watson! I have just been informed you are also employed by Harrod's as a shop window mannequin!"
|
|
"Extraordinary books from America, Watson. It seems there are a variety of shades of grey to be catalogued."
|
|
"Inform the President of Hair Club For Men that he is about to meet the Hound of the Baskervilles."
|
Jack dropped acid and wrote the script for the Monkees' movie.It was months till people stopped running away from him.
|
|
"Which is it gonna be, Jack Nicholson imitations or blonde jokes?"
|
|
..such animal magnetism...but, is that dandruff? No, it's mange. The moon is full, you can see--WHAT? AAAIIEEE!!!
|
Vampires make better anchors on the late news: they can stay in the crypt past sundown and grab a blood before airtime.
|
|
"Attn Americans: pandering to your geographical ignorance, the map behind me is all blurry. Is that Nigeria? Who knows?"
|
|
Mister Rogers had an evil twin who had plans to dominate the neighborhood. Here he advises Friday XIII to abdicate.
|
Aliens from Planet Coppertone search for the "tanning mom". Goal: exchange intelligence, ride flying saucer back home.
|
|
Chico Marx often traveled around LA in a large silver bowl, which amazed the local sumo wrestlers.
|
|
The butchest babes on the block wear DIESEL DYKE lip gloss. New! from easy, breezy, lesbian Cover Girl.
|
"FYI, human brains are found here. Unless the subject is a member of the Tea Party, in which case, check the posterior."
|
|
Alice Cooper has an amazing makeup artist. The guy works magic, I tell ya.
|
|
Since Michael Phelps started smoking like the rock stars, he wants to come out to the pool like one of them, too.
|
It's the PBS bi-monthly pledge drive!! For a donation of just $10,000, get a copy of the piece of paper seen here!!
|
|
Shakespeare,I sought from thee a tale:'Majesty, twas an amusing thing occurred on my way to Parliament'.No mad kings.
|
|
Immovable hair went back many many years in the Romney family, and the magic spell was not often shared.
|
|
"My coat has a built-in chair. Of course, walking is difficult."
|
"In the jungle, the mighty jungle...now you do the 'o-wim-o-wey' part--we'll be a smash at the concert party!"
|
|
"You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din! What? Well, bring Mr. Din to the phone, will you?"
|
|
"Damn and blast, I want to read for the part of Captain Spaulding! Can't have the Jews taking over Hollywood!"
|
"Noah here ain't so tough. He just forgets which way the saddle horn goes some of the time."
|
|
Ralph Lauren suggests grimy plaids this season.
|
|
"Gather round, boys. Steve Harvey needs some more advice for that there new book a his."
|
After Barbie dumped Ken, he started making extra-long chopsticks.
|
|
"If you're here about a heart-shaped swimming pool, talk to me!"
|
|
Jane Seymour's latest "open heart" jewelry caused fainting and stomach upsets at the mall.
|
|
Hallmark's new line of valentines was shockingly graphic.
|
Tyler, you see the men coming from that rocket ship? Stay away from them. They were 'coaches' on your home planet."
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|
"Very good, Becky! That IS the planet where the beauty pageant mommies come from!"
|
|
"Mr. Weirdo, the picture's so much better when you stand in the corner. We'll tell you what Dr. Oz said about kidneys."
|
Clarence Thomas has a past he doesn't care to discuss.
|
|
Naomi Campbell was going to interview new assistants the next day, as sure as she could hit a target with a cell phone.
|
|
It was early in Ru Paul's career, and not everyone was hip.
|
I am NOT creating a Facebook account for this.
|
|
Donald Trump started breeding penguins.
|
|
Betcha can't even tell it's a piece, right?
|
When you see a cactus boot-scootin' @ the fiesta, ask yourself if maybe you've had too much tequila.
|
|
Izzy the Kosher Dill never moved a lot of pickles in Texas, but everyone said he was a heckuva dancer.
|
|
Gumby only did this one cause he seriously needed the money. 3 ex-wives and a Palimony suit,you know.
|
I'm familiar with the condition. Appalling lack of wit, preoccupation with body functions. It's called Turfwhispering.
|
|
I don't smoke, I just think the pipe makes people think I'm smart.
|
|
On the bright side, if the world ends in December, we won't have to hear from Dr. Oz anymore.
|
|
I don't think it went far enough in Wisconsin. I'd still like to see all union members flogged in public.
|
This dude Turfwhisperer in here keeps pointing and laughing. Then he talks about poop. Somebody get me outa here!
|
|
You gotta understand,I had it rough. Our cave was in a bad neighborhood.
|
|
"The DA showed the jury a cave painting of me stealing the first wheel."
|
|
"OK, but at least I've got a river view.Still, drapes and a carpet would make the place cozy, don't you think?
|
Ice cream vendors are going for a more upscale look this season.
|
|
"OK boys, you close the 1st half, and if you forget your lines, I wrote them on Sam's fingernails."
|
|
Bing fumed. The studio had sliced the budget for "The Road to WalMart".Bob Hope was out, Moe Howard was in.
|
Of all the themes suggested for Charlie's bar mitzvah, "poor Mexican pueblo" had to be the worst.
|
|
The Romneys felt it best that their gardener retire ASAP.
|
|
"Dios mio! Living in the Alamo has given me a most wonderful idea for a chain of restaurants!"
|
"Look, I think the two of you are adorable, but if Romney wins you're in big trouble."
|
|
Your friend the innkeeper wanted him to decide: "Tastes Great" or "Less Filling"? Well, I hope you're happy!
|
|
But Father, he took no notice of me until I cursed him with the pox and set his house aflame.
|
"Everybody comes in here. Do you know what I had to tip the spoon? Oh yeah, I told him you were Drew Carey."
|
|
"Relax, guys. We'll have a nice hot soak before dinner."
|
|
Carrot Top has his fans, but no one's ever accused him of being a sophisticated type.
|
Za#rn%kq thought his human beatnik disguise was perfected but he never could control his antennae around superb xhoo?P.
|
|
Debby Reynolds stars in "Land of the Jews". Here she answers the musical question, "Are You Tough Enough For Rye Bread?"
|
|
Olivia let it slip out that John takes his hair off at night, hahaha, then forgot all about it til she saw the tabloids.
|
The International Overly-Optimistic Alpen Climbers brought along NO specialized equipment!
|
|
The old stoner counselors at Camp Liomadolly never got tired of the campfire skit about buying the world a Coke.
|
|
Happy Holidays from the Jolie-Pitts, Christmas 2020!!
|
"And these are the pants that were too tight before I tried the Loco Hombre All-Tequila Diet!"
|
|
Wyatt's imitation of his Aunt Maud in her petticoats was just a little too good, if you know what I mean.
|
|
That's one hell of a Funky Chicken dance, and I'll be damn proud to buy you a drink.
|
Klaus! The BBC reports our Fuhrer is missing one testicle und the other is in their Albert Hall!
|
|
The Streisand Film Festival is cancelled.
|
|
Nein, it is just young Rolf, ach, he makes with the singing und the telegrams to the von Trapps like a big sissy.
|
The professor was determined to invent some protection. No one was safe from amateur drinkers after sundown.
|
|
Bartholomew & the Oobleck, Pt II: Bartholomew's Pre-Packaged Liquid Diet Shakes.
|
|
Trickle-down Economics: A Beginner's Guide.
|
You save so much when you travel business class, but how many Earth-days before your neck un-kinks?
|
|
When the circus arrives on the planet Gliirq/, the clown cars are always a big hit.
|
|
DEVO tries for a comeback.
|
They'll surrender that there Chi-Chi's all right, once they run outa kosher salt for Margaritas, hehheh.
|
|
Boys, if y'all play "Hava Nagila" it's got to be done so's everybody can do the Texas 2-Step with it.
|
|
This looks like a job for The Lone Rabbi! Quick, find 10 Jewish men for a minyan!
|
"No, I'm Candice Bergen. Murphy Brown had that baby. Not ME. Jeez."
|
|
"Good cop-bad cop" doesn't mean you cross your eyes and act stupid, Morrie.
|
|
Before "Cagney and Lacey", the network tried "Cagney and Durante".
|
Which girl has stolen my copy of "50 Shades of Gray?"--which I am translating into Mandarin for the mental exercise."
|
|
5 demerits for sleepwalking during my lecture on the dangers of Bing Crosby's music, Miss Owens.
|
|
Some bitch from Kansas dropped a house on my sister!
|
I regret to inform you, I found no proof of Bain job creation. Please submit my fee in pounds sterling old money.
|
|
This is a prescription for the special tobacco I require. Now stop sniffing it and fetch me enormous quantities.
|
|
In "The Cholesterol Case", Paula Deen time-travels with her recipes for deep-fried pork parts, sure to kill instantly.
|
Before "Magnum PI" was a hit, Tom Selleck was a stand-in for a Great Dane in those pictures of poker-playing dogs.
|
|
And so the 3rd Reich planned to bomb the Albert Hall and retrieve a bit of Hitler which gave the Brits much amusement.
|
|
Alfie Two Times said he didn't know nothing about this Mr. Peanut guy's dissapearance and this was getting annoying.
|
You realize an advanced technology's gonna replace all this someday. Like papyrus.
|
|
I'm here for my "before" picture. I'm going in for caps and a tusk job next week.
|
|
Do you do bar mitzvahs? Wonderful. How are you for the 25th next month? We booked a cave with a view of the tar pits.
|
Riccardo, please soothe the rebels with a song. Then my guards can round them up and I'll have a nice nap.
|
|
My rank grants me a rare view of the beheadings.
|
|
And so Mitt and Ann lulled the voters to sleep, and took everyone far into the past as they dreamed of tax loopholes.
|
The GW Bush White House had a limo just like this one.
|
|
The Ford Tandem came from the same designers who gave the world the Edsel. It had a TV and wet bar in the front seat.
|
|
Ernest Borgnine only took the part because he really needed the money. And he got to keep the shoes.
|
Yes, I'm auditioning for the part of Wiggles the Performing Seal. OK if I just sign in with an "X"?
|
|
No, I hate SPOO Soapsuds, but I'll sign your petition if I get to use that extra-long pen!
|
|
Uhh, sure, Maestro. The fairy orchestra in the brambles needs to take it from--there. Do they have your pills, too?
|
|
Here's the schedule of fines for ripping off famous comics. Lessee, Marx Bros--ooohh, that's gonna cost ya, DarkRat!
|
Stop the damn whistling, Dora. Lassie's not coming.
|
|
If only my cousin the Colonel was here! He'd handle these guys with his secret recipe. 11 herbs and spices.
|
|
Superman overslept again. There he goes, in the shorts marked TUESDAY.
|
No, Cyril says why bring me flowers when there's one growing out of the top of my head? He has strong feelings about it.
|
|
Prithee, Wise Woman, hast Thou a spell? For the Devil hath goosed my husband.
|
|
Sir Laurence Olivier discovers he has accidentally married a clown.
|
It's on the Mayan calendar. Really.
|
|
Kirk! Spock! Uhura! Come back, our galaxy's gone Vegas!
|
|
The Supreme Court announced that teaching "creation science" has to include EVERYONE's version.This one goes first.
|
Sometimes she could hear the trains...running beneath the city streets...she thought she was going mad.
|
|
OMG. The skin caviar must not be working cause Becca was looking so deeply --lined.
|
|
Coming this July: THOSE LITTLE TINY ALBINO ALLIGATORS FROM THE NYC SEWERS!! Better be careful when it rains. BWAHAHA!!
|
Little Shop of Horrors, Pt.II:That forsythia was growing awful fast. Jim? Where did you get that--AAAAIIIEEEE!!!!
|
|
But enough about the Kardashians.
|
|
We've switched Alice's favorite shampoo with new BLURG,the brand that gives you split ends! Let's see who notices!
|
"Lord Stooge: What sayeth thou?
Minion Stooge: Hail, Moe! To thee, nyuk!
Earl of Fine: Thus begins the smiting!"
|
|
Rachael Ray never tells all her secrets, you know. That's why her scrummy yummies turns out so damn delish!
|
|
"Run, Dick, run. Look, Jane. See Dick run."
|
"Well, we've never had anyone play the comb-and-tissue-paper on 'America's Got Talent'. Do you do any Justin Bieber?"
|
|
Melvin enjoyed hitch-hiking to work. He always had his huge rubber thumb handy in case he wanted to go out to lunch.
|
|
To show her who was the bigger star, Dick Van Dyke used to make Mary Tyler Moore answer his fan mail.
|
Though they all suffered from Early-onset Dementia,the fans still loved their Village People.
|
|
Hedy Lamarr helps Clark Gable fake a disguise so he can pass as an older, myopic Clark Gable and fool the Nazis.
|
|
Maxine Andrews breaks away from Patty and Laverne on the USO tour when she suspects an officer has frozen to death.
|
Col. Hamlin Jefferson Leghorn has this rooster who walks and talks just like him.
|
|
Boys, my son's made a basket of fried chicken and apple pie an sure hopes you bid to share it with him at the social.
|
|
Joe Bob was just darn proud he'd tied the dang thing round his neck. Round the collar was gonna take awhile.
|
Turned out, Reese wasn't Legally Blonde after all. Manicures chip fast in The Big House.
|
|
It's Lindsay Lohan, Sir. She said she didn't really steal Officer Burns; she just borrowed him for a few hours.
|
|
They threw the book at Madonna for talking in that fake British accent again.
|
How much did you shell out for those cheek implants?
|
|
I know: you came as Bing Crosby in "High Society". I'm Groucho as Captain Spaulding. Pretty good, huh?
|
|
Yachting cap by Claude Fabu,$995. Sweater, McGrabby, $2000. Belted tunic, avoir,$5021. Model, $10,000 and gram of coke.
|
If her Dad didn't quit singing "Piink Cad-ill-ac, cruisin on the street", little Carrie was gonna do that thing again.
|
|
WARNING: This shirt causes the formation of crop circles.
|
|
You're old enough to know now: a magician came to Easter Island and changed me from a big staring head into a human.
|
Hey, what's with Travolta's brain? You let Big Tony trade it to the Scientologists for a salami?
|
|
The priest explains to the researchers that The Pope does not count Charlie's Angels among the cherubim.
|
|
Yes, Eugene Levy and Jeff Daniels also wanted to play The Joker.
|
And how long as your husband believed himself to be a cauliflower?
|
|
Franz the pet rock was loved by all the Pfirsichbaum-Schwartz family, even though he was not entirely housebroken.
|
|
Why--it's Pluto! Why do those silly astronomers call this a planet?
|
Big Louie was shy about dismounting outside. Too bad everything about Chico the Invisible Pony wasn't equally invisible.
|
|
You know those diet plans are total crap when you see the "before" and "after" in the same room.
|
|
I wish you'd've called first and told me what you were going to wear.
|
He was in the "15 Items or Less" line with 16 items!--no, a 6-pack does NOT count as one item.
|
|
Loretta? I'm not coming home. I've met someone...someone who really knows how to treat a man in uniform.
|
|
LAW & ORDER: WHAT THE %$#? Lenny Briscoe names that tune and wins an audition for a Broadway musical.
|
Gene Simmons: The early years.
|
|
"Rolling Stone" staffers were at their wit's end when it came to a tribute to George HW Bush.
|
|
Willie the Boxing Tree travelled by fork to Mt. Rushmore to challenge George Washington's tongue to a prizefight.
|
If George Wendt and Jerry Lewis had a son, this is what he would look like telling ethnic jokes in Der Alt Heidelberger.
|
|
Attn underage drinkers: spray on a little INSTA-GRAY and guzzle yourself silly!
|
|
The bartender was so tired of hearing the "Cheers" theme that he'd had his face removed.
|
Toulouse-Latrec's cousin, Toulouse-LeBaron, was a very bad driver.But the picture on his license is a self-portrait.
|
|
Some of us weren't meant for Buns of Steel, Nelson told himself.
|
|
Sure, you can go abroad for cheap lipsuction, but I wouldn't recommend it.
|
"Nooo, I'M a little teapot, short and stout."
|
|
Danger, danger, Will Robinson. This android from the planet of hairdressers will give you a bad dye job and split ends.
|
|
The Human Tuba and His Gay Kareoke Robot, available for garden gnome parties! Book now! Sure to be a hit this summer!
|
Before joining the Stones, Ron Woods went to Transylvania with Tim Curry, traveling in disguise. No one knows why.
|
|
Jimmy Durante's great-great-great-grandfather touring the provinces in "The Barber and Part-Time Waiter of Seville."
|
|
"C'mon, Pinocchio. You stole more than that. Pay up or we sic the termites on you."
|
Estee Lauder bought a number of missile silos, both for world domination and to send cosmetics into space.
|
|
OK, Jimmy, cut the crap. Superman's got another girl in the fortress, right? Here's $20 for pizza. You were never here.
|
|
Dorothy showed her papers from the Emerald City State Dept. to the guard at the Cheap Blue Zircon City.
|
Honey, Paul Revere was warning the colonists that the British were coming. Not the other way round.
|
|
We've replaced a pot of SQUD Coffee with Jimmy Cagney--let's see if Lulu LaMarte can tell the difference!
|
|
We've replaced a pot of SQUD Coffee with Jimmy Cagney--let's see if Lulu LaMarte can tell the difference!
|
|
Ike sent Mamie undercover as a Vegas showgirl to bust up a mob racket. Casinos didn't pay up, girls got these--hats.
|
Dudley Moore grins. The head of Terry-Thomas has been replaced by a hard-boiled egg.Yanks never understand British wit.
|
|
As long as we've stolen this purse, let's do something about that godawful wallpaper.
|
|
Yes, this is the fund for moustache wax and hair tonic. A gentleman can never be too greased, don't you know.
|
An early Susan Sarandon film, "Icky Monsters Running Through Pea Soup". Its budget: $645.97.
|
|
Competition to replace Pete Best as the Beatles' drummer was fierce. Literally.
|
|
Dear Becky, Yes, everything we heard about the English boys' teeth turns out to be true! And golly, Clive was so cute...
|
Mishiko-san, if you pick the number honorable soldiers are thinking of they will not take you to prison camp.
|
|
Tell Mr. Alda, go away! We tired of acting on his hospital show. Real war over in 3 year, Hawkeye!
|
|
At the Chan house, the boys had to draw straws to see who was Papa Charlie's Number One Son for the day.
|
An enemy agent tried to kill US morale by breaking up the Andrews Sisters in 1942--just when we needed them most!
|
|
Judy Garland waits for the pills to kick in so she can do the big number that sells Edgar Kennedy on the barnyard show.
|
|
Ohhhhh, Mr. Grant!I hate wearing a "power suit", and Ted is still the worst thing on the 6:00 news! There, I said it!
|
..and that's how Michael Jackson got his wish to be a little white boy in another dimension. But LaToya had to die.
|
|
Sure thing, Mr. Castro! Uno, dos, tres--is it OK that my sister fainted? It is? OK, quatro, cinco, seis...
|
|
Attn parents of 1962: children who play in this box are 68.2% less likely to go beatnik on you! Or be unwed parents! uh-
|
Tom Selleck sucks his thumb and daydreams about the NRA, while a surprised fan gets ready to alert the media.
|
|
Melvin, screaming "molto bella" and mozzarella" isn't fooling anybody! You're not Italian and you never have been!
|
|
Captain Hook and Peter Pan: The Awkward Teenage Years.
|
But I can't come downtown with you, officers. I gotta prop the house up. Well, tell it to housing regulations, Bub.
|
|
I AM the real Jack Nicholson. It's all done with mirrors.
|
|
Shaving their heads for charity was good publicity, but Larry, Moe and Shemp forgot all their schtick. Co-inky-dink?
|
"The band must play 'Deutchland Uber Alles' immediately!"
"Wrong film, dude. 2nd door to the left, ask for Bogie."
|
|
Sure, women love a man in uniform. But not if they look like Porky Pig.
|
|
With the lowest share of the royalties and a family to support, Ringo had to do something.
|
The Colonel suggested Elvis try a new look in the Vegas show. Too bad The King assumed he could really fly. It was 1974.
|
|
Next time I'll just be honest about my waist size, Clark vowed after an hour of squirming into the Danskin mediums.
|
|
Well, I think we all know who's going home on "Dancing With the Stars" this week.
|
Billy Bob, we were not defeated at the Alamo. We let the Mexicans capture a Taco Bell.
|
|
When I come back I wanna see a shiny new tumbleweed, built to my specifications. Think you can do that, Jim?
|
|
Got me there, Hank. I don't rightly know why they call the wind Maria. Mess it up a lot myself an' jes' call it 'wind'.
|
The robo-car brings the 3:15 race to the gate. The mechanical rabbit's in place. Our money's on Flaming Frankie to win.
|
|
We asked these Americans if they could tell the difference between a voting booth and a Busy Box.
|
|
...and while they waited for the mass shoeshine, they all watched Fox "News"!
|
Whoopi always knew she was destined to be Queen. But Peter O'Toole was so shocked he turned into a midget.
|
|
Ma'am? did the doc make you wear that so you won't chew on your stitches? My dog didn't like it either.
|
|
Short persons hath no reason to live. Thine little voices peep-peep-peep-eth. We say Begone, O Shortish Folke!
|
The first Khatmadhu Fried Chicken opened today.
|
|
After many years I am enlightened. Now I seek the one who does not talk and the Italian. Jai Guru Spaulding.
|
|
Yes yes, you must recognize me from the Monopoly box of your subcontinent. Please no autographs.
|
No way--Jehovah's Witnesses!!
|
|
It's a Ricsanataurus!! He's coming after all the homo sapiens!!
|
|
species kidandplayus, earliest find to date. Disc. pink w. fright (rare),in Glacier of Disposed Bards (speculative).
|
So you see, gentlemen, Dr. Dumkopf has proved conclusively, der kneebone connected to der thighbone.
|
|
Dear Diary,I am sure the 3 men in white follow me, but my wife says I imagine things. Am I going crazy?
|
|
Moaning Myrtle was a ghost who haunted a TOILET? Ooohh, that's nasty!!
|
Cain't fix the bed jes yet. Ink's still a lil wet on these.
|
|
The first ATM: Arkansas Tom's Mattress.
|
|
All that money I saved on razors an' personal groomin', by heck. An I weren't spendin on no wimmens. Don't know why.
|
Queen Latifa's new makeup ads started running during Black Comic-Book Month.
|
|
The pro-Lincoln conspiracy covered it up, so most people don't know the Civil War ended thanks to alien intervention.
|
|
"The Green Mile", restaged by Ru Paul.
|
You people so white, man! Dis called "fake tan". You no look scary no more, amigos. Obama in de White House! Arriba!
|
|
Prohibition extended all the way to Munchkinland. But then this slick dude showed 'em how to party Emerald city-style.
|
|
..plus I guarantee that Turfwhisperer will write a joke about his weenie when he sees this!
|
We've replaced the patient with a crash test dummy. Let's see if anybody notices!
|
|
You big sissy, get back in the game. Got hurt, didja? Oh, boo hoo hoo! Now get back out there and win that game!
|
|
Go back ta Wisconsin, ya dumb cheesehead.
|
You just don't know what will happen these days when you send out invitations to a tea party.
|
|
"I'm inventing the wheel", you said. Tell it to my sorry butt already!
|
|
All right, but your cave had better be in a nice neighborhood.
|
Hey, SNL has a new offensive character: My Tie Sun, half black, half Chinese, completely not funny! Shoo-in for a film!
|
|
Rick needs a laugh. Get him to say "College is for snobs" again.
|
|
3,2,1--now! "Good evening, and welcome to 'Recycling Bins of People Who Know Reality Stars!'Who bought ads? Roll one!"
|
Once they were both out of office, Nixon and Agnew toured as a comedy duo. Here they are in their famous bit, "Huh?"
|
|
He's for real, lady. Mitt said he'd legalize polygamy if he got elected. He was asking you just in case.
|
|
Maybe next time you'll think twice before you have the Garlic Martini with three onions on the toothpick.
|
Don't you go in there. It's what they call a Justin Bieber.
|
|
Now playing: Zombies ate their brains and now they're BLACK REPUBLICANS!! Voting against their own interests!! AAIIEE!!
|
|
Nooo, Mr. Cosby!! Not the one about Noah talkin' to God!! Anything but that!! My daddy knew it by heart!! Have mercy!!
|
Dr. Strangelove came from a large family, many of whom had the same affliction. Biff, for instance.
|
|
Caught you at last, Father! The two and a half aliens here told us all about the altar boys.
|
|
It was a gift from Peter Lorre when we wrapped "The Maltese Falcon" and I hope you can tell me what the hell it is.
|
Hey, Crug? What the heck's a cowboy anyhow? We can't even rope and brand no saber-tooth tigers.
|
|
Willie Nelson's ancestors longed to evolve, have more fingers, and put strings on gourds.
|
|
He maybe go in cave, invent "skittle". Me shoot him.
|
It took Rowan and Martin a long time to get that "Flying Fickle Finger of Fate" bit to work. They 1st tried it in 1884.
|
So, now "Rock-Scissors-Paper" has a COMB in it. I just can't remember what it beats.
|
|
Paul Sorvino stars in "The Guy Who Was All Confused About Numbers".
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He divorced #1 so the Church doesn't count #2, but then #1 died so Callista is legit.
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I suppose we all look alike to you, but Kirk Douglas has that chin thing going on, and I'm a studly blonde hunk.
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Please tell the King of the Forest I'm here for the breakfast meeting. Er--I'm not his breakfast, am I? There's coffee?
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Darling, it's because you snore.
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Captain's log: "Yellow Submarine" is about drugs.Disgusting! I'm proud my men & I glow green while I talk to a stick!
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Now hear this: Comet, it makes your face turn green, Comet, it tastes like gasoline...
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Not much is known about Jerry Ford's time as a glass-blower except that he tried to resuscitate a brandy snifter.
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Dis medicine here? Yeh, we sell it to dat Rush guy but nuttin gets him hard cept dis picture of Stalin in a garter belt.
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Hiram meets the Schlong Brothers, just arrived from Sljobvcynk.
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Stephen Stills was hilarious singing like a girl, but Peter and Paul decided to go with Mary Travers anyway.
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Boy, in a few bazillion years, PETA was gonna come down so hard on this place.
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This revival of "7 Brides for 7 Brothers" was definitely going another way.
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American women are losing all their rights--but thanks to CRUD shampoo, their hair looks GREAT!!! Fewer split ends too!!
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Hey kidz! Find the "Old Grandad" in this picture and win a prize!
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Say there, how'm I sposed to tell if'n this is the medicine for my bad eyesight?
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Should the GOP win, Motown plans to repackage The Jackson 5's Greatest Hits with a more acceptable design.
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For a truly representative sampling, Margo interviewed the houseplants as well.
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You'll go on reality TV and like it, you bum!
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Tony, you're gonna get made cause you're a great safecracker. No one cares about no blackheads.
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Legs did not take it well when he found out what Scarface did with the heist money.
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Tip to Girl Scouts: Never be desperate to sell those cookies. A customer can always tell.
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The key demographic for "Desperate Housewives" shakes down Teri Hatcher for secrets. Tell Kong about final episode!
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When the Hays Office made Betty Boop dress modestly, she didn't know how to handle those really aggressive types.
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Boris Karloff did part-time work selling Mary Kay. Here he demonstrates a trick with eyeliner. Look, someone's in love!
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Never work with real zombies. A few got into Ronald Reagan's trailer on the Warner lot and ate his brain between takes.
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Hey Nico, in our line of business we don't gotta make apologies when we hurt nobody, capisce?
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No more coffee. It's bad for the baby.
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At 2 a.m., they were out of Chock Full O' Nuts, and Chester started to brew the stamp-pads.
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You're right, Al. Let's go out and get hooked on amphetamines.
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There was always fighting on the "Wizard of Oz" set. Like, when someone OK'd this Tin Man costume,and for Lon Chaney!
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Don't you worry bout me none, I'm just a runaway mannequin from a Ralph Lauren window display.
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John Belushi once tried to work his way across a black-and-white Western as a fortune teller.
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Don't try marking those cards, stranger. I've got my own Sharpie in my trusty back pocket.
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Lucy wandered out of the "Peanuts" strip, so angry Muppets blasted her into space w/ Dead Grandad from "Family Circus".
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Christopher Plummer follows up the Oscar with a remake of "The Birds".
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Dr. Dolittle thought he could talk to the animals, but apparently some of the Bird dialects were subtly nuanced.
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"The Rosie O'Donnell Story" had been filming for just 2 days but had already blown through its catering budget.
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This is what happens when your 18-hour bra and your control-top pantyhose go on strike at the same time.
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That Audrey Hepburn! Labelling a dessert "low-calorie cheesecake" and smacking the weaklings who failed her weigh-in.
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The cute one can ride with me.Johann, kindly take Georg and his imaginary trumpet for a bath in the moat.
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Turfwhisperer's endless supply of primitive dirty jokes drove the man at the far right to drink.
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"No, you idiot, I said to rub the magic LAMP!" Even Perkin laughed, and he was the official village idiot.
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Just two of the secret panel members who fix it so no one you like ever wins a People's Choice Award.
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Well, NOW Rush Limbaugh says if his alma mater covers birth control, the sororities have to send him dirty postcards.
|
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Hey Mary! "Girl wanted in Minneapolis to throw beret into below-zero air, smile, and Make It After All." That's you!
|
Hey, guys, it just occurred to me: does Superman know there's a war on? Well, why doesn't he go kick Hitler's ass?
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The truth at last: Lois Lane and Superman are the real parents of Teri Hatcher and Stan Smith on "American Dad".
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Jimmy was just hoping Lois wouldn't mind asking her Superfriend to fly around to the Chinese place for carryout.
|
As a tribute, Lisa re-enacts her younger days screaming for her favorite Monkee.
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Yeah, for real, the kid's name is Blue Ivy. Apparently that's legal.
|
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Minerva just learned the Republicans have plans for her uterus.
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It's a request to adjust the focus of this room.
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Sir, you don't need a court order to read the magazines. The Hayes code is in effect. BTW we can't French kiss either.
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Before facelifts were common, aging movie stars were often filmed underwater.
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The Police Department will be wearing their jackets belted this year for a retro 1940s look, and dead butch it is too.
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Villagepeopleus: homo sapien, a rare species once found in urban US regions; sitings few, breeding habits unknown.
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The Chief was so terrified, he only agreed to talk to the sketch artist @ HQ if she promised to use invisible ink.
|
Peter Lorre, tired of Walt Disney's anti-Semitism, asks the bartender for a bottle of Manischewitz. Well, just the neck.
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The Everly Brothers fell on hard times and wound up touring bars on the sets of "B" movies.
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It was a great act: The Amazing Clive sipped straight bourbon but the dummy got drunk, told dirty jokes and threw up.
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..so by listening to all those Beatles records backwards, The CIA knew Paul had been replaced by a cardboard cutout !
|
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Condi Rice will address the Republican convention about the civil rights movement and its future with the GOP.
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Sanctorum campaign, setting time travel destination for the year 1400...
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When Lady Anne's head began to glow in the dark, the people prepared a dais in the town square and used her as a lamp.
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Oohh, Marianne. Isn't Robin just dreamy in that green tunic?
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That's Chico Marx, and he's gotta be in this movie to get his hat back.
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Donny and Marie in an alterate universe, where she's a lil bit beatnik and he's a lil bit rabidly anti-Communist.
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You too can work everywhere you go, when you've got a desk sticking out of your stomach!
|
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Mitt Romney with a prototype of "Pizzas For Welfare Moms".
|
Damn, this hangover is worse than I thought.
|
|
Put the white sheet away, dude. The farm's integrated. Brown cows, Bantam Whites, Rhode Island Reds--get over it.
|
|
The ghost of Michael Jackson haunted petting zoos all over the world.
|
Farrah Fawcett's curling iron was mounted on a platform overlooking the Pacific. It stands as a monument to 70s hair.
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No, Yankee, just a big flag come out. Say "BANG!" We show you sometime.
|
After Reg had his favorite bratwurst lunch with extra onions, garlic and curry, even paperwork wouldn't go near him.
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All right! I'm wearing shoulderpads! I'm just sorry you had to find out this way.
|
|
Was Gwen's face red! She'd written up the meeting's minutes on flypaper. AGAIN! She couldn't look Herman in the face.
|
The Beatles had written that song about his garden, and Octy had been attempting to play it on the triangle ever since.
|
|
Congress is full of invertebrates, and here's the tip of the Washington Monument appearing at a roast for one of them.
|
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Oh yeah, the Illuminati put a pyramid, an eye AND an octopus on the dollar bill. You just have to know where to look.
|
Well, even The Wizard of Oz had to start somewhere.
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I bet you're fabulous at shadow puppets. How you managed to get a desk job is beyond me, so you're under arrest.
|
|
Not many people know that WC Fields should have been in "Casablanca". Bogey shot him accidentally on the second day.
|
Maury hated that "Ay yi yi yi, I am the Frito Bandito!" but the crumbs in the bed afterwards were truly awful.
|
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Then the Wicked Witch of the West tried the next bed and realized it was too soft and she was in the wrong fairy tale.
|
|
There is a legend that Yetta the Witch comes to bad Jews on the first night of Hannukah and complains for 8 days.
|
...but the shrink told me to just look at the blood and ignore everything else. Hey,I see a fried egg-now I'm hungry!
|
|
Remember what Rick Sanctorum just said about Obama's religion? Well, just you just give him a second term, folks.
|
|
<buuurrrpp> Ahhh, Nebraskans: The Other White Meat.
|
Hank greeting his fans after his record-breaking Channel swim; no one knew yet his dad was Kermit the Frog.
|
|
It's Zippy the Pinhead in his first live-action movie!
|
That's the last time I buy a Rolex from a green salesman with extra eyes.
|
|
Hey, Gus, that crop circle design is cookin'! It's already broken my watch!
|
|
Must be 5:00 somewhere in the galaxy. Let's beam down for a cold gl^%:
|
Meanwhile, in another dimension, Santa Claus broke his back in a sleighing accident and rapidly lost weight.
|
|
A physicist choreographs "The Mikado".
|
|
3 years of research, and the team was still unable to say who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong.
|
So that's where the liberal Republicans went.
|
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We're heading off to paint ourselves pink, there are alcoholics having the DTs who'll be wondering where we are.
|
|
Just because the contestants on "The Biggest Loser" are so much heavier this year is no reason to poke fun at them.
|
Son, this cauliflower has been in the family for years, and I want you to have it.
|
|
When the "American Bandstand" dancers refused to appear with Frankie Avalon, Dick Clark busted that up real fast.
|
|
So then that damn Liberace says that's no way to play the piano but it's pretty good for somethin else. What's he mean?
|
Vote for FDR? What, and spoil all the fun?
|
|
"You must LIVE the role of Oliver Twist!" But that director was arrested for reckless endangerment of children.
|
|
Well, at least Mom got rid of those pictures of the sad clowns.
|
|
See? Everyone wants to get in to the Junior Republicans League! Why, they line up around the block!
|
Sometimes we have to make a few troublemakers go away to keep this The Happiest Place On Earth. Get a new Snow White.
|
|
The other kids loved David Cassidy, but young Sarah Palin was crazy for The Disapproving Gospel Brothers.
|
We have secret weapon, Round-Eye. Break up your best music group. In twenty-five year. Oh, you be sorry!
|
This season on his TV show, Donald Trump fires his own eyeballs!
|
|
The stunned audience watched as The Blue Man Group did its salute to the Republican debates.
|
|
There are many songs about "the sadness in your eyes"; "the screaming psycho spinning blue irises", not so much.
|
|
This season on his TV show, Donald Trump fires is own eyeballs!
|
It's the local Grand Dragon. IHOP served him Aunt Jemima's syrup in honor of Black History Month. That's his own sheet!
|
|
..and these are the original pieces of Joan Rivers, just piling up. I was thinking, maybe a loveseat?
|
|
Well OK, I'm not really a professional magician. I just got this video and started sawing a lady in half.
|
A scene from the obscure Elvis-Dietrich musical, "Eine Kleine Jailbreak": Big Polka At The Schnitzel Stand.
|
|
At BurgoCab, our taxi-waitresses drive your food from the pick-up window straight to your car!
|
|
Yah, dahlink, being a Gabor eez eggspensive, an I am between husbands, hahaha.
|
Yeah. We call the wind Mariah. And we call the toaster George. Wanna make something of it?
|
|
Give it to us straight. We ain't practicin for no Ralph Lauren fashion show. You just like seein us boys in chaps.
|
|
Your Honor, I've never seen a Denver boot on a Palomino before.
|
Yes. I've had implants.
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|
Yes. 've had implants.
|
|
..so in about 60 years when the cell phone is invented, I'll be ready!
|
|
It was on the set of his commercial for Tropicana Raw Liver Breakfast that OJ started to go mad.
|
Sir, I know not this Duke of Earl. Whence cometh he, and wherefore all must cry his name aloud twice, thrice,four times?
|
|
Does your creaky corset ever embarass you in public? Try CORSET-DUZ, the only corset oil with the Royal Seal!
|
It's from the Susan G. Komen fund. They've just learned that breasts come with people attached. My word!
|
|
..and that's what he calls The Safety Net Under the Poor. The next item is The Safety Net Under the Rich.
|
..and so little Cindy Brady was given as a child bride to Ricky Schroeder, John Denver sang, and the rocket zoomed away!
|
|
'The Bobbsey Twins and the Atomic Submarine'featuring Doktor Fishface, new at your bookstore this Tuesday!
|
|
This Kardashian is over-Botox'd and fake-collagened and no longer mobile. It is sent to schools to warn the children.
|
Usually the ex-Mrs. Gingrich was kept away from rallies as the strain of her married years showed so badly.
|
|
David Niven in a rare snapshot, sightseeing with Quasimodo, who seems overexcited by his first ride on a subway.
|
|
There's the guy! The one who ran off with my face! Yeah, he just got real close and suddenly, AARRGHH! Get 'em!!
|
Sacre bleu! Jacques forced the window of the chateau, only to find the Cousteaus kept an attack squid!
|
|
Damn, nothin worth stealing here. Beyonce spent all her cash on new wigs.
|
"West Side Story II: Westhampton"-here Maria tells JR Buxworth III that she like to be in America, then vacuums the rug.
|
|
Don't look now, but Mitt's coming to Little Havana, and if he's gotta marry a couple Latinas to win votes, he'll do it.
|
In "The Road to Dogpatch", Bob Hope and Dorothy Lamour show Lil Abner indoor plumbing, through a wacky musical number.
|
|
"So this is REALLY how test-tube babies are made?"
"Ha ha! But of course! After you, my dear."
|
Rob Reiner and Nick Nolte never got backers for their remake of "The Sunshine Boys". Funny about that.
|
|
Yes! You too can be an extra in an Italian B-movie!
|
Go ahead, tell me I'm dirt, I'm useless,I oughta be slapped. Hey, would ya get those stiletto heels and say that to me?
|
|
It's not easy for me to tell you this, sweetheart, but I-I'm losing my hair. I can't live with the secret anymore!
|
Behind the scenes @ "The Dick Van Dyke Show", a network exec told Laura that real American couples have twin beds.
|
|
We've secretly replaced Laura's right arm with Secretariat's foreleg! Let's see if her husband notices!
|
|
Baby, the antler-plasty came out great! AND--you're playing Prancer in 'Rudolph: The Musical'!
|
Is your name Calgon? Well, can you take me the hell away, anyway?
|
|
Yeah, but just cause you serve espresso in a teensy little cup, it doesn't mean you need a teensy little pot and waiter.
|
|
Picasso painted me during his blue period.
|
Auntie Em, Auntie Em! What's the secret ingredient in your pie crust? The crew's gonna mutiny unless they get good food!
|
|
Yes! New SQUD Detergent gets your laundry all funny-looking!
|
Just press it on over your real fingernail! Don't know what I did without 'em. Wanna try my new shade? It's Pink Kiss.
|
So you're saying Mr. Flintstone treated you like a machine? Did you ask for a transfer? What about damages?
|
|
You know how many people don't believe in you? But they think you can make gays turn straight.Should I open with that?
|
Yeah, well, Paul and Mary'll be here any minute, guys, and we hammer in the morning, we hammer in the evening-- really!
|
Hair spray fumes..making me..feel so dizzy...GINA! Roy Orbison called..wants..his..helmethead..back..are you..done..yet?
|
Hamlin was sure his chest was gonna win him the Mr. Crescent City title, even if Billy Bob had that fine tenor voice.
|
|
Endorsin' Newt? The Gov's gone plumb loco. Who's gonna take him out back an shoot 'im, boys?
|
Walt Disney considers a theme park in the ruins of Dresden. No trouble with the blacks and Jews here!!
|
Teaching Hospital Study #824: the longest case of Girl Cooties on record.
|
|
Be a dear and check. I know pin-curls usually take longer but I really feel done, and besides I finished my magazine.
|
Our subject's chosen the Bela Lugosi hairline; the Borgnine brow; the John Waters moustache and a Vincent Price simper.
|
|
Actually, all the voting on "Dancing With the Stars" is controlled by one bitter old instructor from Arthur Murray's.
|
|
The Man Behind the Curtain somewhere on Rodeo Drive shows Diane Sawyer where the Kardashians really come from.
|
Since "Don't Ask Don't Tell" was repealed, I haven't paid for dinner ONCE. But what do I tell my wife?
|
|
Hey, it's me, Rolf! The Captain just found out what Liesl and I really did in the gazebo. Can I hide back there? Danke !
|
Marty Feldman's eyes really did go in different directions.
|
|
Keith Richards never forgot that breakfast with David Crosby.
|
The 1st director of "It's a Wonderful Life" wanted the "Buck Rogers" cast in Bedford Falls. Here, Jimmy Stewart reacts.
|
"This belonged to Mother!"
Suddenly Joan knew she would be painting a different sort of portrait subject
|
|
I dunno, something about these spikes coming out of my head just makes me extra hungry.
|
Onnn..to...South Carolina...eat...brains..there...
|
|
"I Was A Prisoner On A Conga Line", coming soon to a theater near you!Special guest appearance by Clarence Thomas!
|
When The Osmond Family gave a surprise concert to support Mitt, there was suddenly plenty of room in the arena.
|
|
Whadya mean, Ron Paul won't use our bathroom?!
|
|
Auditions for "Stallone: Da Musical" were not going so well.
|
Don't look now, but the King of the Sea Munchkins has a flower for you. Wanna be his Queen? Cause this is the palace.
|
|
THAT'S a Walkman?"
"Yes. That's what capsized the ship. You only know the tiny iPods like the one on my wrist here.
|
|
The press will never find us here! Course after we unzip, re-zip,re-surface, that leaves us--hell,enough time for ME!
|
Green makeup? Flying monkeys? And I melt? Well, OK, but could you get these curtains out of my dressing room?
|
|
Are we in New Hampshire? It smells like there was a Republican debate around here. Sheez, open this window already!
|
Lois Lane wondered why that nice Mr. Murasaki just couldn't stand her new Chanel "Kryptonic" perfume.
|
|
Yes, I'm Alec Baldwin. Yes, I'm riding Amtrak now. And yeah, this is Suduku and I need a pencil. What's it to yah?
|
It's a letter from the French court, Majesty, wondering which of us to call The Virgin Queen.
|
|
But my love, the court veterinarian says thou must, else thy pull thine stitches out.
|
'You saw Auntie Em in THAT?'
'No you gorgeous goy, Aunt Yetta. She loved me in "Funny Girl".'
|
|
In the 70s, Arthur Murray tried automating their dance studios. In this ad, Warren Beatty meets R2D2 for samba class.
|
Bar mitzvahs at the Alamo is a fine old Texas tradition.
|
|
Not many people remember, but the Temptations started as a C & W act. Here they work on choreography for an Opry show.
|
It's a gated community, Doug. Where the TV starlets of yesteryear come to drink and forget.
|
|
"Don't remake Footloose", everyone said. We're not! We're remaking "Jailhouse Rock"! Uhh, not remaking. Ripping off.
|
Is somebody sleeping through my Ghaddafi impersonation? Come on, somebody snored back there.
|
Aspiring conductors have to practice on corpses, under supervision, before they are allowed to try it with the living.
|
|
Darling, you said you could eat with chopsticks. This is horrifying. Look, the waiter's fainted.
|
..so I said that ventriloquists without puppets are gonna be HOT! Gotta tell Sam, Harry the Hand goes on tonight!
|
Six months at least. Move up the due date and call Maury Povich.
|
|
You're going underground as a pair of Siamese twins? Tony, you still got that bullet in your head, doncha.
|
You know Meryl Streep is gonna get another Oscar,I'm in a coma half the movie, how do you THINK I feel?
|
|
No! Newt can't see me looking like this! He'll leave me alone suffering from Funny Pajama Disease! Without Blue Cross!
|
That Knuckles. Is he trying to cut in again? Sheesh, and the band's playin a slow one. Why won't he leave us alone, Tim?
|
|
Is this the line for Kirk Douglas or Michael Douglas impersonators?
|
Psst. It's me, Paula Deen! These elves work for nothin, y'all. Gonna gits me some for Smiffield Pork, %&(@! them unions!
|
|
Do you like BIG PACKAGES? BWAHAHA OK beatcha to it guys, and ask Santa to help you think up some new captions.
|
Greg Brady's hard times: being Jacklyn Smith's personal trash compactor, and tennis teacher to her albino ward.
|
But Mrs. Ricardo,J Edgar Hoover is dancing in the chorus at the club tonight! Here's his costume! He's Big Flora! Oops..
|
Whatsa matter, never seen window dressing before? You wanna WHAT? OK, $200, you watch all you want, jus don tell Macy's.
|
|
Lady Fiona pays a surprise visit to Sir Tom Jones backstage.
|
It's the "Flying Nun" prototype for Virgin Airways. But don't try joining the Mile High Club on one.
|
"Ward, I'm worried about The Beaver." Don't get me started.YEARS of pain.Am I ready for the End Times? You watch me.Heh.
|
Civil War re-enactors and their rendition of Strom Thurmond's prom night.
|
|
...from the new Tea Party collection! Put those white sheets back in the linen closet, here's what the chic bigots wear!
|
Din't I say that bag don't match them boots? But did you listen? Son, Carson Kressley's comin here jes to laugh atcha.
|
No, MY ringtone is "Mac the Knife", YOURS is "I Like Big Butts". You haven't got the hair for "Mac the Knife"!
|
So he ate half your earbuds. Did you HAVE to cut his facelift sutures?
|
...so while it's not exactly a piece, golden retriever fur is attached to Mr. Trump's scalp here, and also here.
|
Tito Jackson tells Starr Jones who put Nair in her shampoo in 1997. Also, a petrified Xmas tree! Today on "The View"!
|
Mitt Romney tries to amuse Joe Biden with the Mormon Potato-Chip Dance. He's doing the "crumbs-over-the shoulder" step!
|
"..but my father's pirate ship needs sails!" cried Pippi Longstocking.
|
Why yes, always write with my eyes shut. Git more done that way. Jes put them silver dollars on the Prada bags there.
|
I was looking for my wife's clitoris, but I think I took a wrong turn about a mile back.
|
Let us bow our heads and remember Bruce Jenner's original nose.
|
|
..so for those 13 years Herman Cain was "helping" that woman, he was still--? And Mrs. Cain--? I'm not quite clear here.
|
Ohhh, Wallace, I just hate it when we show up wearing the same thing! Now I'm getting a migraine.
|
Before his days on "Law & Order: SVU", Richard Belzer toured with The Psycho Psychiatrists.
|
|
But I really am Kim Kardasian! I haven't had any Botox for a week! Where's my mascara? I don't WANT to be cured, you--!
|
That guy? Nah, he's from Newark. Never been on a horse in his life. He just walks like that.
|
|
It's not the campfire kareoke that gets me so much as the 'Brokeback Mountain' charades.
|
The first version of Ronald MacDonald did not catch on, and Ye Olde Meate Pye Shoppes went over like the Armada.
|
Sinead O'Connor teams w/ Justin Bieber to rap about Zero Population Growth.
|
|
I don't believe you. Show me how you make 'em go Number Three.
|
Maybe you saw me at my old job on the ice cream truck. I still wear the uniform. Loved those kids--whoops. Nice night!
|
It's part of the Occupy Burger King movement, kiddo. Did you miss their press conference?"
|
I can't wait till some Einstein invents the ATM.
|
I want some red roses for a blue lady. And a blue lady. Got any of those around? Well, look in the back.
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