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Gar took his "Walking Dead" obsession a little to far when he shot Slim thinking he was a zombie!

Justice Roberts mistakenly voted to uphold "Obamacare" when he confused it for "Orgasmcare".

Obama's top secret initiative to boost constituents by genetically engineering them got off to a rocky start in Ohio.

He who smealt it, did not dealt it Mr. Onion!!

I need more flop from you and less effort.

It states right here "all Churros are property of the Mexican government". Now hand it over Mr. Bradshaw.

Is that the new 5G?

Clark, there's no shame in using 'Just for Men' to get rid of that white hair.

No man this side of the Rio Grande has ever pulled his finger and lived to tell about it.

Ahhh, the good ol' days!

Well, how much were the sodas? This can't be right!

I'm here representing Mr. Gingrich. Now that you are terminally ill, Newt is filing for divorce.

Oh crap, sorry about biting you but I thought you were a hunk of sharp cheddar.

I can never remember, is it Colors on Hot and Whites on Cold??

Too many little blue pills.

I've heard of pitching a tent, but this is ridiculous.

Daddy, don't you think you are a little too old for a Science Fair? And a "volcano"? Really?

Linda took offense to the donut delivery man implying she had an issue.

Earl institutes the first known "One Wiener" rule.

I want to play my new XBOX Next Gen system but I didn't buy the HDMI cable.

The beaver jokes get old real fast.

By the looks of your jacket, you knew my father. Prepare to die trucker!

These naked playing cards are great!

Ok Honey, this role-playing thing has gotten out of hand. Unlock this door, I have to go to work.

Nope, couldn't hold it. Get the mop!

I saw you kissing my wife, quit acting like a statue.

Note to self: Don't drink 8 Royal Teas in one day.

Boss, Boss, the plane the plane!

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

What's that on your tie? Bloop, got ya!

Sir, don't stress out. His first name is Barrack, he has no chance against you in this election.

Mapquest said their house would be right here. Darn Mapquest!

Ahhh, this pull over blanket is so warm and snuggly. That's it!! I'm calling it the "Snuggy".

When I say hoo, you say peck. Hoo peck hoo peck!

You see, you stick your thumb through here and everyone thinks it's a weiner.

Yes thats it pull it and prepare to smell my breakfast burrito!HaHaHa! I mean my um scented candle...he. Just pull it

I warned you that if you kept doing the "sprinkler", you would go to jail!!

This says you like long walks on the beach?

Steal a few women's undergarments and your a big hairy perv. Sure perv I can see. But big & hairy, that's just mean.

God I wish this guy would just quit talking. Blah, blah, blah...

So Pop, I was thinking of this game called "Donkey Kong". You throw barrels on people.

Spencer, please cover your mouth when you have to sneeze by the projector.

Look at the way she eats that banana.

"Planet of the Apes" only got a 45% on Rotten Tomatoes? Damn Mark Wahlberg!

We're going to make a movie called "Toy Story". I'm Woody and this is Stinky Pete. Want to play Jessy?

You good enough, smart enough and gosh darnit' people like you.

Hey man, you have to see a doctor about this explosive diarrhea.

Our cousins Hansel and Gretel were dumb. We're just gong to eat all the witch's sweet tangos then split.

Father, how many times must I tell you that's a paint brush not some sort of magic wand?

Round and round she goes, where she stops nobody knows

I've worked for Johnson & Johnson for 20 years, and there is no scientific evidence this is harmful to humans.

I had a vision! It's called "Giggle-Trigger, and people will take time out of their days to type punchlines to pictures.

Curly, spread my ashes over the river valley and hands off my wife.

When I squint and shake my hand really fast, you look like the female villain from Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Heh heh yeh, I'd like to speak to a Mr. I.P. Freely please.

How in the hell did he get his sleep number setting to -73. This is horrible!

Hey buddy, your going to have to wait in line for the new Call of Duty, just like everyone else.

Cindy, are you sure you don't want a breath mint?

So this is guaranteed to improve virility?

Mom said having a conjoined twin on my shoulder wouldn't be bad, but I think it sucks.

All night long? Yeh, all night long!

More entertaining than the Vikings, they suck!

I have him insured for $500k. When he kicks, I'm going shopping!

I'll flip you for it. Loser digs up the body.

Do you think this tie makes me look feminine?

Sorry, I don't eat pork. Sewer rat could taste like pumpkin pie, but I wouldn't eat the filthy mother f*@ker.

I just can't quit you.

Is this the stop for the 781 bus?

My brother Eli could throw better then McNabb, and he's a salamander.

Football is on! I'm outta here!

Need more Tiger Blood stat!

How did Gov. Perry pass a mandate to inject my child?

I downloaded the newest patch, but this iPhone still won't work!

I have an important meeting and I have been experiencing this erection for more than 4 hours.

I'll take a large pepperoni with cheese in the crust and a dozen wings "blazin".

Mom says I have to be a banana for Halloween again. Why can't I be an apple, just once?

You know, the condom jokes get old real fast.

This coffee is killing me.