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  • 140508 Tim thought Joe was kidding about killing that guy that laughed at him. He was about to find out otherwise.
    140507 Oh, the boys all get prettier at closing time...
    140507 Allen was not about to let a few drinks keep him from flying his Dad home to see Mom for Mother's Day.
    140505 Boy, someone is about to get screwed!
    140501 And if I EVER see you hanging out with those "werewolf" boys again, you'll all be grounded for a month of midnights!
    140501 After scolding the children for sleeping on top of the sheets, Mrs. Ghoul realized they actually were under them.
    140429 On the shirtless planet it is customary to throw something at your lover after "relations."
    140429 Sticks and stones may break my...OUCH! That really hurt! Geez!
    140428 You're wrong, I tell you, Apple Martinis do NOT make me look feminine!
    140428 I paid good money for this uniform, bought her that drink, and she still goes for Ronnie!?!?!
    140425 Hey, those guys down there say they're #1, but we were first. What do they think they're doing. We were # 1 first!
    140425 When I said "give him the finger," I didn't mean THAT finger!
    140425 Dude, we're on the kiss cam. I don't wanna kiss you...unless...
    140424 The three went looking for adventure...the Village Idiot, the Village Idiot, and the Village Cop Idiot.
    140424 While the more aged Village People worked on their comeback, Bob never seemed to be in step.
    140423 The twins knew someday this would all be theirs, as soon as they went "Menendez" on their parents...someday very soon.
    140422 Taking the helmet and radio was John's way of hoping to "keep the insurance companies out of this..."
    140421 Lizzie Borden got an axe. Her sister Dizzie got a knife...
    140421 The wedding reception turned ugly when Martha "mistook" her new husband for the cake.
    140421 It was literally the last time John criticized Martha's cooking.
    140417 Betty always wore her rubbers and slicker to visit her Uncle Spraytalker.
    140417 Talk to the hand. No really, talk to it. Since I've been smoking this new grass, my hand can talk...really!
    140416 Bob's love knew no bounds...
    140416 His miniature man-servant was willing to do most anything, including nose picking.
    140416 The little man wearing a curtain from Jim living room had a point.
    140415 Gloria suddenly realizes that John gave her crabs and bookworms!
    140414 After thinking he "got away with it," the graffiti artist sees the robot he "tagged" outside his window.
    140414 Now that Alex had control over the robot, he'd send it to Julie's window with the camera on...she never shut her blinds.
    140410 After Bob pissed off his roommate, Chris "made dinner."
    140409 Attacking them at their thin-barely-able-to-stabilize legs was not thought of until many people were already dead.
    140409 Attempting to paint the giant robot warriors orange was the General's plan to make them seem less frightening.
    140408 Early versions of the iPhone were not very successful...
    140408 Billy didn't have the courage to tell his Dad he was in front of the microwave trying to "tune in the radio."
    140407 Mom said I'd go blind. She told me to stop touching myself or I'd go blind. Damn her always being right!!
    140407 Luke, help me take this mask off. Just for once...let me look on you with my own eyes...Hehe. See I did Vader...
    140405 It's worse than we thought. CBS renewed "Two and a Half Men."
    140405 Jim, the doctor says I have short term memory loss, what ever your name is...
    140405 Honey, I shrunk my breasts...
    140404 Once hooked on the drug, Fox loved selling hare tonic to the local hares. It helped him keep them in line.
    140403 You'll give me $1 million for Mrs. Clause for one night? You some kind of cookie-chubby-chaser-rich-guy?
    140403 So I says, "Ho ho ho," and she's like, "You don't know me!" She wasn't very smart, but it was a fun night.
    140402 Timmy felt very awkward that his "Uncle" Ted pick this opportunity to give him "the talk."
    140402 I'm really not sure why you look just like the UPS delivery guy. Why do you ask?
    140401 Hey, stop looking at the ladies and get back to work!
    140331 Without his glasses, Joe had no idea how far away Bill was when he tried to slap him. Swing and a miss!
    140328 The aliens would soon find out how many licks it takes to get to the human center of a Tootsie-pop...
    140328 He swore he would hold his breath until his face would match his suit.
    140328 Then Bob know they should've stuck to one color after the "Rainbow-Man Group" lost the audition to the "Blue Man Group."
    140327 Although this new pill would make him smarter, it also made his appearance more...nerdy.
    140327 Neo wished now he had chosen the other pill.
    140326 A gun, I said, I need a gun. So what does Dr. Q give me? A freeze ray. Hello! A freeze ray is NOT a gun, dammit! GEEZ!
    140326 Must...contain...Sheila Jackson Lee's...weave...before it assimilates more...vunables!
    140325 It was the moment after the accident that John first saw Mary without her makeup. Suddenly, his love was not as strong.
    140325 Oh....I see. Red is for stop, green is for go, and yellow means "slow down" NOT "speed up"!
    140325 Uh...I'm uninsured. Surely we can work this out between us, without using the insurance companies...
    140324 NEXT!
    140324 Up yours, Blue Coat!
    140321 Bob and his conjoined twin Bill out for a day on the town.
    140321 PHOTOBOMB!
    140320 Just 'cuz you wear a cape doesn't mean your a superhero, Bob!
    140319 Luck, I am your Father....
    140319 Suddenly the Luck of the Irish turned bad....very, very bad!
    140318 Drunko the Clown was a hit at birthday parties...once...
    140318 Yes...hic...my flower DOES...hic...smell like your Daddy's breath...hic...after a night out on the...hic...hic...town.
    140317 John "Billy Goat" Smith sold bottles. Big bottles, small bottles, medium bottles. Despite customers wanting more.
    140317 And I...I...I...EEIII...Will always love you...oooo...will always love YOU...OOOOOOOOOO
    140317 I just gave you 5 dollars last week! And I doubt very much you STOP BEGGING FOMR ME!!!!
    140315 "And then the General with the dark hair said, 'We should nuke them commies.' To wit the 3-star said, 'good idee!'"
    140315 Script changes are common in a Scorsese film. "Quick, type faster! I have no idea what I'm supposed to say next, hurry!"
    140315 The Generals were amazed at how Airman Jones played the typewriter like a piano. What a maestro!
    140313 Being a woman does not make you a bad firefighter. That tiny nose keeps you from smelling the smoke!
    140313 Oh yeah?!?! Well, you barely HAVE a nose!
    140312 With the overwhelming success of "Glee," CBS announces a new singing show entitled "AnGree." Reviews were low, very low.
    140311 Your worker bees will make cheese instead of honey and I will give you a position as VP at Ratco. So, we have a deal?
    140310 Crazy-eyes McDermitt tried to explain that he was allowed within 500 feet of the Elementary school...no one believed him
    140310 I AM related to Vladimir Putin...Rasputin...Rasputin...Putin...we are long lost family!
    140307 Things just got real at the "Hat Club for Men."
    140306 She's not much to look at, but that BODY! Wwooohooooo!
    140306 This is our new Head-Check girl...Oh you said "Hat-Check?"
    140305 Robert and Harriet always got a kick out of using the word "dictation."
    140304 "This one looks nice," Bobby said as he and his brother looked for a mail-order bride.
    140304 I told you! It says right here, "Never wear white before Memorial Day!" We's gunna look like fools at dis party!
    140303 As Nora scratched her back against a tree, Simon struggled trying to put up the tent.
    140228 "Let's go out there and win one for the Flipper!" said Aquaman to his now defunked underwater football team.
    140227 Bob was not just a client. He was also the President of the new Hairclub for Men and Aliens!
    140226 I was once just like you, kid. Then I tried magic. Next thing you know I was strung out on miming, then came the nose...
    140225 Look over there! It's a bird! It's a plane! No...it's a bird...nevermind.
    140225 SAAAAALUTE!
    140224 The kitchen is right this way. You can go ahead and take your shoes off, you won't need them now that we're married...
    140221 This is just what you need...side effects may include loss of vision, constipation, decreased appetite, crossed eyes...
    140221 "King of the Jungle?" More like "King of the Gin Juice!"
    140220 I said, "TURN OFF YOUR ELECTRONIC DEVISES!" Southwest Airlines new militant flight rules in action...
    140219 Look Johnny...Cookie's making flapjacks again!
    140218 Captain Kangaroo reluctantly signed the contract replacing Mr. Green Jeans with Poppy, his drunk uncle's clown persona.
    140217 I say we're taking you BACK to the zoo!
    140214 Honestly, the carpets do match the drapes.
    140213 Captain Picard hated being stuck in these situations with Mr. Data and the ship's Morale Officer, Ensign Poppy.
    140212 Just lay back and let's cuddle for a few minutes...
    140211 Bert's hair was a dead give-away that he felt Ernie looked good in them overalls.
    140211 In the '80's safety pants were all that was necessary at the construction site. Safety pants for a safety dance...
    140211 John had a recurring nightmare where he showed up at the construction site, in his PJ shirt and not enough hair gel.
    140210 Trust me, dressing like this for the party no one will know we are gay...I'm sure of it.
    140207 Lizzy Borden and dad...the early years...
    140205 What does John Fox say..."No one blames you for this loss, Payton...no one except, well, everyone. But no one!
    140203 This is Lance Armstrong's left testicle. I paid $154 for it on eBay, but damn well worth it! It's MAGICAL I TELL YOU!
    140201 Rick and Steve knew there was trouble ahead, but neither could resist the largest glory hole they had ever seen!
    140131 With the radiation cloud coming this way, one of two things is gunna happen. Either we gain super powers...or we die.
    140131 Oh crap! I may have left the gas on when we left home.
    140130 But Dad, I only need $15,000 to finish Clown School. Then I'll be a professional, just like you!
    140130 From the documentary "Bobo the Clown" the faith healing years.
    140129 Oh, the bottle said, "Hair Toxic" not "Hair Tonic." That's my bad...
    140129 John suddenly realized why his barber was known as "Crazy Eyed" Fred.
    140128 I'm sorry...did I just sneeze on you?
    140127 Why, it's this big. Why do you ask?
    140127 Hey, baby...wanna arm wrestle?
    140127 Do I have a reason for speeding? Of course...the McRib is only available for a limited time.
    140123 If you want it....put a ring on it...
    140122 One man's junk is, well, still junk.
    140122 BillyBob was sure he'd "catch a big um" at the junk yard, but JoeBob thunked that fishin at the pond would be better.
    140121 Bob was horrified to find that Nelson had stolen his nipples.
    140121 Aquaman wakes after a long nap, not needed to help save the world. He can only call sea creatures. What good is that?
    140120 Alfred knew Bruce wouldn't last a day dressing like a "sissy." Mrs. Wayne knew the Batman suit would make things worse.
    140120 Young Elton John knew what he liked. "This is how YOUR son wants to dress for school!"
    140116 John reacts to a slap that never happened. This would be his last acting job.
    140116 Look over there...Snookie reading a book!
    140116 Look over there...skinny Oprah!
    140115 She never thought of it that way. Maybe that really wasn't considered actual sex.
    140115 Margo found it gross how Bob always chewed straws saying, "Chewing a straw is a sign of sexual desire, you know, right?"
    140114 And again she spanked the monkey...
    140114 Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but Sue hated when Bobo put on her hat and pretended to be her!
    140113 Now that we are going steady, as a couple, we are going to start scrapbooking together.
    140111 Jimmy...I can see up your shorts. Next time wear underwear, please.
    140111 Do I know the Law of Gravity? Well, no, I never studied law...Why do you ask?
    140110 Nurse, you are only to give her the medication I prescribe...NOT jalapenos...NEVER EVER jalapenos!
    140109 Tiffany loved that Bob's breath always smelled like gingersnaps!
    140109 As much as Herman tried, he was not able to open his mouth large enough to eat Veronica's head.
    140108 John was very surprised and pleased to find all the statues on Easter Island had come to life...and were shirtless!
    140108 John headed in for a landing on his very own "Fantasy Island!"
    140108 Steve was impressed by Mark's stick work.
    140107 Thank god he has such little hands!!!!
    140107 John took "kissing the boss's ass" too literally!
    140107 Bob's "trust falls" turned ugly when he changed them to a "trust proctology exam!"
    140106 The mechanic told Sue her husband blew a seal, but didn't say which seal. She found out the hard way!
    140106 When Barry said he wanted to seal the deal, Veronica had something else completely in mind!
    140103 Rabbit abuse is rampant at the Fox's house...
    140103 What does the fox say? "OMG I need new glasses...I thought you were Mrs. Fox! I'm sorry....."
    140103 Mr. Fox is terrified to find out "the rabbit died."
    140102 Never seen before artist rendition of Michael Jackson working on the Pepsi commercial in 1984.
    131230 Mary loved how quickly her meds would be delivered, but the fact that they threw them at her was disturbing.
    131227 The Emperor may have been fully clothed, the Royal clothes maker was not about to tell him his farts did indeed smell!
    131227 The King always seemed too happy for the Royal Doctor to perform his prostate exam.
    131223 And if you continue to "play with it" like that, you will go blind!
    131223 Michael Jackson finally morphed into a rich old white man only to find they are now hated!
    131223 You've only been partially mummified. We'll finish the rest after you're dead, which should be soon, we hope.
    131221 The cold, dead stare of an Obama-minion frightened Roland, head of the GOP.
    131221 Must you stare at the queen with that look...that look of pure...stupidity?
    131220 Sarah then realized John was firing blanks...from his gun, too.
    131220 With the current ammo shortage, agents' bullets were replaced with the word "BANG!" HQ should have told them this first.
    131219 Bubba Bear literally squeezes the crap outta Lil Kit.
    131219 Mr. Wimple was reincarnated as a bear and decided it was okay to squeeze the kitten!
    131218 Jack finally figures out why the bed had been so hard. Don was storing his change in the mattress!
    131218 You sold the car for this? It's Monopoly money you fool! I knew I shouldn't have trusted anyone wearing a dunce hat!
    131217 Shhhhh...just sniff the gas I expel. Do not comment...not yet.
    131217 When both Russian mail order brides showed up at once, Jeffrey found it hard to choose.
    131216 Custer dazed and confused thought he was to face a crazy horse butcher, not the actual Crazy Horse!
    131213 Jack was not concerned he built the house on an old Indian burial ground until the spirits took up arms against him.
    131213 Jack knew the Invisible Man was holding the gun, but pretended he didn't notice so Jane would continue to take her meds!
    131212 Lois felt compelled to wear dish washing gloves to all of Clark's interviews. He tends to spray it not say it.
    131212 Once again Lois catches Clark using his x-ray vision to check out other women at the mall.
    131211 Like Bruce Jenner, Donald kept getting plastic surgery. It cost him his job. Now he bums for money on the street.
    131210 I never needed pen and paper to take dictation at my old job.
    131210 Joan could not understand why Albert wanted to know if her carpet matched her drapes.
    131209 I'm not sure the dye job was necessary.
    131209 At the Chin Hair Club for Men, Robert was not only a member, but he was a dead member.
    131206 Bird revenge: raise cat as your own and tell it to fly from the tallest tree. But they forgot, cats land on their feet!
    131205 Taking, Raymand to the blackjack table was one way Charlie had of making money. The other was to wink at the dealer.
    131203 Having thrown the race, Hare goes to Fox King to get his payment.
    131203 The dirty underworld of animal prostitution...tonight on CNN Investigates.
    131202 The new Pedo-Fil-Ya-500 began to sputter and klank whenever it violated the 500 foot restrictive court order.
    131127 I've seen a horse fly, a house fly, and a dragon fly. With these pills we about to see everything fly!
    131127 Tell me not to drug the azaleas, Mary. I'll drug the azaleas, petunias, roses, AND the aloe vera! B@$ch tell me nuttin'!
    131126 These Ikea instructions are impossible, but she must never find out I can't understand them...
    131126 If I pretend to look at this map long enough, maybe she'll get off my back about being lost!
    131125 You picked me up at the bar, we went to see Penn & Teller, had more drinks and we were married at the Elvis Chapel...
    131125 Sir, I could get rid of the body for you, if you'd like.
    131122 He was indeed proud of his troops. Unfortunately it was his hand that always swelled with pride, not his ego.
    131122 Cop With No Hair hated when the men mocked his Apache heritage!
    131121 Playing "Titanic" was never Billy's favorite play date.
    131120 Duck Die Nasty.
    131119 We're gunna need a bigger car...
    131119 Tabby Cat knew he loved fish. He knew he loved to drive. It was at this point he knew the two could not mix.
    131118 Two seconds after saying, "Nice headlights, lady," Sue ran Joe and his "little moped" off the road.
    131118 Gerald fell into the ultimate "lady trap" by telling Sue his best blonde joke. He didn't know she had a dye job!
    131115 This years top Christmas gift, the Tickle Me Kitty Doll was very realistic, especially to the cross-eyed wolf.
    131115 Philbert pretended to be the Pillsbury Doughboy in hopes that Wally Wolf would not want to eat so many carbs.
    131114 Stop him! He's about to eat a bagel NOT a donut!!!!!
    131114 It's Robocop....in a dress...hooking...eewwwww...
    131113 The Green Sloth is the only known super hero to extort payment from those he helps.
    131113 Ladies, if you think this is amazing, you should see him in bed!
    131112 The anti-KKK never lerked in the shadows, but did hang out in the fog.
    131111 Bob's "Fake Leg" demo was a highlight at the Woman's Auxiliary...but so was the speech on "Hair Dye, Is It a Lie?"
    131109 Agents were surprised to find Al Qaeda were so organized even keeping receipts for timers, explosives and a sex toy?
    131107 Ben was horrified his explosive flatulance would happen during the rose ceremony. He just KNEW he was the next bachelor!
    131106 Life is all down hill from here, kid!
    131106 "Jackass: The Elementary School" Movie, soon to be released by MTV Productions
    131105 Blondes are required to have more fun! If I see you NOT having more fun again I'll haul you before the judge, missy!
    131104 Shelly's mom always told her not to play with fire, but she never listened, until today!
    131104 Soon her love became a dying ember...
    131101 Early NSA spying techniques were not as sophisticated as today's spying.
    131101 Rush Limbaugh and the EIB Network...before radio...
    131031 "Hangover IV." In this film, Alan (Zach Galifianakis) gets stoned on mushrooms and is lost...oh who the hell cares!
    131030 I can see my house from heeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee.....
    131030 Bags fly free, but not passengers!
    131029 Again proving that most restaurant's in the inner city employ illegal aliens in their kitchens.
    131029 Charles convinced the aliens he found that doing his housework was essential to "meeting his leader."
    131028 On a 12-day meth high, Mickey decided to sneak in on one of Cinderella's step-sisters.
    131025 DAMN CRAIGSLIST!!!!
    131025 It was at this very moment that Jerry realized his online dating profile was on Desperate.com NOT Match.com.
    131024 Oon his off time, Conan O'Brian put on a mask, called himself Wizzer and slapped old TV executives for fun.
    131024 It's a mask not a veil!
    131023 Yeah, drink all the milk by yourself next time, b*%ch!
    131023 Bootsy, Spike, and Tom were tired of Chucky always getting pickled when they were out on the town.
    131022 Little did the Green Suit Bandit know that hitting "X" in the crotch with his bag would do nothing...absolutely nothing!
    131022 That bag would match my belt like FABULOUSSSSSSS!
    131022 Meanwhile at the League of Overly Gay Dressed Men...
    131021 They had all told Bob not to stand up in the boat, but did he listen? Nnooooooooo......
    131019 Raffle tickets are only $1 each...or 3 for $5. We are raffling off this hat and coat.
    131019 Sir, do you have two tens for a five?
    131018 Republicans and Democrats shunned Ted and Rand after kneeling to King Obama. They would get their revenge in 2016.
    131018 When Farty, the 8th Dwarf farted in front of Snow White, he vowed to make the others die from laughter...he & his AK-47.
    131017 Charlie the Werewolf was getting old and his Depends Adult diaper was proof to Jim he could beat him.
    131016 I know it's your party and you can cry if you want to, but there's gunna be cake!
    131016 Seriously, honey, your mamma's so fat your dad proposed to her with an onion ring.
    131015 The observatory is closed because of the government shutdown. Lifting your skirt will not change that...or will it?
    131014 Now that's a spicy-a-meat-a-ball!
    131014 I knew my wife would be mad if I was late again...but DAMN!
    131011 I put a cherry bomb in your pipe, I did, I did...yes I did...a cherry bomb...your pipe...I did!
    131011 "Breaking Ugly"
    131010 Before computers the NSA Chief had to hand scribe all phone conversations for the record.
    131009 There is no turning back. You take the pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.
    131009 It’s an Obamacare suppository. You stick this up your bottom and then you don’t care how badly you get screwed.
    131008 Betty had one final rose hand out. Her choice was not easy. Robot 1 was a better kisser...but which one was he...
    131008 One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn't belong...
    131007 Chuck's unprotected "party in his pants" quickly ended up being a "party in his pantry."
    131004 Wow, that IS a lot bigger than mine, huh Lois? Lois? Hello, Lois? LOIS?
    131003 It's a simple Earl Grey, why?
    131001 Herman saw Gloria and said, "Oooo, it's like I'm looking in a mirror." His self image was way off!
    131001 Pigman loved blonds, especially in a nice stew.
    131001 One look at Brad Pitt before makeup and professional makeup artist Fiona knew she had her work cut out for her.
    130930 Mark, Rich and Steve took the term "flamer" to a whole 'nuther level! This ticked off Homophobe Bob, as Ann called him.
    130928 Early attempts of the NSA to "listen in" on your calls included disguising agents as phones. Still, no one suspected.
    130927 You didn't see the red light, little old lady you ran over, the cow you hit, the car you totaled, the van of nuns...
    130927 Listen, I got a back seat in MY car. Wanna come back so I can "write you a ticket?" Seriously, you were speeding.
    130926 It amused Edna to think, "He'll soon stop barking once he gets a whiff of my wind."
    130925 From Ian Fleming’s lesser known spy novel, "The Man and Woman with Fists of Rage," starring Jack Hoff and Ms. Helpnhand.
    130925 After the great nuclear war of 2021 only mannequins from Macy's survived.
    130924 Look at my hair. You really think I need a helmet? Forgettaboutit!
    130923 Picaso threw away his first attempt at comic book illustration.
    130920 To boost ratings, Survivor contestants would no longer "voted" off the island...
    130920 The Disney version of Hitchcock's 'North by Northwest' was never popular.
    130919 Harold was terrified to see that someone had broken the finger off of Rodin's famous "Woman Flipping the Bird" statue.
    130918 Suddenly realizing Mary was not only a woman, but Asian, too, the men threw her out of the driver's seat.
    130917 Bert the fireman rescued Bertha, but Jim the painter tried to put her back.
    130916 When the good-night handshake turned into a good-night kiss, Harold was forced to tell her he was gay.
    130916 Having visited the Wizard for a heart, then a brain, the Tin Man's courage was not in question.
    130912 He breathed in deeply to try to blown out the candles...candles that only existed in his mind. The cake would be ruined.
    130911 This would soon be Edgar's last YouTube video.
    130911 Comet, it makes your teeth turn green. Comet, it tastes like gasoline. Comet, it makes you vomit...
    130910 In the year 2058, Miley Cyrus shows the younger crowd what twerking was "back in the day." Later the girls thew up.
    130909 Demi Moore was known to get very jealous when other women spoke to Ashton K.
    130909 Beverly was shocked to see her great Aunt Martha appear at the seance, especially since she still lives in Seattle.
    130907 Seriously, tonight you take MY husband and I take YOURS. It's called swinging. I read about in Harper's Review.
    130906 She was beautiful and had a body to die for, but her breath...eeewwww!
    130906 When she tried to pass on a brown hat as "matching" his suit, he knew hiring a blind hat-check girl was a bad idea.
    130906 Her sparkling smile and flashing eyes were not enough to convince Mr. Fuddles that a hat was a freshly baked cake.
    130905 Curses to all...why, oh why did the face transplant not take hold...WHY LORD!?!?!
    130904 Mary was suprised to see John still standing at her door 10 hours after their date ended.
    130903 Charlie didn't like scooping up Optimus Prime's poo, but it did smell like tuna-fish sammiches.
    130830 John found it too much work chopping his morning wood.
    130828 How can she flirt with the emergency service people when she knows I'm in here having a heart attack!
    130827 Thanks to the aliens from another planet Joe realized iut was the boots that made the man.
    130827 Bye..bye...bye-bye...bye...see you later...bye...so long...bye-bye...bye....bye......bye.........bye-bye...........bye..
    130826 John spent hours adjusting the satellite to the perfect picture for the game, but only Sam and Ellen stayed to watch.
    130823 You want the truth? I gave info to WikiLeaks, was in jail and am not claimed by Eli or Payton. Oh, and I'm a man.
    130822 Greg was shocked how many replies he received to his "Craigslist" ad.
    130822 And the cops still have not found the body in my trunk!
    130821 GET OUT OF MY CHAIR!
    130820 His last words were, "It's a 'freindship' bracelet. I wanna be your BBF." Then he was flicked back to the Shire.
    130819 Being anatomically incorrect, Ken could only watch Barbie as she lived out her submissive rag-doll fantasies.
    130819 Today's safe word is "Dream House." But Barbie was far from using it!
    130817 God-zil-la, god-zil-la...NOT god-zirra...say it with me...god-zil-la...
    130817 Confucius say, "It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you." Seriously, he told me yesterday, dude.
    130816 Thanks to the King's one good eye, Tiny John was able to pretend being a desk whilst Robin looted the vault.
    130815 J.K. Rollings next attempt? "Harry Potter and the Waterfall for Cats"
    130809 Butch, I'm not much of an athlete, but I'm a damn fine athletic supporter.
    130808 Eve prepares to drop-kick yet another snake after her goodies...
    130807 No Rolf, Michael Jackson taught us to hold da baby like dis way out da window ledge, not dat way.
    130806 After you smacked her in the head, did she at least make your sammich for ya?
    130805 I swear I poked you in the eye with the microphone. Please don't report me to HR. This would be my 3rd strike.
    130802 Peasants beware, King Flatulance did not care who was in the wake of his royal gas passing.
    130801 Da roof, da roof, da roof is on fire, 'cause I lite the it up! Yeah, dats right, I lite it up fur my friend Lil' Beret.
    130731 Doctors finally figured out why Johnny suffered from “yanked-boy syndrome” once they saw Emma’s parenting in action.
    130731 Sometimes Sarah's husband was such a child...
    130730 When Marilyn's husband said he was going to be a dictator, she never thought he'd use her homemade mashed 'tators.
    130729 The men were terrified to find out that size DOES matter.
    130729 Menopause can be a witch, but when it hits you in mid-flight...LOOK OUT!!!
    130727 Benny 'splained to his enforcers rock cocaine was not a real rock like this one, but a drug. They still dint understand.
    130726 We're all that made it to the game, Coach. All the other players are still stuck on the broken escalator...
    130725 Betty liked when Greg shifted gears..even though Allen was driving.
    130725 Dan always felt awkward getting a handie from Sue while his brother was driving.
    130725 The HOV lane sign said "2 or more" but the twins never saw the "or"...
    130724 SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OF PEOPLE!! No, not really, I'm kidding, but yeah it really is...
    130723 Marshall was disappointed by the weight he had gained in his head at the weekly hat-fit at Jenny Craig's Cranium Branch.
    130722 His smile soon turned to a frown as only his mom and a few of her friends came to Sam's big coming out parade.
    130717 Judy's religions upbringing told her that sex was bad, but she never knew it was THIS kind of bad.
    130717 Bob didn't believe Sue when she said her mother was a monster...He didn't believer her until now.
    130716 Even after displaying his art on the wall, the other prisoners didn't want Vinnie to do their prison tattoos.
    130715 Woody loved being able to communicate with others, but his new iLog was not what he expected.
    130715 "Yoo-da-lai-ei-ooooo..." Buddy loved yodling into the log of echoes.
    130714 This town aint big enough for the two of us. Actually I guess it is. In fact, it's probably big enough for more of us.
    130712 "Here, take it before that cop comes back..." Tire sniffing...the gateway drug to new car smelling.
    130711 Bernie was horrified thinking how Emily would handle a double-header!
    130710 Being a bachelor Joe had dishes in the sink, clothes thrown about, and frozen meals dinner, but he had his hygiene.
    130709 Veemons were born with a most unfortunate birth mark making them an easy target for their enemies.
    130708 Bi-Curious George and The Man in The Yellow-Orange Shirt harass a Police Officer.
    130708 Without his street organ, Giozeppe sang while his monkey explained to the flatfoot that it had been stolen.
    130703 With a cold-hard stare Glen did his best to intimidate Bob. He knew he'd have the spear or the green scarf any minute.
    130702 Way too excited to find out what little Jeffie would do, Ronnie Racoon was deeply concentrating on "The Family Circus."
    130701 Before the flight, Betty had a bean, egg, salsa, asparagus and broccoli burrito. Jeff needed air!
    130701 When Betty began talking about repainting the plane walls, Jeff decided to jump for it, book and all.
    130628 Mr. Jones, your neighbors have taken up a collection to buy you a vasectomy.
    130627 Etta had to rush to the door, knowing the postman only rings twice...
    130627 When she smelled the smoke, Sweet remembered instantly, "Aint noboby got time fur dat!"
    130626 Blind Charles, the neighborhood pervert, tried using a surprise trashcan drop to catch Little Bill.
    130626 Whoomp! They-it-is...
    130625 John suddenly realized the country song was correct. It IS 5-o'clock somewhere!
    130624 You represent the Witches Union 423? Well, I represent the Lollipop Guild and we'll see YOU in court.
    130620 Confronted by happily armed Native American racoons, Charlie knew he didn't have a ghost of a chance.
    130619 Feeding her will only make her not want to go away, son. You never, ever feed your date at home.
    130619 Scratching his butt did not excite Mary, but Bob fancied a go...
    130618 The French Navy's first encounter with a party barge led to an immediate surrender!
    130617 Sit o my face and tell you that you love me... -- Monty Python
    130617 When Becky went in for a booty lift she never realized that Dr. Pervus Vert would actually implant HIMSELF in her booty.
    130615 Front row seats, $50. Taking your partner to the game, $150. Collectible hat, $25. Being "outed" on kiss-cam, priceless.
    130614 "Don't ask, don't tell" was repealed. So, go ahead and ask me, General.
    130613 "You're me from the future come back to kill me in the past?"...the premise for the new M. Night Shyamalan movie...
    130612 Officer Willis knew his tiny head would fit, but he was nervous his body and large butt would not, if he had to follow.
    130612 There's a hole, there's a hole, there's a hole in the bottom of the sea...Come on, sing it with me...There's a hole....
    130611 The toga party was interrupted by Dean Wormer which firmly placed the frat into double-DOUBLE secret probation status.
    130607 Explosive gas, bad. Around the boss, bad. On a ledge, bad. But, explosive gas around the boss while on a ledge, deadly.
    130606 And THAT's the night that the lights went out in Georgia...
    130606 "Fat" Tony was sure if he killed the boss with the lamp everyone would change his name to Tony "Lamp Shades"
    130605 Clark had never seen the boss so angry, and all over the fact he "unfriended" him on Facebook...
    130605 After 10 minutes of the "evil stare," Clark and Lois knew that the force was NOT strong with this one.
    130604 Carrie Fisher goes back in time to kick the younger Carrie Fisher's butt for taking all those drugs..
    130603 Joe could not be within 500 feet of a school, but he could advertise his "diner."
    130531 Al’s 360-rotatable head made him the highest paid gigolo in Mary’s stable.
    130531 With a final spin of Herbie's head, Linda would win double or nothing.
    130530 As soon as Mary let go, her father would find that success was not in the cards...literally, not in there at all.
    130530 Chuck and Ann always ended up in a staring contest at every dinner party they attended...usually over a bowl of cards.
    130529 I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it...I'm sexy and I know it...
    130528 Blonds have more fun...and Cindy appearantly has more anger, too...
    130524 Having bought it from KKKMart, young David Duke couldn't wait to get home to put together his do-it-yourself uniform.
    130523 Helga, not to be confused with the red-butt baboon, was known in the zoo world as the red-nosed buffoon.
    130523 Monkeys try to answer the old primate question, "Does an old lady poop in the woods?"
    130522 It was after Betty propositioned him that Bob realized the racoon hat was still alive.
    130522 Betty promised to spin more than a couple of hats back in Bob's hotel room. He didn't realize she just meant plates...
    130521 Having gained all that weight, Gatsby finds out that on Twitter he is now just the "Kind-of-Okay Gatsby."
    130521 Not one response to my eHarmony ad? Not ONE!?!?!
    130520 I'll kill 'im, you cook 'im and we'll both eat that fat little Pillsbury Dough Boy!
    130517 As his back went out making the "M", John suddenly wished he had gotten dressed before joining Fred in the YMCA dance.
    130515 Col Blow, new member of Storage Wars yells, "A HA HO HAW" when he bids, unlike Dave Hester who simply says, "Yeeeeeep!"
    130513 I really don't think that is what they mean by "computer sex," sis...
    130510 Finally the GOP was able to find a suitable "black" candidate to run for office.
    130501 Tommy, being fascinated by a pig-shaped cloud never saw Godzilla coming from the west. He would end up as its dinner
    130430 Ugly Barbara found out, you can dress them in clothes, but human-oid-monkey-people are still just animals.
    130430 Harry forgot the "safe word" and thought hiding behind the chair would save him...a move he would later regret...
    130429 THAR SHE BLOWS!!!!
    130429 When "Jill," the new line of blow-up sex toys, popped while testing, Bob realized on-the-road QA testing was a bad idea.
    130426 "Please for the love of all humanity, cancel this crap!" begged Bob, a "Two and 1/2 Men" Producer, but it kept on going.
    130425 Barry Potter, Harry's lesser known cousin, was not a powerful wizard, but could really "bust-a-move" in Science class.
    130423 Sir Gay-la-lad kept thinking, "If this old hag caughs in my face one more time I'm dropping her into the castle mote."
    130422 The girls ignored the 3rd time Betty yelled "SHARK" a mistake they would soon regret.
    130422 Cindy reached for her gun when she realized her step-sisters weren't going to drown her throwing them out of the boat.
    130411 Yeah, yeah...smash 'em just like that. Smash them worms for me...mmm...smash 'em up good...
    130327 Alfred knew that is Ma'dam tried just one more "trust fall" on him, he would NOT catch her...he just wouldn't...
    130326 Joe's new "themed" bar was not making the hit he was looking for...
    130325 Derr...so when da Easter Bunny steps in dis loop, I'ma gunna snag 'em right up. We's havin rabbit stew tonight, Ma!
    130321 Shots! Shots! Shots..shots..shots...
    130318 Excitment would falter quickly once Bam-Bam found out that under the veil, the princess looked EXACTLY like her father.
    130306 Rhett wanted to tell her how he felt, but his excessive sweating simply made him not give a damn.
    130304 Tobacco companies truly want to keep cigarettes away from younger consumers. Pipes, however are fair game!
    130302 Playing "peek-a-boo" with the strange robot-man would become deadly...very soon...for Pedro!
    130222 Past “non-lethal” methods for police officers involved multiple paper cuts. Soon, lemon juice sprayers were added.
    130215 Gary would never trust craiglist ads again!
    130215 Greg tried not to be disappointment even though her Match.com profile didn’t say anything about being made of copper.
    130208 So, the doctor told you that smoking was bad for you and yet, even after all your hair loss you still do it? So studly!
    130202 I know he's old, but the warden has a great jailhouse "rock."
    130202 Carefully look behind to see if Jennifer is still staring at me. If she is, I'm gunna shank da hoe...
    130131 The "Amazing 'Z'" did not like being called a lllloooozzzzzzzzeeeeeerrrrrrr...
    130128 The moment before a Monk breaks his vow of silence and anti-violence.
    130124 When "casual Fridays" go really wrong...really really wrong.
    130122 Sam couldn't wait to hand down his "Perv in a Box" kit to his son, who FINALLY fit in the trenchcoat Sam wore years ago.
    130121 It was only after wrecking on his first attempt that Bob realized he had the instruction maunal up-side-down.
    130119 What do you say? Me, you, her, my dressing room, a box of wine and...well, whatever happens...
    130118 I don't know why I like to drop it like it's hot, James, I just do.
    130116 Cluck Fiction. "Say 'gobble' again. Say 'gobble' again, I dare you, I double dare you, say 'gobble' one more time!"
    130116 Vanity and an unwillingness to admit he needed glasses would cause James to reevaluate his profession as a "hit man."
    130115 Oh, Wilheim...Willie...hard to port....HARD TO PORT...
    130115 The night is young and it's just you and me here. You know I'm going to kiss you.
    130110 Bert was always disappointed with the dates he picked up on Craig's List, but never expected Max to be his waiter, too.
    130109 Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for a young woman living with seven short men. Do you know where I can find her?
    130104 Farmer Brown didn't have the heart to tell his cows that graduating Grade A today meant delicious steaks tomorrow...
    130103 Edgar checked to see if he was doing it right. He just knew that Bob was holding the broom wrong.
    130103 "I am the very model of a modern major general" my butt!
    121227 Food IV in? Check Video game on? Check Mouth Removed? Check No life? Check Thanks Obamacare!!
    121226 Herbert, I told you a belt is a far better tool for disciplining our children. Now go put that away!
    121224 You get coal, you get coal, you get coal...EVERYONE GETS COAL!!!
    121224 Martians are NOT real. These are just some weirdos dressed up in funny costumes!
    121221 Not only did Bobby's explosive gas break Mrs. Smith's window, it smelled like rotten eggs!
    121205 Jimmy, you only get ONE vote for lunch, and sandwiches from the "Puke-a-Lot Cafe" lost!
    121203 John Madden in school. "This is John. He's always drawing X's and O's. I'm not sure he'll ever amount to anything."
    121117 What do you mean this lip stick makes me look like a ho?
    121113 Jim was in shock when he suddenly realized his "nature" photo session image was NOT that of a beached blue whale.
    121108 Reducing their monthly "poo" rate to almost zero, the Smythe's told their doctor they "almost never poop anymore!"
    121107 Y--M--C--A...come on, sing with me Moe...it's fun to stay at the Y--M--C--A-a...
    121106 More dead people going to cast their votes in a swing state...
    121106 There were 2 people in line at the polls. Three if you count the one that only Morticia saw and was giving a massage to.
    121106 Come on, Morticia, get on with your trust fall. I'll catch you...
    121105 Going with the Singing Physician Plan (SPP) was a bad idea as Roger heard,"You may really die today, do daa, do daa."
    121103 When you call me "old" it really hurts me right here. I know I may be sensitive, but it hurts...really hurts.
    121103 Personally I wouldn't wear a wool jacket in the control room. Too much static electricity just walking around.
    121102 The day after Halloween is the busiest day in the unemployment line.
    121101 Simply inflate it with a small air pump. Once it's fully inflated, she looks JUST like a swimsuit model! Enjoy.
    121030 Uncle Jed knew he had this "city-slicker," Jim right where he wanted him, and Jim was scared, very scared...
    121026 Answering Bobby's request, Jason texted a pic of "what army" was going to kick his a$$.
    121024 The old man kept thinking, "The vet put that collar on her so she wouldn't chew on those things, but I would!"
    121022 It's quite simple, Holmes. Pull one sheet off, role this stuff in it and light it up. I've bought Dorito's already.
    121016 Is she still looking at us? No, don't turn around, that's too obvious, just kinda turn like you are looking at the door.
    121015 Bob hated the way Wally waltz through the office as if he owned it, but Sara was quite taken by Wally's carefree dress.
    121009 I think I feel another one in my pocket, but it feels bigger...
    121008 If this jerk would just get out of my way I'm sure I could squeeze through these rickety looking bars.
    121008 He's kinda cute. I wonder if he has a date for the Prison Ball already...
    121006 Early tourture techniques..."You will watch '3 1/2 Men' until you talk, Mr. Jones."
    121003 Ronald KNEW the answer on "YOU BET YOUR A$$" the kingdom's newest game show where contestants vie for their heads.
    121001 Jenn found it nearly impossible to figure out the new Facebook Timeline. Oh how she wished for the old format...
    120929 Come on, Stumpy, let me borrow the teeth for my date tonight. I promise you can use them all weekend.
    120928 I think it would be better if you DON'T smile for the pose," de Vinci told Mona Lisa before starting her portrait.
    120928 How do you know the bug looked like that before hitting the windshield?
    120927 Tom's reading of "Fifty Shades of Gray" was intense. Too bad he forgot to plug in the mic before starting...
    120927 Car 54...I know where you are, and you aren't supposed to be at the strip joint! Get back to patrol!
    120926 Welcome to the Hotel California, such a lovely place. Such a lovely face. You can check out anytime you'd like, but...
    120926 She's not much at cleaning, or cooking, or, well, anything much at all, but she's been with the family for years.
    120924 King Roland was very pleased the new Royal Jewelry could double as a ring AND sex toy. Ooooooo...
    120921 I'm going to call the doctor about our "tests." Let's keep our fingers crossed for good news, Fritz!
    120921 Oh yeah? Well, up yours Sigmund!
    120920 Let's try some word association. Happy. Death. Blue. Death. Mother. Death. Feeling. Death. Home. Death. Love. Death...
    120913 "WOOOHOOOO!!!!" Pete Pigion was very exceited to receive this month's issue of Play Bird.
    120825 Oh no you di-unt!
    120825 Oh, I've got a luverly bunch-a coconuts...
    120820 The boy's "bachelor" party was about to take a mysterious turn for the worse.
    120820 OMG they really do deliver in 30-minutes or less.
    120810 Years later Wonka began drinking, bankrupting the factory. He ended up having Charlie stuffed and mounted on his wall.
    120726 Richard know that one taste of his elixer would make anyone feel fab-u-lusssss...
    120725 So, Cap'n, this is a copy of the profile I'm puttin' on Match.com. You think the picture of me in my speedo is too much?
    120718 Am I blue? Yes I'm blue. It started the day I lost youuuuu...
    120717 I wake up and my whole hand is in your mouth and you say, "it accidently fell inside?" You lie, sir, you lie...
    120715 Then you go "dooo wa dooo waaa" while I'm going "shaboom shaboom." Trust me it will sound so awesome.
    120713 Publicity photo from the 5th installment of the Indiana Jones series..."Indiana Jones and the Bar of Remorse."
    120713 Jerry Sandusky loved singing, "Thank heaven for little boys.." until the jury came back.
    120713 The pea was under a different shell every time he moved them. It was like he was magic or something.
    120703 My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son-of-a-bitch...
    120703 Seriously, take a puff from this. It'll loosen you up and you NEED to loosen up!
    120702 Before being flicked away the last thing Paco did was what the villagers told him NOT to do...touch the giant's bracelet
    120701 Joe, you mean to tell me that as soon as I take off this hat my hair is gunna look lke yours? I'll never get a date now.
    120629 Man, if he's going to watch me shave "down there" I'm really gunna freak out...
    120629 Phil waited a little long before teaching his son how to shave, but he was pleased with the results of his lessons.
    120627 Picking up "Johns" at the parking lot was easy for Barney. Unfortunately the pickings were getting pretty low.
    120620 Cut during editing the movie "Network:" I'm confused as hell and I think I'm going to continue taking it...
    120619 Don't just stand there polishing my fenders...kiss me you fool. Kiss me like you mean it.
    120619 Arnie forgot to remove all his makeup after his cross dressing appearance at the Copa which caught Junior's eye.
    120617 So I get all the premium channels, phone AND internet for this price for 6 months, then it goes up to 50 pence a month?