• 

"I'll tell you, Tom. I got a tattoo on my ass to cover up that hideous birthmark. It's the word 'Bluehorizon'."

"Well, Bluehorizon is to Giggle Trigger, as George Lopez is to stand up."

"Have you heard of this new drug that makes everyone the same? It's called 'Bluehorizon'. It's really weird.

"The code word for everyone to simultaneously poop is 'Bluehorizon'."

All I know is this persons name is Bluehorizon. It wants everybody to think the same way. Much like the Rupublican party

"It's not my fault! He kept kidding me about being born with this kooky facial hair thing, rickets and no nipples."

"Jailer! This other fella in here says he's gonna 'Toss My Salad'. What does that mean? I'm scared and I gotta poop."

I shot him 11 times in the back as he tried to steal my toaster. I have a right to protect my property that I worked for

Come on Gov. Perry! I promise I'll always vote for the Republican candidate in the future! Just give me another chance.

"I'm sorry kids. Due to tax cuts, we can't afford fruits and vegetables. But I still have my job at the bomb factory."

Miranda was disappointed that HER 'Hamburger Helper' wasn't as exciting as the commercials.

"Spoon can kiss my root! I'll dive in when I'm ready!"

Most kids don't eat the vegetables in their school lunch, and most likely we're just going to get cooked and thrown out.

The Army's new ad campaign: "We don't care about sex or skin color. Travel the world and kill people."

Annette couldn't wait for Billy to go skiing, so that way she break off some of that chocolate.

"Well Mr. Mayor, you might own my homestead. But you just walked through my fart bubble."

"Imagine, Helmut. In a few more years the Nazi Party and the Republican Party aligned once again for a unified cause."

"Hey Dennis. I'm getting second thoughts about crashing the Weinstein Bar Mitzpah as Nazi waiters."

"Stop hogging ze binoculars, Klaus! I vant to see ze Fuhrer in his swimming trunks too!"

"Calm yourself, Hans. I know ze waves look goot, but don't get ahead. Ze girls will be here for ze party on June 6th."

Nooooo!! My Lab!! My research!! My life!! All from me microwaving the foil wrapper from my leftover P. F. Chang's!!

He had heard the rumors, but never imagined witnessing the transformation of Snoop Dogg into 'Mega Blunt'.

Oh My God!!! It's election season and Rush Limbaugh is smoking Oxy's again!!!

Dr. Hurtsalot looked on in horror and immense satisfaction as the entire Kardashian family exploded from his invention.

Yes I'm sure, Phillip. The only way us Secret Service Agents are going to be able to hire hookers is on another planet.

"This sucks! We drove all the way out here, no women, no beer, no party...those fraternity guys got us good!"

"Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse...We're lost, out of gas and I just farted in my space suit..."

"Well sure life could exist here. I know it looks desolate and barren, but think of what Lubbock looks like."

This Time Machine is AWESOME!!! So this is what the Earth really looks like after a Palin Presidency?

"You have to shave and tuck your shirt in. This isn't Rugby for cryin' out loud."

You can't sneak up behind another player, pull their shorts down and yell "Cheeky Wankers".

It's a new rule. We don't keep score so the other team doesn't feel bad about themselves, and EVERY player gets a trophy

"Well maybe I'd quit shooting you in the balls with a shotgun, if you'd stop pooping so close to my house?"

"What do you mean you're gonna use me like a hamster?"

"Do with me what you will Walmart Monster! But I still refuse to shop in your stores!"

"I don't care what the cable bill says. I can assure you, Old Chap that I did not download 'Shaving Private Ryan'."

"So you say you got all of those phone numbers just from going out with your pipe stuffed down your trousers?"

"Really?..Ah, yes..Quite intriguing..So Old Boy, you say you just pour the bubble liquid in there and blow then?"

"Just so we're honest and up front with each other, I REFUSE to give you a trunk job for painting me."

"So this is the 'Man Cave', eh?"

"You are going to paint me with my trunk erect, right?"

"Well Sir, I might be your butler, but I refuse to touch this stiffened Playboy magazine I found underneath your bed."

"Ohhh. I see. Your note confused me. It says you wanted me to pick up your frigid wife. Now I see what you mean."

"Look! It says right here that you would pay me $500 for a sock puppet show. I did my part, and that's your signature!"

Good Lord, Meldon! You say that you actually removed this from Alec Baldwin's navel?

Do you think those fellows at the Pawn Shop on the East side will appreciate the value of a fossil dinosaur turd?

The camera is built in right there, so I shall now be able to capture a glimpse of the maid stealing my Xanax.

Don't look so surprised, Honey. I thought you wanted to watch me dance on a stripper pole?"

"Don't look so surprised, Honey. I thought you wanted to watch dance on a Stripper Pole?"

"Well, yes it gives an indepth description of what it is and its' function, but no picture of this supposed 'Clitoris'."

"...surrounded by lush forests and babbling streams...Todd your mom is going to love going to this spa for Mothers Day."

"....tools you will need for the Ikea Gottapoopen Bathroom Closet are...."

"Look! Right here! It says 'Veteran' has three syllables. I told you!"

Harold was furiously trying to think of a funny quip or remark with the word 'Dictate' in it.

James was becoming uncomfortable now that she had been licking the empty Frito bag for more than 45 seconds.

Chuck remembered to call his high school wrestling coach and tell him, "Thank You."

Lydia was falling right into Terry's hands now that she had licked the GHB laden UNICEF return label.

"Why do we have to go to all this trouble? Why can't we just have normal sex?"

"Listen, Hector. My grandfather didn't shave his pubes for nothing. Now buck up and follow through with our plans."

"Oh darn it, Gil. That 'Just For Men' shit is already wearing off. And just two days before the cruise."

"Look, just stick with the plan and we'll be able to get the Senior AND the Military discount at Golden Corral."

"Con Sarnit, Jeb! You done kilt another one! Now who are we gonna get to be the towns Horse Shit Cleaner Upper?"

"Who says a man can't use bible pages as rolling papers?"

"If this was really the old west, we would be dirty, with scraggly beards and smell like a barnful of wet billie goats."

Mr. Mayor, why do all of your police officers look like clones and their badges look like either tea steepers or acorns?

I am Secret Agent Ivanna Ripyourcockoff, and all three of us wish for political asylum in your country.

Look Sgt. O'Malley. 27 unpaid parking tickets is nothing. Couldn't we go somewhere and settle this like adults?

I am the twins' attorney your Honor. And I am pressing charges against the City for making them wear really gay uniforms

That grumpy look, your pants pulled up over your navel and the way you're holding your beer is all like vagina repellent

I thought there would have been more women here at Cliche' Hat Night.

Don't worry about it Billy. It happens to every boy at some point. It's not your fault. We'll try again at the motel.

So I have this idea about a broken down bowler and an Amish fellow that travel around in a piece-of-shit convertible...

The taste? Really? That's interesting because usually it's the consistency that people don't like.

...so the Pope says, "The only meat I eat on Friday is Nun."....Get it?...No?...Well you see normally...

This is not exactly what I meant when I said I wanted you to give me head.

...Yes I see. But where is the direct link between the brain and a man's penis?

For some strange reason, my blood seems to wash all over my nether regions when I hold a mans brain. Oooooo!

So what you are saying Doctor, is that I wouldn't be three times smarter with two brain tissue breast implants?

I don't care if it is the 19th century. You try using one of these here new fangled 'Ball Chairs'.

This is why I don't like blind dates, Tony. You said she had a great personality, but you didn't say she was 2"1' tall.

"You used all of the starch for your shirt? What about that pile of shirts? You only think of yourself, Rusty"

I left the only glazed with sprinkles for a hundred miles on my desk and you thought you could eat it? Doughnut breath!

Mom! I'm 36 yrs old and if me and Toby wanna go to ComiCon, then by golly we're going...I'll clean my room later!..jeesh

"...and you're absolutely positive that no one can tell what is inside the package?......shipped discretely...I see...

What do you mean, "Is my refrigerator running?" of course it is!...What do you mean "I better catch it?"...Who is this?

...dark hair, dark eyes, grey suit and hat, white shirt with black tie? You got it, Chief. I'll keep my eyes peeled.

Gordon Ramsey's secret is finally revealed.

Greg's world famous tongue was trained for cummlinigus, not this strange plant.

"Hmmm...? When Josh said there was a big hole waiting for me in the back seat, I assumed it was Mildred."

Ripley was right. The creatures DO have acid for blood.

Jasper mentally quizzed himself, "Why can't I get in this position when I'm naked?"

Phillip vowed at that very moment to never again eat the Chilicheese Tator Tots from Sonic again.

Luther hated listening to alien karaoke at gun point. Especially when Rotharb couldn't hit the high C.

"Hey Man! MS13 is a galactic gang, Dude! Now give me you wallet or I will shrink you again!"

"I found Vanilla Ice's wallet, but it only has $8 in it. Can you make sure he gets it back?"

"It's not that big of a deal. Here, read this. Even I'm in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame."

"Want some chocolate?"

Evelyn wasn't used to this kind of attention. But then again, Johnny wasn't the typical kind of pastey salesman.

Rex waited patiently while Maureen pondered the question of, "Why do 7 Eleven stores have locks on the doors?"

Seeing her apply lipstick made Tony remember to have Rusty neutered.

"This? This is your idea for a bomb shelter? Boy, I hope the Americans don't have a HUGE bomb. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha"

"Idiot! This is Japan! That bucket is seven times too large!"

Those round eyes have the Colonels 'Bucket of Chicken'. But we will NEVER have the Emperor's 'Bucket of Sushi'.

"Mr. Jenkins doesn't have to speak. I can tell you that a show looking for unknown singing talent in America is stupid."

Second hand smoke? Yeah right. The next thing you'll be telling me is that red meat, lard and Twinkies are bad for you.

"I'm the Secret Service Director's executive assistant. Not his coffee-fetching sex toy, Mr. Limbaugh."

"So let me get this straight...the people in 'Jersey Shore' are millionaires? How? For what?...There is no God."

"You know what Betty? If you join the Air Force in 1970, I bet 'Radar Box' will be your nickname."

"Aren't we lucky those brilliant scientists overlooked the 6 cubic feet of storage space in this clearly labeled box?"

"Gee whiz, Sally. Next time we play doctor, could you use some lotion? You rubbed a sore spot on me."

You're right Rusty. It is insensitive of me. From now on I will only lose money in a NATIVE AMERICAN casino. Happy now?

"You might have a pistol, but the guy behind you has a shot gun down his pants. And stop calling me Colonel Potter."

"No Terry, I will not follow you to the back of this bar and re-enact the scene from 'The Deer Hunter' with you."

"Yes, I agree. For a supposedly seedy bar in the evening, it is well lit in here."

"Phillip, can we talk about this later? I'm not comfortable talking with you while you're pooping."

"Jim, you have to believe me! I have sworn testimony AND an eyewitness that will testify Humpty Dumpty was pushed."

"Look Tom. We're all Secret Service agents. We're all in this together. I'll never tell anyone you hired men."

"No, no, no. That's a terrible position for a sculpture!"

"I came home from work, I had 4 beers but I didn't hit my wife. Now will you tell that guy to turn off his camera?"

"For the last time! I'm not Tom Cruise!"

"Well...you could ask my 6 other brothers. But they'll tell you the same thing. We ain't seen no Snow White."

Sadly, Christopher Reeves realized that all the puppet string in the world could not make him the star of Superman 6.

"I can't believe that after 9 years of being podnuhs, you're quitting the gang because I now like wearing Birkenstocks."

"I stepped in horse shit again! When will these people start cleaning up after their modes of transportation."

"I'm sorry Luther. I don't know why I said your horse was ugly. Come on, and I'll buy you that new kerchief you liked."

Shoot Hank. I know you're embarrassed and so am I. But you're supposed to go see a doctor if it lasts more than 4 hours

What luck! On my driving day I'm sitting between David Niven and Rudy Hitler. Now, how do I move the seat up?

The New 2013 Mormon Family Truckster.

Betsy realized she could still put on mascara but she wouldn't be able to channel surf or put her feet on the dashboard.

"Oh Lady Veticus, we could still copulate whilst standing. Let me gather an overturned bucket for myself."

"Please, my Queen. Renounce my beheading. I meant no disrespect by calling you the world's greatest apple picker."

"Is is true that you used state funds for Bottle Service at 'The Taj' and tickets for you to see Maroon 5 in San Diego?"

"Sirya Lomanpor Channel 5 News. Sir we have video evidence of you gluing your mustache on with spirit gum. Any comment?"

"Does your stunned look, Sir imply that you don't believe that I have shaved off all of my body hair?"

"I...state your name...Do hearby swear....Under penalty of beheading....That I will uphold the rules of Joust Club...."

"When I lower my hand, the blindfolded Knights will start their quest for the Holy Grail."

"Oh Vender...over here. Yes....here...One mutton leg and a Pabst Blue Ribbon, please."

Hello my peasants. It has been one year since we last spoke. And as you can see, I am more prepared for thrown rubbish.

"I now declare the 2012 Ford/Walmart Renaissance Festival Paint Ball Pavillion now open!"

"Those are sooooooo fake."

"I think it's great our husbands get along so well, but do they have to Salsa dance so closely?"

"Some ladies night out this is. They don't serve alcohol, there's no smoking and that man keeps farting over there."

"Yes, Bluehorizon. This will give you self esteem and a life other than doggin' people on this site and Facebook."

"No it doesn't help babies with colic. But the Opium helps YOU to not give a damn that your baby cries at all hours."

"Yes! Yes my elixer WILL make your girlfriend hotter than a drunk cheerleader on prom night."

"A very good question, Sir. I guarantee it will make all of you grow to normal height, AND gain some epidermal pigment."

"..this amazing product will whiten tile grout, remove stains on clothing, and when consumed, enlarge your penis."

"Mom? Me and Rusty are going to Taco Bell. Do you want anything?"

"Can you believe THIS is what Kathy Griffin looks like without makeup?"

"Look, Mr. Jones! See how the battery acid/Plutonium combo is removing the facial skin. Proactiv can kiss my ass!"

"...and then Goldilocks tried the third bed and it was juuuuuust right...."

"You see, Lefty? Now that he's knocked out, I can tweak his nipple without him getting offended."

"Let me shoot him, Franky. The Boss has embarrassed The Family for the last time with his narcolepsy."

"You idiot! I said shoot if they are wearing a 'Hoodie', not looking like hood!"

"I have a letter from the CDC right here that says you contracted Herpes from a 'Drag Queen' named I. Will Dooya.

"I will now ask you to leave my office, Sir. That was the worst impersonation of Napoleon Bonaparte I have ever seen."

"$63.79 in late fees! Let me find my glasses so I can see my signature that I rented 'Twilight' eleven weeks ago."

"Honest. I didn't see a thing, Mister."

Magthor wasn't about to shoot anything that looked like Carrot Top's crotch.

"Good Lord, Merle! I've smelled stinky farts before, but never one that burned my eyes!"

"Listen! My doppleganger is marrying Eva Braun, we are on the next flight out of Berlin headed straight to Bogata."

"OK guys. Remember, the signal to leave is my moms bunion surgery is in the morning and we all promised to be there."

"That sounds like fun, Big Boy. But it'll cost you a pack of Kool's, a can of Axe 'Anonymous Nuisance' and a Pizzone."

"I'm Maurice. I'm here for all the Scrapbooking supplies that are for sale you advertized on Craigslist."

"This is the nicest, cleanest, most thought out prison I have ever been in."

"Dennis, have you ever wondered why we wear animal skins, carry clubs and no shoes but we have felt hats on our heads?"

"So I said the other Neanderthals could stay in the caves, but I'm moving into a condo and I'm taking the fire with me."

...she was so hairy, it looked like she was smuggling a raccoon out of my cave."

"Do you think good looking women in the future will be called 'Knockouts'?

Greetings Walmart shoppers. We're having a special on the Bucket 'O Chili and Twinkie 24 pack! The Clogger is back for..

I don't normally do this karaoke thing, but after 3 Jager Bombs..ha ha..Ooo baby ba-beh, ba-baby ba-beh, ooo baby ba-beh

"What do you mean 'Is my refrigerator running?'...This is NORAD young man!! How'd you get this number? Hello..Hello..."

"And now on the center stage here at The Butt Hut is Aurora, with Nevada on the Gold stage and Misty on the Silver stage

"..Yes I know it comes with fried rice. But why can't I substitute steamed rice?...Yes, yes the manager say no I get it.

Check, check...Jerry can you pull a little of the high end out, I'm getting a little feed-back...symblance, symblance...

"...wait, that's not the punchline. Then the doctor says, 'If this is my thermometer, where's my pen?"

"You two drink out of your flasks. I'll drink through my nose from this tube in my sleeve and the bottle in my coat."

"Blimey, Basil! Say it, don't spray it. You grotty little wanker!"

"I can't stop laughing! So no second date because she was so sad Palin dropped out? Oh God! I blew snot out of my nose."

Rick Perry's dream of an America controlled by Aggies.

The latest campaign ad for spousal abuse in Georgia entitled, "Don't beat 'er, drag 'er wicha."

"Well Dr. Adkins, you're just going to have to figure something else out because your mask won't work as a diet aid."

"...well I've got the gun Rusty. So I'm telling you to give me back my truss. It's just so creepy that you wear it."

Look Buddy! You don't have to call me names. You asked and I told you that I think Mute Man is a stupid Super Hero name.

"I'm sorry I hit you with my cane, Benji. But you mustn't wake me by saying Tebow was arrested for crack possession."

"In all my years of practicing Dermatology, I have never seen a pimple that size. I must have drained a teaspoon full."

"You certainly can do the Jitterbug, Bill. Let me dab some of that sweat for you."

"Well Gerald, I'm not surprised a body guard hit you.You describe CeLo Green as that little black guy with T Rex arms."

"Oh come on Ralph.. Just imagine.... Hundreds of dyslexic coffee shops with my name on them....Barstucks".

I can't get it out of my mind Jim. You kissed me at the Christmas party. You said you were drunk, but i feel your eyes

"I don't know Tom. I just wish I could travel fifty years into the future and not have to wear suits to work everyday."

"I swear to Maglore! If either of you ask if we're there yet one more time, I'll throw your asses off on an asteroid!"

"Ewwwww! Even your penis is hairlipped!"

"Rebecca, has anyone told you that you look just like Larry Fine in drag?"

"The Israeli Government doesn't pay spies for useless information such as 'The Iranians are just making BIG falafels."

"Take it from me, Bluehorizon. I'll slap you again if your comedy isn't clean. Turfwhisperer used to be Turfyeller."

"No way! You two are the dumbasses. Who goes to to Dr. Frankenstein's Crunken Bolt Neck Blowout party empty handed?"

Snicker, snicker..."No you idiot! The lady in blue clearly said 'Hand Job' not 'Lamb Chop'."

"I'm sorry, Eloise. When you spurned my request for coitus, I purchased this lamb with great haste."

Jimmy could only imagine what that ass would feel like in his hands....And Lois had a fine pooper too.

Jimmy thought, "Do it now! Toss that goofy fucker out of the window!" Then Lois would love ME.

"Yes Lois, the stars ARE lovely. But how about letting ol' Clark get a glimpse of Uranus."

"It was the worst dream imaginable! Palin as President...."

"Sure, you might be happy about these nude photos. But my crotch looks like someone lost a button in the carpet."

"Look Sister. It says right here in the Warner Brothers contract that I get anal, and no that doesn't mean picky either"

Irene had to sketch Officer Shootfirst before Evil Doctor Larry's paralyzing doughnut glaze wore off.

"So I says to the guy, 'Oh yeah!', and then I went all Max Schnelling on his ass."

"I know, I know. It's enough to make a man daintily sip a dark liquor...straight up...from a small glass."

"Mr. Perrier just won't listen to my idea. So now I'm moving to to Arkansas. I bought some land near Ozarka..."

"I've seen the future, Dibbles. People LIVE in dungarees. Being a shoddy suit maker won't last I tell ya."

The Floor-Matic Company knew the position of Escalator Operator would never be a permanent career path for Jane.

Gladys knew her arm would get tired using this mechanical phallus, but if she could find a way to make this smaller....

Norma swore to herself all those months ago that she would always park in a way to never have to use reverse again.

"And look at that guy over there. He must be in his mid-forties. He's so old, the Black Plague was only Light Grey."

"..and what if we took out that whole wall to make the East side of the castle flow more organically into the dungeon.."

"No, THAT guy fell off the potato wagon. I fell off the turnip wagon".

"Right next to that Starbucks is where I'm going to open my gay construction worker bar called The Manhole"

Now you see why women in the 21st century shave their pubic areas bare.

"Quick Mrs. Squid, hide! Here comes Ted Nugent!"

The Baptist version of who REALLY helped the ancient Egyptians build the pyramids.

"Doc I agree masturbation slows your reflexes. But I haven't been seated in front of you for 30 seconds now."

"Doc, I'm telling you. My index finger is THREE times that size. I gotta hide this thing in my coat, not my pocket!"

"Sit down over there and tell me all about this 'Armpitsmellophelia' you have."

"Yes she was beautiful and had a wonderous voice. But she still had that Bobby Brown taint on her."

" No, I'm not the Grim Reaper. I'm the Not-So-Optimistic Reaper."

"as high as an elephants eye, and I don't think it going to stop until it reaches the sky! Oh what a beautiful morning

Don't be mad at yourself, Ricky. everybody has a relapse. You can always re-start your diet tomorrow.

"I wonder if THEY had ever heard of Jesus Christ?"

"I'm still hungry. I wonder where I can find Bobby Brown?"

No Cubecca. God only listens to us square types. Not circles, not triangles, not hexagons.....

"This is the Callista Gingrich 'Stepford' model. It comes standard with no uvula, no backtalk and a bi-lesbian adapter."

"...and lastly, if you get used to the smell just think of the money you will save on dating."

"Let's keep this under wraps. First Mitch Mcconnell, now John Boehner both dead from chronic use of the KY Twister."

I don't care if someday you will run for President, Newt. You can't wave your penis at me here in broad daylight!"

"I know this food isn't healthy, but I have to work here until I can get a job in the asbestos ceiling tile factory."

"Here's your whole milk and cream milkshake, fries fried in pork lard, cheeseburger with no vegetables...anything else?"

"Look buddy, I'm not that kinda gal. Who do you think I am, a cigarette girl?"

"A .07 cent tip? Look at this uniform! It cost me nearly $4 dollars and you give me a .07 cent tip!"

"Damnit Boss!You called me in from the back 40 for this! I'm a ranch hand, not a chiropractor!"

"Look Judge, we haven't been friends long enough for you to fart like that in front of me yet."

"It's a business card holder made from elephant foreskin. But rub it a few times, and it turns into a lovely binder."

"I can't hide my feelings any longer Bill. I made you this wallet for Valentines Day."

"Right there is where my badge used to set, until I fell prey to a 16 yr old hooker that suck white off of rice."

"It's called a pocket vagina. It changed my life. That's how I always show up to work with a smile on my face."

Please don't be angry my King. It's only a prototype cervical collar.

I'd suggest if you don't know, check the "Maybe" box.

"You WILL learn the metric system! And it will dominate America just like the Edsel."

That's the kind of person right there, that watches Jersey Shore! No wonder America is going to hell in a hand basket!

Daryl should have taken his prison friends advice and never broken into a house without a camera.

"Hector if I wear these in my Va JayJay piercings, when I dance I'll sound like a chuckwagon."

Do ju reely dink shees going to like dees por Balemtimes Day? OK, now wat do we geet por meester Newt?

Henrietta was nervous, but thought if all the other gals in the steno pool could have an electronic orgasm....

"You are correct, Gladys. This IS the machine that removed all of Governor Perry's knowledge and common sense."

The last thing I remember is Callista Gingrich asking me if I wanted to 'Do The Dance Without No Pants'.

As soon as my anus heals, I'm going to hire an attorney and sue that Kobe Bryant.

This is the new iphone 7Q. The smallest, thinnest phone ever. I figure I should get laid at least daily with this thing.

I don't see how I could possibly give you a hand-job.

I've gone over the numbers eleven times, and the results say the same thing every time....money equals women.

I knew Jerry would tell the other fellows about my feather Merken.

"...and then...Steven Tyler said I had no business singing the theme from The Jefferson's...and I got sooo dizzy..."

"No, no, no! THIS is how a zombie salutes."

"So Phil Dirt has a problem with my waistline starting at my diaphragm, eh?"

"Auto Erotic Asphyxiation is the process by which...."

"I envision a future in which we all don't have to stand so close to each other,and...."

"For being the dirty, nasty, filthy West, aren't we all clean and freshly shaven."

"I can't believe you're tappin'that ass."

Look, damnit! North is always that way. Tom are those lizards still following us?

We should have rolled these before we put on the gloves.

I know it seems complicated, but it makes the BEST lattes.